Period pitty party


Millions of years ago when the world was created and humans became a thing someone up above was sat there thinking these women have life to easy what can we do to make them suffer? I know let’s make them bleed for a week once a month from their dam vagina! Like seriously? What tosser thought that up?

Did we or did we not evolve from monkeys? Do you see monkeys walking around bleeding all over the place? Like hell you don’t! But wait… could it be? yes I’m ashamed to admit I actually googled “do monkeys have periods” ya know as yah do. And to my astonishment monkeys do menstruate!! I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a monkey casually walking round with a tampon stuck up its chuff but hey if google says it’s true then I will go with it.

So basically as you know I had a baby. And we all know what happens when you get pregnant. NO PERIODS!! Wooo get the party poppers and banners out! As we all know periods are pain in the arse, not only do we bleed from our nether region but it hurts, we get sore boobs we get tired and hot and moody we basically turn into hormonal moody bleeding little bitches for a week.

Not having a period for a year had been a very strange experience for me. I’ve had periods like clock work every month since I was about 14. I will never forget that fateful day when I finally became a women and had to tell my mum I got my period. So embarrassed I scuttled downstairs before school with a bright red embarrassed face and just said ” mum I’ve started my period” bless her she rushed off grabbed a load of sanitary towels and packed them in my school bag, me as red as a beetroot not really knowing what to do skipped off to school to start my first day bleeding.

Anyway as I was saying not having a period for a year has been bliss! No more worrying if I’m going to start spontaneously bleeding whilst out and about no more tummy ache and saving money on sanitary products! I could go swimming when ever I liked I could go commando and I did! Just for the hell of it Brilliant!! Even after having the baby I didn’t bleed like most women do because I’d lost so much blood giving birth I basically didn’t bleed at all after. There are some perks to having a rough labour after all!

Until now… exactly a year to the month of getting pregnant and you guessed it my first period decided to make a unannounced appearance after a years vacation! It felt very strange because I’d spent 9 months of praying i wouldn’t see blood in my pants when I went to the toilet and now it’s the opposite I know my body is going back to normal, what ever the hell that means! But and there’s a big but! Nothing quite prepared me for the horror of a first period after giving birth. It’s like Niagara Falls in my knickers! A class of school kids could go rafting in the flow that came out of me. Hold on lads it’s going to be a bumpy ride!! I thought to myself do I brave going out today? What if I bleed all over the place? Sitting on the sofa without leakage is a whole diffrent kettle of fish. Do you remember those giant banana boat pads I told you about? Yeah well they are coming in handy I can tell you!

Not only am I gushing blood from my fanny and panicking everyone is going to see but I am also boiling hot! Mr M has slept on the bedroom floor 2 nights running because he can’t bear to be in bed with me I’m that hot! Genuinely thought I was menopausal at one point like is this really happening? Stop the mentrural train I want to get off!! So right now It’s a period pitty party in my house the sofas are lined with plastic the washing machine is set to hot wash and I have sanitary towels stacked up to the ceiling. That’s right I’ve got a whole years worth of lady juice to catch up on. Did I really just say “lady juice” actually just vommed abit in my mouth there sorry guys my bad!

Anyway I’m sure you’d agree that’s enough period talk for one day. Pregnant ladies remember stock up on products because you will need them sooner or later! Plenty of chocolate to hand and just ride it out!




Baby blockers


You have to read this to believe it but before you get discharged from hospital after having a baby one of the last things the midwives say to you is… did you know you can get pregnant really easily now so you need to make a appointment to go on contraception.

I mean come on! After Id picked my jaw up from the floor and let it sunk in what she’d actually said to me it’s then I realised they are actually bonkers if they think I’m having sex any time soon! I mean my vagina was cut open and stitched back up for Christ sake!! The thought of sex just makes my fanny shrivel up like a dried prune, if that isn’t off putting enough for Mr M I regularly peed myself a little bit after giving birth. If you really want sex that bad in a time like that then you have serious problems that only a sex addicts anonymous can sort out.

