Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minuet just sit right there while I tell you the story of how I became the mum to a child with shit in his hair.
This story begins one fateful morning when the birds were chirping and everything was good in the world. That was until I went to get my child up from his bed and the utter devastation would make this a morning a morning I would never forget.
What lay before me I could never unsee. I still have nightmares to this day of the shitty litte hand prints covered in what used to be Rexs bedroom. That right. The little sod had only done a massive shit then hand dived down the back of his nappy and spread that shit like he was making a sandwich.
I found shit in places I never knew existed… under the bed. On the inside of handles, the skirting board and don’t even get me started on the shit covered stair gate. And the worst of all? Have you ever tried cleaning dried on shit off a child hand? Picking that dried shit from under his fingernails. Well that’s fun!
So operation clean up is underway. Lots of sanitiser, baby wipes and rubber gloves. Scrubbing that room within an inch of its life. Finding more random shit as I go along. Have you ever tried finding poo on a brown carpet? It’s litlerry the thing of nightmares. No amount of vacuuming and scrubbing was ever going to make this okay.
Finally I had the room smelling beautiful and all tidy and clean and I could finally relax and stop having nightmares of finding shit everywhere. Everything was good in the world again. that was untill a week later when he did the exact same thing. *crys*
Well hello there! How are we all? It’s been a while hasn’t it!! I know I’ve been slacking recently and not keeping my blog updated but I’ve got good reasons! I’ve basically been so unbelievabley busy sat on my arse doing absolutly nothing! Yeah that’s right lockdown is so mentally draining isn’t it. I know you feel it to and if all you’ve done today is get dressed then I applaud you because it’s probabley more than what I’ve done today.
So what’s been happening? It only seems yesterday we had Christmas then BAM it’s now nearly March and we’re all just looking at eachother like wtf is happening. So not much has happend in the Bear household we’re all plodding along trying to keep busy and raise a crazy child. That’s right my child is growing and turning into a mini devil.
This particular story starts a few weeks back when Rex was napping away beautifully when all of a sudden he comes running into my room and I’m like WTF how did you get out of your cot. Then I realised that day had come where he has finally learnt how to climb out!! Video attached for below as evidence ⬇️⬇️⬇️
Panic stations kicked in and a quick dash to Argos was inevitable to go get all the basics to keep a child in one room.
Stair gate ✔️ cuboard locks ✔️ bed guard✔️
So we had a day of full steam ahead of getting Rexs room child proof. Fixing locks on drawers and doors, erecting that stair gate and spending what felt like forever turning the cot into a bed. Because we were prepared months ago when we bought a cot bed. Basically a cot that when you take the sides off turns into a bed. Hurrah!! All ready and set to go. Rexs room harder to get into than a prison. Off we went to bed! Now I knew his first night in a big boy bed wasn’t going to be easy but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I was not prepared for the night ahead. The poor wee soul was so confused why there was no longer any sides on his bed he was up then down up then down in and out crying and being silly for what felt 10 years. But finally he dropped off for all of an hour then he was up again. He repeated this over and over all night until we had another mad dash to the shops to go and buy a bed guard which touch wood seems to have settled him.
Sometime 3 weeks later… we wake up to go get Rex from his bed and I swear to god it looked like a rabid fox had got into his room and torn it to bits. That’s right you guessed it! Rex has figured out how to undo the child locks on his drawers and on a daily basis tips all his clothes out onto the floor for no other reason that to make work for mummy. So that’s the next issue we are trying to solve and failing miserably. But hey Ho we will get there in the end.
So I’d love to hear from you guys. How’s your lockdown going? What have the kids been up to? Drop a comment in the comments section and let me know!
Can we just take a moment to understand how much snot one child can actually produce. Where the heck is it coming from? I mean they only have teiny tiny noses, yet that snot seems to just keep on coming and coming and coming and before you know it you’re trying to wade your way out of knee deep snotty wet wipes.
