Let’s talk Anxiety

As always I write these blogs in real time, as and when I’m experiencing things. Often I wait and post them at a time when I’m feeling better which is what I’ve done with this post. So please don’t be alarmed I’m all good things have settled down and everything is ok again 🙂

Its April 2024 and It’s no secret I’ve been struggling with anxiety since River has been born. But to tell you the truth I’ve been living with it far longer since the death of my brother. Absolutely beside myself with panic at who may be next to go… will it be me? Or my kids? Anixety is one of those things that different people experince diffrent severities But when you get deep into the depths of anxiety it can feel like a life or death situation for most and that’s certainly something that I’ve been experiencing.

I have had so many sleepless nights in sheer panic, desperation and sadness, crying and crying at the fact I’ve already lost one person so the possibility of it happening again is very real for me. So for the sake of my sanity, and the fact I vowed to always be truthful on this blog I’ve decided to put some thoughts into words and tell you a little bit about it.

More recently (I’d say since the birth of River) I have made myself very unwell. I’ve spoken about this before but I’m currently going through a extremely hard patch of anxiety right now so I figured it would be the perfect time to speak out in the hopes it 1.) makes me feel better and 2.) Maybe helps someone who is also suffering.

So what’s going on? I think an easier question would be to ask what isn’t going on. I’ve got myself in a right old state again, somehow I’ve managed to jump down that rabbit hole and cannot get back out. I’m worrying about absolutely EVERYTHING you could possibly imagine, and a few things you probabley couldn’t but the main center of my worrying being the kids. I’m soon to be starting a new job after being at my current one for many years this is a massive change for me and I can tell you now that’s probably one of the triggers for the way I’m feeling right now, along with being a new Mum and still not really understanding why and how I had such a traumatic labour with River. Things have got so bad I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to see or talk to anybody and I’m terrified of letting the kids out of my sight. I’m scared to death of putting River into nursery and starting a new job.

I don’t even want to write half of my thoughts down because I’m really superstitious and a part of me thinks my thoughts will come true so I’m going to be as vague as I possibly can without being to invasive. My main worry is the safety of my kids, somehow somewhere I had the thought my kids aren’t safe unless they are with me and me only. It seems stupid as fuck writing this down, but deep inside that head of mine it’s real and I’ve come to the conclusion that they aren’t safe if I’m not there, then if that wasn’t enough my stupid head starts thinking of scenerios that ‘could’ happen and it goes round and round and round In my head sometimes for hours on end till the point I’m in full blown panic attack mode and I can’t breathe and I’m trying to think of a way to save my children. And for most that sound fucking ridiculous, and your right it does. BUT not for someone with anxiety. I’ve wasted minuets hours and days uncontrollably worrying to the point of exhaustion.

It whirls round and round in my head, day and night. Mostly nights when I’m lead in bed with time to think. To the point I’m about ready to throw up, I can tell you now I’ve experienced a lot of things in my life but NEVER have I experienced anything quite like this and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Some examples being… having a pain in my stomach it feels like I’ve been punched in the gut, automatically I’ve diagnosed myself with cancer and descided I’m dying and I need to figure out who the kids are going to live with once im dead ect ect. The worst ones are about the kids but like I’ve said I don’t think I will ever repeat them incase they come true but for context it’s probably about the worst things you can ever imagine. I guess the next question is have I got help for it? And the honest answer is no I haven’t. Why? Probabley the biggest reason being I have not long been discharged from perinatal mental health services and I can’t be arsed to go through that whole process again and I guess the truth is I know how utterly stupid my thoughts are and it’s embarrising to say it out loud especially to a professional. Secondly I’ve started to be really aware of what I’m putting into my body, I’m already on other medication for some other bits and peices and I really don’t want to go down that route and add another medicine to my list, also quite selfishly despite what im dealing with right now I want another child and im not prepared to go on a medication and have to come straight back off it again if and when I fall pregnant. Am I doing the right thing? Probabley not, but the truth of the matter is I’m scared and battling things like this alone is what I know best so why bring it all up with somebody else when I have you guys I can chat to on here….

Fast forward and we are now in November 2024… things are great, my anxiety eventually managed to go all by itself, I’ve settled down in a new job, made new friends and am happy and thriving in life, this post has been sat in my drafts for far to long and I thought it about time I aired it for the world to see.

Love you all, please reach out if you are going through something similar I’d love to chat.

Z

Xxx