I intend to let my vagina heal after pushing out the bowling ball that was my baby, I was walking like my arsehole had been ripped from arse to ear for a week after giving birth do they seriously think I was going to go home and start having sex? furthermore I’d like to think my other half wouldn’t want any nooky whilst the stitches heal up, it’s not exactly sexy is it!

Picture this right, well maybe not picture it that’s a bit brutal, just listen to what I’m saying, imagine a man having major surgery on his pecker, imagine his penis actually being cut open and stitched back up. What sane doctor would tell said man to not only not have sex for a while but to use contraception? No one! No doctor would ever do that! So why do they assume us women having birthed an entire human been cut and stitched back up would want to have sex in the near future!

Anyway the point of this post is that I’ve Been asked multiple times what contraception or as I call them “Baby Blockers” I want to go on. I mean fair play I’m now 10 weeks post natal, my vagina is mostly healed and back to normal and my arsehole no longer hurts when I go to the toilet so that’s a bonus! So yeah I guess you’d say it would be sensible to go onto some kind of contraception. Have I thought about it? Have i heck! I’ve had more important things to be doing. To be honest I’m happy to go with the good old fashioned withdraw method. Its not ideal and it can get messy but It’s not like Im going to be shagging every night now is it. Mr M is lucky if I’m still awake past 8:30pm let alone anything else!

There’s so many kinds of baby blockers about now, I don’t trust the pill, it fucks with my periods and to be honest I don’t like taking things that mess with my hormones after it taking a while to conceive Rex I’m now really cautious of taking anything that could mess conceiving again! Condoms, because who doesn’t love trying to get that slippery little fucker on in the throws of passion! then there’s Female condoms- do they even exist? I think they are just a rumour as I’ve never ever seen one! The injection, I don’t fancy being jabbed in the arse every few months thankyou very much ! The implant! Ahh this freaks me out! It’s like a microchip for humans floating Benith your skin just there ready to pop up and remind you that you can’t have a baby for 2 years.

After it taking a year to get pregnant the first time and us both not getting any younger I’m not taking any chances. If it happens again soon great if not then we will probably start trying in a year or so anyway.

And that my friends is my view on baby blockers. It’s simple if you don’t want to get pregnant strap it up before you wack it up. And for gods sake let your vagina heal up before you start anything in the bedroom, the last thing we want is anyone ending up in A&E needing to be stitched back up!



The Z word has been recognised!


Yes that’s right you read it correct. My blog my baby and me have been recognised and have made it into the top 200 mom blogs that every mom must read! And I couldn’t be prouder! Seriously when I started this blog back in February this year I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.

There’s a few reasons why I started blogging one of them being because I always wanted to blog but never had anything to actually write about, the second reason was I was sick and tired of people making out like pregnancy and having a baby was a piece of cake because it bloody isn’t!! I wanted to be real and give people something to read that told the truth gave advice and make them laugh!

All of the feedback I’ve had about my blog has been amazing. The amount of women who have messaged me to say that actually they are going through the same thing Is amazing. And people just love reading about little Rex I mean who wouldn’t he’s gorgeous isn’t he!

The reason this blog means so much to me is because throughout my life I’ve never really achieved anything academically I’ve run half marathons and I can bake a mean cake! I’ve never been good at writing or spelling! I can’t do maths and my geography is shocking!! I’ve never been one for talking or being truthful about how I feel. Untill I started the Z word. In all honesty this blog has helped me become more confident in myself and it’s taught me how to be more open and share the stories about my life, which I will carry on doing for as long as I have things to write about!