If that wasn’t bad enough I’d like a show of hands please of who has caught their child licking the snot from Benith there discusting little noses. No? Well you’re in for a treat, that shit scars you for life and If you thought that wasn’t bad enough who has “accidently on purpose” whilst feeding their snotty child scooped some snot up on the spoon and unintentionally fed it to their child? I mean HOLY MACCARONI did I win the bad parent of the year award for that disaster. *hangs head in shame*
Now if you’ve not had the pleasure of experiencing a snot bubble then you really haven’t lived. I don’t know why snot bubbles make me laugh so much espically the bigguns! Have you ever tried to pop them? Either I’m a massive child or it’s some secret Olympic sport of how big the Bubbles can get then POP!
So we’ve heard all about the “wet snot” as I like to call it. BUT the worst is yet to come hell yeah the dried on snot is a whole diffrent kettle of fish. You try cleaning the nose of a child who’s snot has not only dried on but has actually ingrained in the skin. That shit is impossible to get off!! Unless you jet wash the poor little sod. And even then you can’t get it all off. It just sits there festering away drying out even more like it’s got some kind of vendetta against you. Topped up regularly by more of that wet snot just to add to the difficulty of getting it off.
The house slowely filling with snotty tissues and wet wipes. Snotty clothes to be washed and dirty little noses waiting to be wiped. It’s all in a days work.
I’ve been debating weather I should could or would write this blog post for a couple of days now. After some thinking I decided I need to be honest about what’s going on otherwise my whole message trying to get women to go for their smear will be worth nothing.
So here goes… 2 days ago I had my letter back of the results from my smear test. And as you can guess it’s not really what I wanted to hear. I infact have the HPV virus. My heart sunk reading that I was positive for HPV. Il be honest I didn’t really know what it was but being positive for it can’t be a good thing so I absolutly cried my eyes out and compleatly broke down thinking all manner of bad things.
So after a lot of googling and speaking to some friends who know what they are talking about I learnt that it’s a virus that most women can get and for most women it goes away on its own but for the minority it can turn into cancer. And there’s basically nothing they can do except book me in for another test in 12 months time to see weather it’s decided to fuck off or weather it’s gotten worse and wil need treatment. 12 months!! A whole year of wondering if it’s gotten worse. And I’m supposed to just forget about it till next October. I won’t lie I’ve cried a lot this last few days. It’s not until you become a mother when things like this really make you shit your pants, plus with other things going on I really just needed a good cry.
And yes I can hear a lot of you probably shouting it could be worse and yeah ofcorse it could be I’m not denying there’s a hella lot of People going through much harder times and I bet there’s even a lot of women who I know who’ve had the same result but I’m not going to sit here and ask for people to feel sorry for me. The aim of this blog is to make women go and get a smear test.
So where I’m at now is still shitting bricks wondering what’s going on but Trying my best not to let my anixety keep thinking about it. the most important thing is that I attended my smear and got this nipped in the bud. That’s how smear tests can save lives ladies. So I’ve said it before and I will say it again and again PLEASE go and get your smear test done. If you are frightned or anxious or just don’t really fancy getting yah fanny out then let me come and hold your hand because I can guarantee you’d rather get your snatch out for 2 minuets than hear bad news.
So to end this post i would really love to hear from anybody who’s had the same result as me. How did it turn out? Is there anything I need to know? Do you need someone to talk about it? Please drop me a message because I’d love to hear from you even if it’s just for a friendly chat. We’ve all got to stick together during tough times let’s help eachother feel a little less alone.
It’s something women dread, it’s a taboo and it needs to be spoken about more. What is it? THE SMEAR TEST. The delightful event where what feels like a test tube is shoved up yah muff. But please don’t be alarmed I’m here to make you laugh and make sure you get that smear test in the calendar!!
That’s right today I’m having my fanny checked and I’m about to tell you all about it. Because if this post makes just one women go and have her test done then I will be so happy.
Now usually I would be so embarrassed about going to get a smear done but after farting in the faces of not 1 but 2 midwives whilst in labour it really takes a lot to make me embarrassed these days!
anyway as per I spent a good hour with the strimmer down south trying to make it as presentable as possible ready for the big unveil. After a good tidy up in my underpants fresh pants and a litte spray of perfume down below (We all do it!!) off I popped to go and get my fancy checked.
I get in the room and we sit and have a chat about what’s going to happen and the nurse is being so caring and trying not to make me feel embarrised but I’m just like nah nothing phases me anymore I’ve had half of Oxfordshire looking up my fanny hole one more isn’t going to do anything.
