Il be honest this is a post I’ve been putting off writing for a long time. Is it because I’m embarrassed, shy or even humiliated? I don’t know is the honest answer, it’s the elephant in the room isn’t it… something we are drummed into us that we need to talk about and it’s easy until you actually need to talk about your own mental health.
So here we go… you read it right I have bipolar (type 2) that basically means it’s less severe than type 1 (phew) I feel awkward even writing this down because it’s something I have, I live with but very rarely talk about even to my husband even a lot of my friends and family don’t even know about it. Why? I can’t explain the feeling I feel when it comes up in conversation with people, awkwardness like are they going to think I’m attention seeking? Am I going to be asked questions I don’t want to answer? Will they feel sorry for me? Basically all of the above!
I do understand to an extent why people have such negative views about bipolar, sometimes the way it’s portrayed on TV doesn’t help it’s important to know every individual is different. I’m really not worried about people thinking I’m crazy because I know I’m a raving lunatic anyway always have been and that’s not about to change. The only thing I worry about is people thinking I am faking it… I mean if you knew someone like me who’s pretty outgoing funny and a bit of a sarcastic twat you’d never ever think I am the way I am. The reality is I do but I’ve learnt to manage it. How you ask? Let’s find out.
Firstly let me explain to those of you who think bipolar is is some crazy dangerous thing…It’s not scary it doesn’t make me dangerous and it definitely doesn’t mean I’m crazy! To put it bluntly It means mood. 2 moods in fact. One of them being low depressed,down what ever you like to call it. Which touch wood I haven’t been for over 2 years now YAY! There was times I’d spend days in bed not eating or drinking and feeling like I’d had a skip full of bricks tipped on top of me. I regularly self harmed and overdosed on pills. I painted on a smile for the outside world but the reality was I was severely depressed. My marriage was struggling and I really wasn’t a nice person to be around. I suffered in silence mostly not even talking to those closest to me. All that changed when I decided enough was enough and I wanted to do something about it. Talking is the first step as soon as you open up the conversation it’s like setting yourself free.
Then there’s the other side, I shouldn’t really say this so please forgive me but regrettably I don’t get to experience very often. Professionals call it hypo mania I just call it feeling high because it’s just that. I basically feel like I’ve taken some kind of drug that’s made me all giddy and fun. As fun as it is I’ve done some pretty stupid shit whilst in this state. Racked up thousands of pounds of Catalogue bills, drank myself stupid untill I can’t walk and smoked more then my body could cope with. I lost friendships and I basically didnt give a shit about anything or anyone I’m selfish c**t and behave totally out of order. I ruined relationships and hurt people that I love I get so worked up over nothing Mr M has had to psychically hold me down to stop me hurting myself, I’ve kicked holes in doors and thrown things at the wall and threatend to phone the police if he doesn’t let me go. I’ve taken overdoses of sleeping medication to try and get me to sleep because I’m that desperate for sleep I will do anything. I’ve had days where I haven’t slept my eyes actually in pain and my head so muffled I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Crazy huh? You never knew did you?
For those of you who are now seeing me in a compleatly different light please don’t panic!! I promise you I’m still the same Zoe who you know and love. In fact I’m probably better than I have been for years! For once in my life I actually feel “normal” what ever normal feels like. I don’t get angry like I used to ( no doors were harmed in the making of this story) I don’t drink and smoke myself silly like I used to infact I’ve packed up smoking and the ultimate cherry on top of my mental health cake is I CAN SLEEP! For years and years I have struggled with insominia. Unless you have been unfortunate to experience the utter ballache that is insomnia then you can’t quite understand what it’s like to not sleep for 3 days straight, how upsetting it is laying there night after night watching the clock tick by hour by hour still not going to sleep. Begging my doctor to give me some sleeping tablets to get me to sleep It is by far the worst thing out of all of this I have experienced. Insomnia is my nemesis, and as soon as it comes on I know I’m in for a rough ride. Thankfully praise the lord i was put on a medication that stabilises my moods and also works as a sedative. FUCKING HALLELUJAH !! I felt like all my prayers had been answered after being put on this tablet.
I can tell you since being on It i am like a brand new shiny happy go lucky person that I used to be. And the most important thing is I SLEEP !! Goodbye to the endless nights of staring at the ceeling crying pacing round my room trying to get to sleep. This drug for me is my miracle drug, it’s changed me as a person, no more kicking holes in Doors no more acting like a selfish cow and most importantly no more feeling low except on the odd occasion which is rare now! But not only do I have this drug to thank, I found my voice and started to tell Mr M how I feel when I feel bad and it’s like a breath of fresh air being able to unload. My life changed forever a few years ago when I took control of the situation. Having Rex has been the best thing that’s ever happend to me it’s made me a better person than I ever have been and I will Always be eternally grateful to him for completing me.
So there you have it, Didn’t expect that did you? To be honest neither did I, I’ve written all this down today for you to read but I can’t bring myself to publish it to the world. Why? Basically I don’t really want to talk about it and for now I don’t need to talk about it, I guess I’m writing this post as I’m being true to my word when I promised I would write an honest and real life blog, there’s no sugar coating mental health, what would be the point? it happens! To one in 3 of us! I can guarantee most of the people around you have had or are suffering right now and you wouldn’t even know. So please just be kind.
Z
Xxx
This post was written in August 2019 and publish for world mental health day October 2019
The Z word 