The Z word

Before I start this post I’d like to let you know that this post is about breast feeding and will contain pictures of me breast feeding so if you don’t want to see that I suggest you stop reading now…

I’m not afraid to say that I’ve always been a bit creeped out by breast feeding. To quote Rachel green “it’s juice squeezed from a person” so I’d already decided whilst I was pregnant i was going to bottle feed so we bought all the bits we needed to beable to do that.

Then things took abit of a turn for me. It was mine and Rivers second night in hospital and we were having a really nice cuddle as you do and she kept going for my breast. So I thought heck what do I have to lose so I whopped it out and she started feeding straight away. And it felt like the most natural thing in the world we sat there for a good 40 or so minutes and it was a moment I will never forget it felt so special and I was quite proud of myself.

And so i carried on when I could as-well as giving formula so I guess I’m officially mixed feeding. River latched on so well and would feed for a good hour at a time. For personal reasons I felt I couldn’t exclusively breast feed so I mainly did a few small feeds during the day and always one big one right before she’d go to bed and that was my favourite feed of the day. Me and her snuggled up together in bed having a feed. Gosh I was so proud of myself. To go from 100% not wanting to breast feed to now enjoying it and being proud of myself is something i never thought id say.

On returning home I did find it a little more difficult to find the time to breast feed as having a 4 year old to run around after and a house to clean and tidy I struggled but ploughed through but the feeds did get less and less. The midwives did keep warning me that if I didn’t feed more my milk supply would dry up but I just couldn’t do anymore than I was already doing.

Coming up to week 3 of River being born and I started to feel abit achey and get a sore throat but I just thought it was a cold coming. Anyway the following day oh my gosh I was in agony. My throat was so swollen I couldn’t swallow anything not even a tablet I had to crush them up in a cup of tea to get them down me. My ears were so fucking painful and I was going hot and cold something terrible. Oh god I’ve only got the bloody flu haven’t I!! How the heck am I going to look after 2 kids with the flu!! Anyway on discharge from the hospital you get given a form of symptoms such a bleeding heavily, vomiting and flu like symptoms ect ect and if you experience any of these in the first 12 weeks of going home to call the maternity unit. So I did. But they agreed it just sounded like the flu. Anyway that night was absolutly horrendous! I was going hot and cold all night long I was sweating that much my bed sheets were soaked and I had to take them off to wash. God I was rough. Then the next day I spotted some red blotches on one of my breasts and that to was also on the list of things to call in for. So again I called up and explained what was happening and this time they actually took me serious and told me to pack and over night bag and come in for some antibiotics as it looks like I’ve got an infection in my breast (Mastitas) now your probably wondering why I’m telling you about the flu when this is a story about breast feeding. Well if you develop mastitas (The breast infection) the symptoms are just like the flu. Hot and cold sweats etc.

So off we went up the JR to get seen it took forever shock horror and there was a poor women in the waiting area in Labour which wasn’t a nice thing to witness. Anyhow I got called into a room where I had some observations done blood pressure temperature and pulse plus a blood test to check for infection. Then a really lovely doctor came round eximaned my breasts and found that actually it wasn’t mastitis but it was in fact a blocked milk duct. But she wasn’t happy that that was the cause of my infection so I had to have an examination down below with a speculum she took some swabs and thinks I possibly have an infection in my womb or uterus. The good news is as long as my temperature doesn’t spike I can go home with antibiotics. Which is what ended up happening.

The bad part of this story is that I’ve had to make the decision to stop breast feeding. I’ve been finding it very difficult to keep up with demand. And sadly I haven’t been feeding enough which is why I ended up getting a blocked duct. I’m so incredibly sad I can’t stop crying I feel such a failure I wanted to continue with it longer but I just can’t for my own mental and physical health I have to stop. I’m absolutely gutted to say the least but in the long run I know I’ve made the right decision. I realise the option to express was there but that really wasn’t for me plus by the time a breast pump had been delivered I don’t think I’d have any milk left. Lessons have been learned if there should be the opportunity for me to try breast feeding in the future.

One day I will look back on this experience and realise how proud of myself I am for giving it a shot and who knows if baby number 3 comes along I might get a second shot at it. But for now I turn the page on my breast feeding story and say I tried.

Z

Xxx