The Z word

I’ve spoken about mental health before on this blog so I’m no stranger to writing down my feelings. And things have been going really well for me for quite a long time now. But since giving birth something has been bothering me and it’s gradually been getting worse and worse, my reasoning for talking about it today is in hopes it might make me feel abit better.

I guess I could say I have had some anixetys in my life, But this time something really good has happend in my life I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, I have the family I’ve always wanted and mentally I’m in a good place. So why all of a sudden have I really been suffering with moderate anixety? Your guess is as good as mine. The only thing I can put it down to is having quite a traumatic birth and being porley on and off ever since.

So what’s been happening? It started off probably just like anyone else who worries about certain things. How do I look,? Are the kids ok? Is my front door locked at night? Those sorts of things. Gradually though it started to escalate into more bigger worries such as, is River breathing? Is this cough something serious? Am I going to die? Will Rex be ok starting school, will he get lost? Ya know passing thoughts they didn’t last all day long but I was aware this probably wasn’t normal. Over a number of weeks I guess things got worse a lot worse, my thoughts suddenly turned into situations that can and will happen, such as Rex falling into the sea on holiday which is something that played on my mind for weeks and weeks before we went, it finally got to the point I couldn’t take it any longer and I burst into tears in bed one night and told hubby that we can’t go on holiday because I’m so frightned of something happening to Rex. By now I realise these thoughts are far from normal so I mentioned it to the perinatal mental health nurse who is trying to find me an anixety management course. As it happens we went on holiday and Rex was absolutely fine.

So that was well over a month ago now, currently life is ok I’m functioning I’ve never not functioned because of anixety. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed now that it’s getting abit more of a problem, simple things such as meeting a friend for lunch, going to the shops, going for a run, taking the kids out the second I’ve arranged something I get this feeling deep in my chest like I’ve had a hammer thrown at me and my head finally catches on and thinks I just can’t do this I can’t do it I can’t go out. When in reality I know I can, nothing is going to happen but at the time it feels like the world is going to end just by taking my kids to the park. And currently I don’t know how to stop these feelings so any advice will be greatly recieved.

As it stands I’m getting that feeling In my chest at least once a day, it’s something I have no idea how to get rid of if I’m completely honest. I guess over time things may correct themselves. The perinatal team haven’t been much help If I’m honest, cancelling appoitments or just not turning up its very hit and miss, I’m hoping now that we are into a routing wiht Rex going to school etc that my brain will catch on and I will calm down abit.

Until then

Z

Xxx