I’m here to tell you about a very unfortunate event that happened involving some sticky stuff and Rivers hair….
That’s right, every parents worst nightmare. GLUE IN THE HAIR!
Let me set the scene for what was a very unfortunate turn of events, its Rivers birthday eve, Daddy Rex and River are all playing in the garden whilst I’m trying to get a few last minute bits ready for the birthday girl tomorrow. When suddenly all hell breaks loose. Before I know it hubby is carrying River inside shouting NO NO NO. Turns out she’d managed to get into a apparently locked shed, was the shed really locked? or is hubby trying to dig himself out of a very sticky situation quite literly! But hey ho that’s an argument for another day. Anyway back to the commotion of what can only be described as a fucking monstrosity, River had apparently managed to get hold of some carpet glue from said “locked shed”
Panic sets in as I see the massacre in her hair, rushing up the stairs to get that shower on to try and salvage what I can of her perfect blond hair. Water bombing the poor girl, shampooing the shit out of her sad little tuft of hair but that gluey shit is not budging, what the hell is this fuckery, shampooing and more shampooing all the while she’s screaming her little butt off. I’ve come to the realisation the inevitable is looming and the scissors are screaming my name.
Mission aborted, who knew carpet glue wouldn’t wash out of a poor little kids hair. We have no choice now but to go with the very traumatising (for mummy) back up plan. Out come the scissors and obviously River is not having any of this. Have you ever tried holding down a 2 year old whilst chopping chunks out their hair? I don’t recommend it. The poor little sod is screaming to high heaven whilst I’m snipping away crying inside that I’m ruining her perfect blond hair.
Ordeal over, can confirm I won’t be applying for a job in a hair salon any time soon, meanwhile River is walking around with a ridiculousley hideoaus chunk of hair missing. I guess the moral of this story is don’t be an absolute moran and lock the fucking shed door (I will pass the memo onto daddy)
If your a parent of a primary school aged child you may well be in the same predicament as me which is we are accumulating a shit load of boxes! Boxes boxes and more fucking boxes!
Every day is a suprise, what’s he coming home with today? The possibilities are endless, we’ve had laptop boxes, Easter egg boxes and even bloody washing powder boxes! It’s got to the point the teachers are apologising for the sheer amount of cardboard that is coming home with Rex. You have to laugh about it because he’s just so proud of what he brings home. The box obsession has no gone beyond the school gates, my box boy will take any box going, the bigger the better and the imagination on this kid is wild! We’ve made rockets and cars and god knows what else his wild imagination has thought of. I love it!
The cardboard obsession has slowely upgraded to sticks and stones. Pockets full of the stuff! And not just diddly ones! Oh no we’ve got full on fucking Bricks coming home some days, I mean it’s getting abit ridiculous and I’m trying to slyly put as much in the in bin on the way home as I can but there’s no flys on him and I really get told off for binning it! But what can I do? At the rate he’s going we won’t beable to get in the front door if he brings many more home and as for the stones… I take no responsibility for any building collapsing because my child has sneekley been chipping away at the walls. lol!
Anyway I’d like to thanks Burford primary school for the endless amount of boxes and for making my little pack rat happy with his box collecting.
It’s the middle of February 2025 and I’ve finally got my period back after having a misscarrige last month. I’m not quite sure I was ready emotionally ready to have a period so soon after going through such a horrible time but I guess my body decided it was time to return to normal. My god I was not prepared for this amount of bleeding is this normal? Because I really don’t know, I guess I’ve got no choice but to just roll with it as best as I can.
So I guess the question on everybody’s minds is will I be trying again? And the answer to that question would be absolutely fucking yes!! My 3rd baby was planned and wanted and ever since we lost the baby I’ve felt something missing, a peice of my heart left me that day it’s hard to describe but I just know I was destined to be a mum of 3 and I won’t give up until that becomes a reality. I guess the second question is when is the right time to start trying again? And I’m going to assume it’s different for many women, some may want to wait and I totally get that. Personally I want to try again straight away. Like i said I just constantly feel like something is missing and I really have a hunger to be pregnant again and have my big family that I’ve always wanted.
I don’t really believe in “signs” but we had a name picked out for a baby girl and ever since losing the baby I’ve seen that name everywhere I go, on Tv, local shops and even on a poster in the hospital which is weird because it’s quite an unusual name but I swear I see it everywhere now! So I do take that as a sign that I need to try again.
The hospital did tell me to wait and have a period before we tried again but typical me likes to break the rules so I did actually take a random ovulation test a couple of weeks back and it was a really strong positive, not wanting to waste the opportunity we did try once and that’s where the parioned crazy Zoe came out from hiding and found excitement in any tiny symptom, convincing myself I was lucky enough to fall pregnant so quickly I dashed to the co op and spent £13 on a god dam pregnancy test only for it to be negative! I’m such a silly twat Lesson learnt!!