That’s why it means so much that my writing has been recognised and is in the top 200 mum blogs! It’s full of really inpriring women talking about a whole range of different topics. If you’d like to have a look click here ⬇️⬇️⬇️

What more can I say? Thankyou from the bottom of my heart I hope you enjoy my future blogs as much as you already have!! Thanks for reading xx



Weighty biscuit


I don’t know about you larger ladies but I’m fucking fed up of being fat! To the point it’s making me depressed again. But since having Rex I cannot stop eating and the weight is just piling on like nobody’s business. The fatter I get the more I want to comfort eat and the more I comfort eat the fatter I get so im going round in circles !!

Roughly a year and a half ago I had the pleasure of being Called a weighty biscuit by some fucker online. I think his exact words were and I quote “run a full marathon you weighty biscuit” because clearly running a half marathon is easy right? Anyway to hell with that mother fucker, since that time the phrase weighty biscuit has stuck in my head and right now if I was to bump into that prick offline I would probably shake his hand because right now I am a weighty biscuit!

Whenever I comment on how I feel about my weight everybody’s response is YOU’VE JUST HAD A BABY. Yes you are all right I have just had a baby and yes it’s made me fatter than I was before but that doesn’t take away how I feel about myself. So please do me a favour, if I complain about my weight to you please don’t answer with “well you’ve just had a baby” because I might just lose it ! Just lately within the last few weeks I’ve started to notice I’ve really piled on the pounds. I feel so discusting and fat and like everybody is judging me . I walk down the street and get so parioned that everyone is looking at me thinking “wow she’s fat” I feel like my friends are embarrassed to be seen with me and Mr M is stuck with a fat lump that he never signed up for.

Currently I have an extra tyre round my middle, bingo wings grandma would be proud of and an ass the size of Australia. I’m wearing black leggings and unflattering t shirts to hide the enormity that are my giant flabby boobies, my double chin has gone up a size and my ancles have fused to my feet.

It sucks !! And yes I only have myself to blame. If only I stopped shoving those chocolate biscuits down me like a homeless man at a buffet and stopped gorging on pizza and chips like dominos is about to go bust. maybe I would look like I used to. The Zoe that I used to like the one who had will power went on a diet ran regularly and made good life style choices, the Zoe that I used to be proud of, if only I had that umph to do something.

It’s time I took back some self control, it’s time to like the way I look and feel proud of myself again. It’s time to drop the junk and pick up the healthy stuff. It’s time to get my running shoes back on and have an end goal to aim for.

So the fridge is choca with veg and yogurt, the fruit bowl is stacked with delicious fruit, Mr Ms chocolate and biscuits for his lunch box are hidden away in a cupboard and my running shoes are dusted off ready to pound those pavements again. The couch to 5k app is downloaded and ready to go!

This weighty biscuit is gonna give it her all and be the person I used to like again. It’s gonna be hard it’s gonna be painful but it will be worth it to look in the mirror and like how I look! Will I do it? Stay tuned to find out …



Dinosaur on tour


WERE ALL GOING ON A SUMMER HOLIDAY… is what I’ve been singing the past week getting excited for our first holiday as a family of 3! Booked back in January one of those dirt cheap deals out the sun newspaper a £9:50 holiday. Why they call it a £9:50 holiday is beyond me because it isn’t actually £9:50 because you have to pay for 4 people and by the time they’ve added the service charge and stuff on it’s cranked up to £80. But for 4 nights who can complain !! So we decided to take our dinosaur on tour!

Although we’ve only gone on holiday it feels like we’ve moved house with the amount of crap we’ve lugged along with us. 99% of the car was filled with baby stuff for Rex. But needs must. Bless him he slept most of the way down! A slight grizzle so we pulled over in a layby had a feed and change of nappy and off we went again. Very proud mummy right here.

So here we are… caravan 74 is our home for the next 4 days.

day 1 and ofcorse we just had to visit the beach!! Little tip… don’t take a 8 week old baby on a beach when it’s windy! Sand kept blowing in the poor littleuns face and he wasn’t amused. Here are a few snaps I managed to get before we had to dash off quick.