So I guess the trying for baby number 4 is activated… will it be 3 or 4? I’m not really sure on the technical lingo on that one. All I can say is I’m dreading the coming months, the anxiety the wondering, the obsession of getting pregnant is torture for me and I really believed I’d not have to go through that again but hey ho here we are. I’m ready to go again as soon as this nasty period has fucked off, I’m ready… I feel like I’m in training for baby making and on a mission, determined and hopeful so if you’ve made it this far please pray for me and send me all your baby dust ✨
Calling all Parents of small people can I have a show of hands who’s kids will eat absolutely everything they are given? The odds are there’s not many of you with hands in the air right now.
I have one child who is a little monster and will eat fuck all and one who who munches everything in sight! They couldn’t be more black and white seriously I don’t know how they managed to be so different.
My Rex is the worst eater on the planet! I could name the things he eats on 1 hand. I’ve never known a kid so fussy but not even that he’d be happy to eat the same thing every single day, he’s a boy of Habbit and routine and that’s what I love about him because im like that to. But my god you’d think he’d get sick of fish fingers ans potato waffles 3 times a week but alas he’s in his element with a potato waffle. School lunches are a constant battle because he won’t touch hot school dinners… so packed lunch it is! And you guessed it it’s pretty much the same thing day in day out, I might switch the fruit up some days to give him abit more variety but that’s it. Cream crackers and cheese, frubes, wotsits, banana, orange, and a KitKat. Every single bloody day. But hey he’s eating that’s the main thing. we do have to be super careful what Rex actually eats because he’s got a problem with his stomach which makes him sick ALOT. We can’t go out to restaurants without taking cloths and sick bags, we’re not to sure yet what the problem actually is until he sees a children’s doctor later in the year but I really hope we get to the bottom of the problem. Untill then it’s fish finger galore and frubes for dessert every night.
Now where do I even start with the human hoover that is my daughter. God forbid we should leave something on our plates. She’s there as quick as a flash to polish off anything left behind she’d easily eat all her dinner plus finish off everyone else’s. She’s a little over 18 months and I’ve yet to find a food she doesn’t like. Marmite is big hit, she polishes brussel sprouts off like they are going out of fashion and don’t even get my started on her favorite food bananas! She’d eat a whole bunch of you’d let her, the excitement on her face when you ask her if she wants a banana is hillarious it’s like she’s won the banana lottery!! Id pay to see her tackle a steak! She doesn’t half put her food away and isn’t fussy one bit! Go on gal !! and I was worried she’d be missing out because she’s got a dairy allergy, although just recently she’s been trying bits of dairy here and there and touch wood she’s been alright so who knows she might be growing out of the allergy. Imagine all the new foods she can eat if that’s the case! The possibilities are endless for my little monster munch the world will be her oyster and she’s probably eat one of those to!
So for now it’s cooking seperate dinners for everyone until we can all actually agree and sit and eat the same dam thing. That day will be a good day!
It’s one week before Christmas and the dreaded sick bug has got me. I’ve been off work throwing up and feeling dreadful. Until I realise my period is like 4 days late which never happens! I know this because I track my periods on an app and have done for years, it’s actually a really good thing to do and something I’d recommend anyway I was armed with a drawer full of pregnancy tests I thought I better see what’s going on.
The next day I find myself plonked on the toilet pants round my ankles staring at 2 lines on a pregnancy test not believing that it’s actually positive and I’m pregnant with my 3rd child! Holy shit 3 kids…. Me! Excitement and nerves set in during what is such an exciting time. We told our parents on Christmas Day giving them a really special Christmas present of another grandchild.
Everything had been going fine, I was wondering around pregnant with nobody knowing and I’m sure all mothers can vouch for me here that’s the most bizzare time of any pregnancy is the first few weeks when you are carrying around this massive secret that nobody else knows it’s like winning the lottery and not telling a soul. Id had some sickness and heartburn and I could smell absolutely everything. Christmas and new year had been, we’d talked about possible names and wether we’d like to find out the gender. I really fancied a suprise this time as the first two we knew the genders. I’d thought about how I was going to tell people the happy news, we’d started looking at bigger cars and new pushchairs. We had a due date of 21st August 2025 and a appoitment for a scan in February it all felt so surreal and really exciting and I felt like our family was complete.
Then things took a turn I hadn’t expected. One day I’d gone to the toilet and noticed some “spotting”. I tried not to panic as it was hardly anything. Then I had a phone call from my lovely midwife to book me in for my first appoitment at 10 weeks and I’d mentioned what had happend and she said keep and eye on it and ring the early pregnancy unit should it get worse.
Anyway the next few days it just got worse and worse and before I knew it felt like I was having a full on period I’d called the early pregnancy unit to try and get a scan to be told they were so busy and it was a 3 day wait! So I called another unit who were also so busy and couldn’t offer me anything sooner. Worrying I just carried on with day to day life bleeding trying to reassure myself it was ok. Nearly 5 days later and I’d started getting awful abdominol pain and I just couldn’t ignore it any longer so I called the local midwife team at Witney hospital who basically said there’s nothing we can do. By this time I knew in my gut I was miscarrying and couldn’t believe anybody wouldnt see me or get me scanned. I felt like Id been left alone to bleed it out and maybe I would miscarry maybe I wouldn’t but I’d be doing it alone because nobody could help me and that’s one of the worst bits of this story and the thing I will never forget is being left alone to go through this.
That day I’d had enough mentally and psychically I’ve never felt so helpless and vunrable in my life so I left work and we went straight to A&E where we had a long 6 hour wait. I had a blood test and basically got told I might have to come back tomorrow for a scan! Well you can imagine by this point I was just done of being left to bleed not knowing what was happening and I think if I hadn’t of told the doctor that I genuinely don’t think I would have been scanned that night. So we got sent back into the waiting room to find out if we’d have to go back. It was getting on for midnight and I was so tired, then a hospital porter comes up to me with a wheel chair and said he’s taking me to the women’s center. I told him I can walk but he insisted, so I got pushed for what felt like 10 miles all round the hospital and we had to laugh because it was ridiculous my legs wernt broken but bless him the guy pushed me right up to the bed in the women’s center.
Now this is where the story gets abit shit because when he wheeled me round the corner into reception of the women’s center I saw a nurse walking towards us, she clocks us rolls her eyes turns round and huffs like it’s the biggest inconviencee for me to be there and I’m not going to lie I felt terrible at how rude she was. After a while of waiting a doctor came round and took me off to have a speculum which was horrific because I’m still bleeding, I’m exhausted it’s nearly 1am and I’m half naked with a fucking plastic tube stuck up my fanny but I need to know what’s happening. So we do the examination I get my clothes back on and we have a chat. I’m told the results of my blood test show my HCG hormone level is normal which gives me a glimmer of hope that I’m still pregnant. Then she slaps me in the face with the news I might need to come back tomorrow for a scan. I’m fucking raging inside with emotion…. Why is nobody helping me? So I relayed my concern that I feel like I’m not getting any help and she goes off to speak to another doctor who agrees to scan me. Fucking finally!!
Wether it be good news or bad I just need to know at this point. So in comes this man who seems very nice and he starts scanning after a few minutes he tells me he can’t get a good view so we need to do an internal! Marvelous Fuck sake not again. I’m still bleeding at this point so for abit of dignity he drawers the curtain so hubby can’t see what’s going on. And in we go he’s moving it around for what feels like forever, he’s clicking things on the scanning machine making me think he’s taking pictures of the baby and all is ok, I’m staring at the ceeling tiles trying to count them and crossing my fingers but sadly he broke the news to me in his opinion I’m miscarrying. I had no emotion at this point and I think they were all shocked I didn’t cry. I just had nothing left in me if I’m honest I felt sad and let down it had come to this. I had my canula out, appoitment made for the early pregnancy unit on Thursday to confirm the loss then we just left. Just like that. It was getting on for 2am I hadn’t eaten since breakfast so we got in the car and went home. Stopping at a garage on the way to get a sandwich. So there I was sat eating my pheatic little chicken sandwich with tears rolling down my cheeks bleeding and in pain and I just wanted to go home. We got home around 3 and had to be up at 7 to go back to the hospital for something unrelated so you can imagine how tired I was I got home and slept till nearly 3pm.
That night the kids came home from school and nursery and I had the best cuddles from both my babies, all of a sudden that’s all that mattered. So we sat and played and did puzzles the rest of the night and it was lovely. The next day soon came I felt so vubrable and sad so a friend dropped Rex at school for me and i went back to bed and just had a day to myself. 3pm soon came and it was time to leave for the pregnancy unit, part of me was still hoping they’d got it wrong. The staff at the clinic were so kind and caring, annoyingly I had to have another internal scan which was very uncomfortable and seemed to go on forever. Again I focused on those dam ceiling tiles as I’m lead there being scanned. Then it came… the nurse very gently told me it was Infact a misscarrige and id passed a lot of it already, but sadly on the scan she could see I still had a lot of blood to pass which could either gradually leave my body or gush out of me at any given moment so she recommended taking a spare pair of pants, trousers and plenty of pads where ever I go. Next I had to have a blood test to check my hormone levels were going back down. They were in no rush to get us out, we sat and chatted, I had questions and they answered the best they could with as much respect and kindness as you could imagine.