After a brief look round all the gifty shops and my fave cake shop to pick up a lemon bun! We headed back to number 74 to get ready to go out to the children’s club. How was the children’s club you ask? Pretty naff! I don’t remember the entertainment being that pants when I was a littleun. Anyway we went with it and Rex has his pic taken with the big bear.

Day 2- round of applause to Rex because last night was the second night the little legend slept through!! 2 nights in a row! Touch wood this is a sign of things to come. Up early we had bacon and egg sandwiches for brekki then off we popped down to the swimming pool to take Rex for his first swim!! He didn’t quite know what to make of it, he didn’t cry or smile he just sat there like an absolute lad in his duck having a little kick in the water. Here’s a few pics I managed to get before I got told off for taking photos by the life guard. Naughty mummy!!

After swimming me and Rex had a look round the arcades as daddy doesn’t really like them I saw some dinosaur teddies in a grabber Machien after 30 min and £15 later is still hadn’t won that dam teddy! Out of money back to the caravan we popped then back down into Weymouth for a wonder.

Ofcorse we had to have fish and chips on the seafront for tea! Whilst trying to dodge being attacked by incoming hungry seagulls! 8pm Rex is down for the night and I think I’m coming down with a cold as I’ve been coughing all afternoon now my chest hurts so under a duvet I lay with a cuppa tea.

We spent our last day on holiday having a chilled day because I’ve come down with a cold and Mr M has just realised how hard it is looking after a baby all day. (It’s only taken him 9 weeks!) we had a nice walk down into Weymouth to buy gifts for our 2 little nephews then went for dinner on our holiday park we had the most luxurious dessert ever! you need a ladder to get to the top of the burger Mr M ordered !

And there we go that’s Rex’s very first holiday done!

Over and out



Up and out


Something you really take for granted when you have a baby is the ability to just go out whenever you like and be places on time! Me being quite the punctual person that I am hates being late for things something I’m really struggling with at the moment.

Pre baby those were the days when you could have a day off do what the fuck you liked all day, eat when you want, shower when you want and watch that box set you’ve been dying to see without being interrupted. should you decide you want to go out you just grabbed yah handbag and off you went. Oh how things change once you have a little one in tow! Now it’s have I got enough nappy’s? Have I packed the milk? How many changes of clothes do I have? Is he due a poo? And so on. Bag packed baby ready oh wait he needs feeding and a nappy change. This is my life I swear I’ve never been on time for anything since having a baby and it drives my anxiety crazy!

Rewind back a few weeks ago when we had to get the bus. 10 min before we need to leave and Rex decides he’s hungry. FML we are going to miss the bus! So I get as much milk down him as I can sprint to the bus stop and finish feeding him at the bloody bus stop! Baby’s actually run your life for you! Countless times I’ve had to do an emergency nappy change in the street! Not actually on the pavement that’s frowned upon!!

The whole lateness is a big no no for me I can’t stand being late because quite simply it fucks me off when people are late for things when they have no good reason. To date we’ve only had one early morning appointment we had to be at and that was registering Rex’s name. And guess what ? We were late! I’m going to let myself off for that one because Rex was only a week old and we clearly had no idea what we were doing.

The reason I am writing this post is because yes you guessed it we have to be up and out and down the doctors surgery by 9:10am tomorrow! 9.10!!! The bets are in and the odds are 10/1 that we will actually make that appointment on time . I’m usually still hanging out in my pants at this time in the morning trying to get my first cup of tea down me before Rex needs feeding and now suddenly we have to be dressed fed changed and out by the latest 8:30. Will we do it? Stay tuned to find out!

The key is all in the preparation… the changing bag is packed, pram ready and bottles ready to feed him before we leave. The good thing about being on maternity leave is you can just bum about all day and do things at your own pace you don’t really have to be anywhere unless you get invited out and then it’s like a millatery operation which usually involves the saying “I will be there once Rex is ready.” So for the next few months I’m going to enjoy not having to be many places on time because when the time comes I go back to work we are going to struggle to be up and out on time every morning!!



Fanny frolics


Pardon my openness for this next bit of writing I’m about to surprise you with! You know me by now I don’t shy away from things easily, I bet your thinking how can she fill a whole post just about vaginas? Believe me im going to give it a bloody good go.

It’s all good and well having a baby until you look down and realise your fanny AKA vagina what ever you want to call it looks like a complete and utter car crash. I know every women is different and every birth is different. I can’t comment on the unfortunate event of tearing down below during labour but I can only sympathise ! Unfortunately for me I can comment on the very nasty experience of being cut. Yes actually cut in my women’s area with an actual knife! Sounds horrific doesn’t it?

I can only thank the lord that I was lucky enough to be under the influence of an epidural plus extra aneshetic when they so kindly sliced my lady parts open to squeeze that baby out. At the time I felt nothing at all I didn’t even know they’d done it, result !! Until… the dreaded moment the pain relief started to wear off and I kid you not I felt like I had passed a tree trunk not a baby! That’s the moment I realised my vagina will never be the same again.

The interesting part about all this is the fact that I still had to wee and poo whilst trying to not push to hard and rip the stitches out that was basically holding everything up inside me. The fun began whilst taking my first wee after the birth, my god I thought I’d ripped myself a new one! I’m sure everyone who’s had a baby can vouch for me and say There’s nothing quite like the sting of your first wee after giving birth.

That’s the easy part, weeing is a peice of piss ( excuse the pun!! ) what they don’t tell you in hospital is how to successfully “try” and have a poo without feeling like your entire insides will drop out of you with every push you make. What I can tell you is thankfully your body is clever and most women don’t actually go for a poo for a couple of days after giving birth so you do have time to heal slightly and make a plan of action before the almighty poo saga starts. Remember don’t push to hard ladies!

In all seriousness though those stitches need to be kept clean and intact because if you are like me and unlucky I had the added bonus of my stitches coming out thrown in for a bit of good measure, we don’t know how or why they came out, I was having a fiddle one day down there to see if my fanny was recovering and I felt this “hole” so I did the only thing a self respecting woman in my situation would do… got my husband to take a photo, me legs wide open catching a draft with him down there trying to get a good shot, the comedy that goes on in my house is another story for another day!! Anyway my midwife checked it out and confirmed the end of my stitches had come undone. Which made me even more terrified to go to the toilet! After a week or so of being checked over they eventually healed.

That was 8 weeks ago almost and since then there’s been no fanny frolics I’ve not really paid much attention to my growler until tonight.. when I decided to have a little fiddle down below to see how things we’re progressing and as I had a poke about I found this really painful spot right where my stitches had been. I’m no doctor so can’t really comment on what I think it is because I have no idea I just know it’s bloody sore when it’s poked. I know what you are thinking… don’t poke it and it won’t hurt. Yeah I get that but in the back of my mind I’m worrying I’ve not healed completely, should I make a doctors appointment? Probably yes. To be honest I’ve had enough of the whole of Oxford hospital looking at my bits and feel abit shy to get it all out again. But the sensible part of me knows it’s worth doing that if I want my lady parts to go back to normal or as normal as they can be after pushing a 10 ton baby out!

Vaginas are amazing things and don’t get nearly enough credit they deserve for the hard work they go through birthing a baby, healing then doing it all over again for the next one, it’s pretty amazing when you think about it! Us women are made of steel and can do things we never even imagined once in that delivery room. We are even more heroic for bouncing back so quickly and walking round like everything is ok in our underpants when actually we are working hard to hold everything in!!

I would like to dedicate this post to my amazing magical courageous vagina for not only giving me my perfect little baby but for going through hell and back and proudly walking out the other side with its head held high!

Happy healing !!