And that was it we left, the bleeding and pain a constant reminder of what’s happend which could apparently go on for 3 weeks just to add insult to injury.
2 days later I get called back to the John Radcliffe for another blood test, that’s the 3rd visit in the space of 5 days and I am drained beyond belief, the staff at the gynaecology department are a bunch of miserable bastards which really doesn’t make me feel any better. A smile and a friendly tone when they speak to you wouldn’t go a miss. obviously we had to wait around for the test which they did and sent me back to the waiting room for the result which is making me think my HCG hormone level isn’t going down as much as it should because this is the 3rd blood test I’ve had in the space of 5 days. So we waited about an hour to be told the doctors are really busy, go home and wait for a a call. So off we went to my mums for my birthday tea, and no phone call. That night it really starts to sink in what’s happend and thoughts are flying round my head wondering if I did anything wrong, was it my fault? Could it have been my weight? Or the fact I’d had thoughts of panic about having 3 children, did the baby know this? I think we all know the rational answer to those questions but it doesn’t stop me wondering what if. I’d be lying if I said my mental health is ok right now, I’m at the lowest I’ve felt in a really long time. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings, just brushing my hair and teeth or even taking a shower seems like a mammoth task and I’m not intrested in anything except sleeping but sadly life has to go on and I’m finding it incredibly difficult to do absolutely anything right now. I feel like I’m not there for the 2 kids I have got which makes me feel even worse but I just can’t shift this sadness and tiredness, man I’m tired I’ve been going to sleep at 8pm nearly every night, my body is so run down I’ve got a cough and cold and constant headache. Just writing this all down is like a therapy for me honestly that’s why I do it.
It’s been a week since since I lost the baby, numerous blood tests later to check my ever changing hormones and it looks like I’ve got my last one next week thank fuck. I just wanted to do a little reflection on the way I’ve been treated throughout this process, as you already know things didn’t get off to a good start, diagnosis and I guess you could say treatment mainly blood tests and scans I could say went relatively well, but there’s something lingering with me that I’m really not ok with and that’s the fact I’ve gone through this horrible experience and not once have I been offered so much as a fucking leaflet with some phone line support numbers or advice…Nothing, Nada, Zilch, I’ve basically been hung out to dry and left to deal with it on my own and i didn’t even realise this till just now when I got a little tearful in bed and thought to myself I need to reach out and talk about this, then it hit me that I have absolutely zero idea on how or where to do that, I’m absolutely gutted about some of the treatment I’ve received or not received during this process, sadly that’s going to stick with me when I remember this horrible time. For now I had to try and do something even small just to give me abit of closure and acceptance so I found this little wooden box online to keep the pregnancy test in. Sadly there was so scan photo so all I’ve got as proof of this pregnancy is the test I kept. Now it’s safely in its box never to be forgotton.
A few weeks have passed and things have settled down, life has resumed and gone back to some sort of normality. Half of me really wants to try again right away and the other half is really scared to so I guess we will see what happens.
Miscarriage is something I never had on my 2025 bingo card but nature decided differently, it’s sad and it’s confusing but it’s all part of my story which I’m pretty sure hasn’t ended just yet.
If you’d have told me a few years ago I’d be buying second hand Christmas presents for my kids I’d have looked down my nose at you like some kind of snobby twat because that’s the sort of person I used to be. Just lately I’ve had fun looking round some charity shops and would now consider myself some what a second hand queen especially where it comes to stuff for the kids so
I’ve decided to put together a little second hand Christmas gift guide that I’ve been accumulating on the run up to Christmas because quite frankly I’m sick of spending a fortune on kids toys just for them to end up broken, lost or not played with. So I’ve been hunting down a few second hand bargains and I’m pretty impressed with with some treasures I’ve managed to hunt down.
Disclaimer… my kids will be getting new toys for Christmas to for anyone assuming I’m being a tight git.
So I’ve got a 5 year old and and 18 month old. The 5 year old is pretty easy because obviously he can tell me what he wants. But the 18 month old.. fuck me I’ve struggled with what to get her! I always thought having a girl would be easy but actually it’s really difficult when they can’t tell you what they want! So it’s been a bit of a difficult situation until that is I had a browse round the charity shops the other day and came away extatic with what I found.
So let’s get into it, first up is 3 absolute TREASURES I picked up in a local charity shop, we’ve got a wooden piano that looks practically brand new, a bus shape sorter that again is in mint condition and a train again that looks perfect I paid …. £6 for the lot! Can you believe it? Baby’s toys these days are ridiculously overpriced so i think I bagged myself a bargain with this lot! And River loves these sort of toys so she’s going to have a blast playing with them. Pictures below.
After finding the above beauties I went all out and started searching for presents on vinted and let me tell you when I say I got some fucking steals I really did get some fantastic finds!
So first up Rex wants a robot after looking on Amazon and various toy shops is was apparent I was not going to get a toy robot for anything under then £25 so after a cheeky little search on vinted BOOM I found a walking talking robot for drum roll please…. THREE QUID. Yes you heard it right, three British pounds…. And it’s bloody massive! I’ve not had a chance to put batteries in it yet but this is by far my favorite second hand find.
The robot in question…
Christmas gift guide bargain number 3 goes to some magnificent monster trucks I came across once again on the good old website that is the gift that just keeps on giving, you guessed it! Vinted. Now rex hasn’t specifically asked for monster trucks for Christmas but I know how much he loves them and these were to good to not get! On Amazon your probably averaging £10-£15 for the size of this monster truck. Any guesses what I paid? I can now reveal I bought 3 trucks at £3 each!! And once again I was really surprised and excited to see how big they actually are for £3 a truck I grabbed an actual bloody bargain with these and saved god knows how much.
Another FAB charity shop find I’ve got to show you are these 2 puzzles, now Rex loves a good puzzle and he’s bloody brillaint at them but kids puzzles these days are ridiculously overpriced for what they are and he has this really bad habbit of tipping them out for a laugh and losing half the bits which is why id much rather get a pre loved one for a bit cheaper so when I saw them I just had to get them. the Toy Story one retails at around £8-£9 and the dinosaur one at £14.50 !! So you bet I bagged a bargain when I paid £4:50 for both!
Next up I was casually scrolling Facebook one day and it popped up that someone was getting rid of this snail toy for babies it looked pretty decent so I bagged that the second I clocked it. The women even delivered it for free! It didnt look that big in the picture but blow me down it’s huge! It lights up and makes noises and rivers going to love it. And it was fucking free!! after a quick search online something similar to this is retailing for about £15 and up so I really think I bagged a second hand bargain.
Now last but by no means least I think we all need to take a seat for this next gem because OH MY FUCKING GOD just crown me the thrifting queen and be done with it because nothing is going to top this next item… I only went and bagged myself a FREE puppet show and puppets that again is in mint condition! After abit of online searching youd be paying roughly £75 for one similar to this brand new. Choice of purchase this time was good old Facebook market place, I think I just happend to be lucky and get in there first because I think this would have been snapped up in a heartbeat to be honest. I literary couldn’t be any happier right now. It’s currently being stored in my dads shed because it’s so big it would be impossible to hide from sneaky little eyes.
Second hand is really becoming the “in” thing, if you’d of told me a few years ago I’d be buying second hand Christmas presents for my kids I would have been so embarrassed, now look at me! Basically a second hand sensation thrifting to the high heavens, saving money and the planet and making my kids happy. I’ve really enjoyed putting together my second hand gift guide and I’m going to enjoy my kids opening their second hand gifts even more!
Merry Christmas and remember buy pre loved where possible 🫶
As always I write these blogs in real time, as and when I’m experiencing things. Often I wait and post them at a time when I’m feeling better which is what I’ve done with this post. So please don’t be alarmed I’m all good things have settled down and everything is ok again 🙂
Its April 2024 and It’s no secret I’ve been struggling with anxiety since River has been born. But to tell you the truth I’ve been living with it far longer since the death of my brother. Absolutely beside myself with panic at who may be next to go… will it be me? Or my kids? Anixety is one of those things that different people experince diffrent severities But when you get deep into the depths of anxiety it can feel like a life or death situation for most and that’s certainly something that I’ve been experiencing.
I have had so many sleepless nights in sheer panic, desperation and sadness, crying and crying at the fact I’ve already lost one person so the possibility of it happening again is very real for me. So for the sake of my sanity, and the fact I vowed to always be truthful on this blog I’ve decided to put some thoughts into words and tell you a little bit about it.
More recently (I’d say since the birth of River) I have made myself very unwell. I’ve spoken about this before but I’m currently going through a extremely hard patch of anxiety right now so I figured it would be the perfect time to speak out in the hopes it 1.) makes me feel better and 2.) Maybe helps someone who is also suffering.
So what’s going on? I think an easier question would be to ask what isn’t going on. I’ve got myself in a right old state again, somehow I’ve managed to jump down that rabbit hole and cannot get back out. I’m worrying about absolutely EVERYTHING you could possibly imagine, and a few things you probabley couldn’t but the main center of my worrying being the kids. I’m soon to be starting a new job after being at my current one for many years this is a massive change for me and I can tell you now that’s probably one of the triggers for the way I’m feeling right now, along with being a new Mum and still not really understanding why and how I had such a traumatic labour with River. Things have got so bad I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to see or talk to anybody and I’m terrified of letting the kids out of my sight. I’m scared to death of putting River into nursery and starting a new job.
I don’t even want to write half of my thoughts down because I’m really superstitious and a part of me thinks my thoughts will come true so I’m going to be as vague as I possibly can without being to invasive. My main worry is the safety of my kids, somehow somewhere I had the thought my kids aren’t safe unless they are with me and me only. It seems stupid as fuck writing this down, but deep inside that head of mine it’s real and I’ve come to the conclusion that they aren’t safe if I’m not there, then if that wasn’t enough my stupid head starts thinking of scenerios that ‘could’ happen and it goes round and round and round In my head sometimes for hours on end till the point I’m in full blown panic attack mode and I can’t breathe and I’m trying to think of a way to save my children. And for most that sound fucking ridiculous, and your right it does. BUT not for someone with anxiety. I’ve wasted minuets hours and days uncontrollably worrying to the point of exhaustion.
It whirls round and round in my head, day and night. Mostly nights when I’m lead in bed with time to think. To the point I’m about ready to throw up, I can tell you now I’ve experienced a lot of things in my life but NEVER have I experienced anything quite like this and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Some examples being… having a pain in my stomach it feels like I’ve been punched in the gut, automatically I’ve diagnosed myself with cancer and descided I’m dying and I need to figure out who the kids are going to live with once im dead ect ect. The worst ones are about the kids but like I’ve said I don’t think I will ever repeat them incase they come true but for context it’s probably about the worst things you can ever imagine. I guess the next question is have I got help for it? And the honest answer is no I haven’t. Why? Probabley the biggest reason being I have not long been discharged from perinatal mental health services and I can’t be arsed to go through that whole process again and I guess the truth is I know how utterly stupid my thoughts are and it’s embarrising to say it out loud especially to a professional. Secondly I’ve started to be really aware of what I’m putting into my body, I’m already on other medication for some other bits and peices and I really don’t want to go down that route and add another medicine to my list, also quite selfishly despite what im dealing with right now I want another child and im not prepared to go on a medication and have to come straight back off it again if and when I fall pregnant. Am I doing the right thing? Probabley not, but the truth of the matter is I’m scared and battling things like this alone is what I know best so why bring it all up with somebody else when I have you guys I can chat to on here….
Fast forward and we are now in November 2024… things are great, my anxiety eventually managed to go all by itself, I’ve settled down in a new job, made new friends and am happy and thriving in life, this post has been sat in my drafts for far to long and I thought it about time I aired it for the world to see.
Love you all, please reach out if you are going through something similar I’d love to chat.
Well here we are again, we’ve been graced by god almighty with that fabulous fucking virus. You guessed it… Chicken pox is back for round 2 and my god it’s not taking any prisoners.
For anyone that remembers, Rex picked up chicken pox whilst I was pregnant with River which was such a magical time because chicken pox is actually really dangerous for pregnant women. But we made it though and out the other side which I suspect is what will happen this time. You can read about the drama that shall now be known as chicken pox take 1 here …
Rightio back to the grubby little virus that decided to turn up unannounced again and throw the house into turmoil. Whilst bathing River yesterday I noticed a couple of little red spots about her person dotted around making themselves comfortable. And the second I spotted the little shits I fucking well knew it didn’t I. Bloody chicken pox again!
With no time to lose I made a quick dash to the chemist to pick up some supplies, cotton wool pads and chamomile lotion. Cost me a small fortune mind but not anywhere near soul destroyingly expensive as the nit shampoo I picked up a few weeks ago! I’m just about finically recovering again after buying that bloody stuff but that’s a story for another day.
Anyway supplies bought. Massive tick there, phoned in sick for nursery jobs a gooden. Sadly it’s a Friday and I work Fridays so River was under the very good care of Nanny and Grampy today which I think went okay, she seemed her usual self just presenting a little spotty.
Anyway let’s cut to early evening, time to start winding her down for bed, tea nappy and bed time. I start getting her clothes off ready for jamma time and my goodness me has the little sodding spots spread. And when I say spread I mean all over her face, back, arms and worst of all in her hair all over her head and it’s making her itch a lot. My poor baby looks so uncomfortable so there’s only one thing for it… lather her up in camomile lotion which (touch wood) seems to be calming things down. Well I say calming it’s gone 11pm and she’s still wriggling around her cot grizzling every now and again. She’s on bottle of milk number 3 and not planning on going to sleep any time soon, which I’m not going to lie is a really big inconvenience because I’ve got a very long day at work tomorrow and a really long day out on sunday. But ya know kids come first and it’s a good job I love the bones of her.
Now I was really hoping that would be the end of this story but unfortunately for River and us those pesky fucking spots would keep her up ALL NIGHT LONG and I really do mean all night long. Every half hour or so she’d wake up crying and feeling so uncomfortable. So yeah that’s where we are currently at. Functioning on zero sleep today which as you can imagine is proper shit as I’m working today but having regular updates about little miss spot and how’s she’s getting on.
Upon finishing work and going home River is still sadly screming the house down and nothing atall seems to be soothing her, she’s been lathered up in savlon and camomile lotion and is currently donning one of rexs t shirts to let the skin breathe. The honest truth about this whole situation is I’m moments away from breaking down in sheer desperation of wanting to help her and not knowing what to do and also selfishly on my part wanting to go to fucking sleep: sadly that’s not going to be happening tonight at this rate.
It’s bloody morning again and we had such a broken sleep, I don’t know wether I’m coming or going my eyes are red and sore and I’m so fucking tired. Best of all I’m off to a festival today on about 3 hours sleep so that’s bloody marvelous isn’t it! River seems so much calmer this morning which I’m so happy about. I felt ever so guilty going off to the festival and leaving her but I’d spent a lot of money on the ticket and daddy said he’d be fine looking after her. And I’m really happy to report she was absolutely fine and feeling much better and the scabbing over of the pesky pox has come! So she’s a lot more comfortable now PHEW!!
I’m really glad to report that little miss spot is on the mend and feeling sooooo much better! And we’ve all had a good nights sleep.
So River bless her has been struggling quite badly recently with some skin problems . It all started a few months ago when she drank her milk it would drip down and sit in the folds in her neck making it red and saw. I tried my best with bibs and muslins but it still somehow made her neck really very sore so naturally we tried bathing it in plain water and using vaseline. But honestly it just got worse and worse so I made a doctors appoiment in hopes they could maybe give some cream to help which they did and it did actually help to begin with.
But here we are months later and her skin is the worst I’ve ever seen it, absolutely red raw, bleeding and wounded so much so I have to wrap her hands up so stop her scratching and making it bleed, it’s just heartbreaking to see and it’s really painful for her. After a couple more trips to the doctor we finally got a diagnosis of eczema. You could have wiped the floor with me. I was shocked, saddened and absolutely panicking like fuck because for those who don’t know my brother had one of the most severe cases of eczema, he was covered from head to toe, he really did suffer bless him. So naturally my anxiety is in overdrive worrying so much that she’s going to be that bad. Im still trying to keep myself grounded with the whole situation but as any parent would know you worry about everything when it comes to your kiddies.
Her poor neck
So she got prescribed some steriod cream and some moisturiser which really started to work, the redness went down and she stopped itching. But someone somewhere decided this wasn’t the end of our story and it came back with a vengeance, we’re currently dealing with what looks like an open wound, gosh it looks so sore. All week I’ve been trying to speak to a bloody doctor then last night enough was enough I rang and explained the situation and they said call back exactly 8am in the morning. So 8am comes and I’m first in line… that like never happens!! So I give her details and reason blah blah … Receptionist: is it urgent for today? Im a pretty laid back person but I nearly lost my shit at her. Yes it’s bloody important I’ve got a 6 month old in a right old state and she NEEDS seeing. Anyway they managed to fit us it “magically….”
So basically she’s been checked head to toe by the doctor and it’s even started coming up on her arms now, we discussed all her symptoms and agreed that she is going to be tried on goats milk formula , because (I didn’t know this) but a cows milk allergy can make eczema flare up. So we left the appoitment with a prescription for some goats milk, an antibiotic cream for her neck and some oral antibiotics for an ear infection the doctor picked up whilst checking her over. Ofcorse as we know not everything always goes to plan and the baby formula isn’t in stock at the chemist till Tuesday (it’s now Friday) somehow we made it through the weekend with just the cream and antibiotics for her ear and I’m actually really bloody amazed at how quickly her neck has cleared up! Considering I didn’t pick the cream up till Saturday and it’s now Monday the redness around her neck has pretty much disappeared and she is a really happy baby which she hasn’t been for such a long time, I don’t think we quite knew how much her skin was hurting/itching her.
Just look at the difference a few days make on the right cream and antibiotics.
Fast forward a week or so and here we are. I must apologise for misleading you when I said she had been prescribed goats milk. It’s not actually goats milk it’s a cows milk protein allergy milk. What ever the fuck that is but it’s working so what does it matter. So we cracked on with the new milk. Making the first bottle up and I’m thinking what the fuck is this milky shite! It was grey in colour and thin as water, it stunk and I already knew she wasn’t going to drink it, thinking I had made a mistake I tossed the milk and made another bottle only for it to turn out exactly the same as the shitty stuff I had just made. Am I making this wrong? Wtf is going on here. Anyway I had to give it a go and as soon as the bottle touched her lips she turned her head in disgust and looked at me like I’d tried to feed her dog shit.
Right. Back to square one. Some people said persevere she will have it when she’s hungry but I just couldn’t so I did the only professional thing I knew and took to good old Facebook! Where I spoke to a handful of really kind parents, giving me advice and Information, which I have to say a massive thanks to those people because without them I would never have known that you can buy a milk thickener to thicken it up so it doesn’t look like dog piss. GREAT! so I went to the shops, actually every shop I could get to and none of the fuckers had it on the shelves! Scratching my head wondering what the hell to do I decided to try Burford chemist and they said they could order me a box. Fantastic! But it was a 2 day wait. It’s like taking 2 steps forward and one step back. Another couple of days on the cows milk then till I can get my box of milk thickener. Days past and I finally got my hands on that box of what I now call gold dust! Because one scoop of that added into a bottle and she downs it like she’s on a night out in Ibiza!
Things were finally settling down, Rivers skin was a lot better, her diarrhoea tthat I actually forgot to mention earlier had completely stopped. So this milk was clearly working! Things were all good in the world again untill I went to pick up her next prescription to be told it hadn’t been delivered….. urgh ok all they could do was give me the prescription and I could take it to any chemist. Carterton had none in stock, 2 places in Witney were closed and I ended up finding some in boots! What a bloody nightmare. After telling the doctor about my ordeal trying to get hold of this milk she prescribed 6 tins! So we aren’t running out anytime soon!
Anyways currently she’s on this milk, doctor wants me to introduce dairy in 2 weeks time to see if her symptoms return, then if they unfortunately do she will be refurred to a baby dietitian. Sadly I accidently gave River a spoonful of yogurt the other day and it made her quite porley so I think it’s safe to say she has got a dairy allergy. Thankfully her doctor said they usually do grow out of it so we will just have to see what happens.
Goodness fucking grief, I’d like to know what on earth I did in a previous life to deserve this amount of sleeping fuckery from a 6 month old very cute but very angry little sleeper I call my daughter.
Let me cast your mind back to June 2023 I’d just given birth and like all parents knew I was not going to get any sleep for the forseable future. But the most magical and unexpected thing happend. My bloody brillaint baby only went and slept through the night on her first ever night earth side! And the only way I realised was by the midwife waking me up at 7am to feed her! This has to be a fluke! She was clearly just tired from all that hard work of pushing herself out of her mums va j j!
So anyway after a few days in hospital (sleeping) mostly for River we go home and yup you guessed it im ready for the night feeds and the sleepless nights. But to my astonishment they never came! My baby was sleeping through the night EVERY NIGHT. I felt like I’d won the lottery, when all these people would ask me how she sleeps expecting me to be severly sleep deprived carrying big bags for life under my eyes nobody could quite believe what an absolute little fucking legend she was! I’d never gotton so much sleep, I felt amazing and refreshed every morning and you know I’d secertly brag about it to everyone.
But let me tell you what I’m about to tell you and that’s never count your chickens or be a stupid fuck wit and brag about something that can and did get taken away very quickly. That’s right my bragging rights were officially over, aswell as my sleep and sanity all in the click of a finger. 3 months of my perfect little darling sleeping through the night came to an abrupt stop suddenly and devastatingly to soon. That’s right the little bugger has turned into the grim sleeper! My poor body doesn’t know what’s hit it, 2 or 3 wakes up a night we are currently on, I’m basically the walking fucking dead minus the zombies. Fumbling around in the dark, one eye open trying not to trip down the stairs, somehow make a bottle up and get back up the stairs all in the dark is a miracle. How a little princess can change into a little sleep deprived devil at the drop of a hat is something I cannot understand or get on board with. We’ve had strong words with the little munchkin but still she dares to continually deprive me of more and more sleep. And it’s all my bloody fault… if only I hadn’t of bragged, karma well and truley got me back didn’t it! I’ve forgotton what a full nights sleep looks like, I think over time my body has just become accustomed to getting up at stupid o clock, somehow managing to throw a bottle together and feeding said child whilst trying to keep my eyes open and let me tell you there’s been a few near misses where I’ve been feeding and the next thing I know my head has suddenly dropped where I’ve fallen asleep for a split second. We’ve all been there, it’s a party I hope I’m not invited to again.
I guess everyone’s luck runs out eventually… all jokes aside truthly I don’t care. As long as she’s happy and healthy I will stay up all night for her. (Please don’t hold me to that River!) here’s hoping the grim sleeper turns into sleeping beauty sometime in the near future
The Z word 