So ofcorse I strip to the waste behind a curtain then I’m told to lay on the table and put some blue paper over myself. God knows why I mean she’s going to be looking up my Wookey hole what’s the blue paper going to cover? Anyway I do as I’m told and lay there legs wide open catching a draft when all of a sudden… yep it’s in, it’s cold, it’s a little uncomfortable. The second I start to wish this would be over it is. Just like that!! And honestly that’s the gods honest truth. No less than 3 minuets after I am packing my fanny and my dignity back into my pants and get dressed. See what’s all the fuss about? Ofcorse I know for most women it is going to be hugely embarrising but what’s the alternative? I know I’d rather have a cold test tube shoved up my fluff than have cancer. And that sounds dramatic but that’s the truth of it. And I truly believe that YOU can do this. You are strong badass mother fucker who can conquer a smear test.
This is the part where I’m going to put the funny stuff to one side and ask any women reading this who is to scared or embarrised or who just doesn’t want to go, to PLEASE reach out to me. Take my hand and together we will go and get your test done. Because cancer isn’t a joke, and it’s certainly not picky about who it chooses. If there was a cure for cancer you’d take it right? So why wouldn’t you go and get a test done that could possibly save your life? Who the fuck cares if you’ve got a hairy growler. Who cares if it’s an odd shape or if you think it’s not pleasant to look at it. theve seen it all before and worse!
I’d like to end this post with some facts about cervical cancer. Did you know that 3,000 women in the uk are affected by cervical cancer in a year. A YEAR!
Did you know that 75% of cervical cancers can be prevented by cervical screening?
And finally 2 women in the uk lose their life to cervical cancer every day.
As it’s recently been mental health awareness day I thought I’d just do a little post about about something that’s close to my heart. And that’s the medication I take.
I’ve never really spoken about this before with you guys because it’s not really something I shout from the roof tops because I’m a private kinda person when it comes to this stuff.
So what is quetiapine?
Quetiapine is an antipsychotic medicine used to treat a number of conditions such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. After a number of years on all sorts of antidepressants that really did me no good and after a particularly very bad episode which lead to my diagnosis of bipolar 2 i was put onto this medicine.
The very first night I took this medicine I will never forget because I’d had the worst relapse of my insominia I’d been awake 48 hours and my body was on the brink of shutting down. After taking this pill for the first time combined with no sleep I started to hallucinate. I remember my bedroom was full of flashing lights and not long after that I managed to fall asleep.
I don’t remember exactly how long it took for this medicine to kick in proporley but what I can tell you is it saved my life. After months of self harming and doing other silly things I shouldn’t have done my life was litlerry in the balance and I had to make a choice about which path I was going to take.
So I chose the quetiapine path. And in all honestly I haven’t looked back since! that medicine saved my life in more than one way. I feel like I can control myself now. I feel like I am my own person rather then some little person In my head dominating me. My moods are so much better and I really am a changed person.
I continued to take it during my pregnancy because I just can’t handle coming off it. Tried once and failed miserably. Hallucinating and all sorts I ended up overdosing accidentally on purpose because I was so despiriate to sleep. Luckily I had spoken about this with the doctors Before I even got pregnant and they assured me that it is a very safe medication to take whilst pregnant so we decided I would stay on it during pregnancy. As a result of this Rex did have to be monitored for 3 days in hospital before we could go home but he was absolutly fine.
I’ve had my blips since giving birth. I think I would be lying if I said I’ve been absolutly fine but what mother doesn’t struggle after having a baby? My medication helps keep me stable and for now I have zero plans to ever stop taking it. Because I’m a quetiapine Queen!
This years holiday wasn’t really what we’d planned for obsivious reasons! But we’re going away so that’s all that mattered. After 2 long months back at work and on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown I really needed this break away.
So bags packed and car full to bursting off we set for Weymouth 2020! We barely made it out of Swindon when 3 fully grown dears ran out infront of the car and almost sent us plumimiting into the side of the road. Rex was an absolute dream on the way down espically as we got caught in traffic and ended up adding an extra hour onto our journey which resulted in me having an emergency stop in a lay by for a very big wee that I couldn’t hold in any longer. Sorry for anyone who had to witness me squatting in the bushes! Honestly since having Rex I’ve got a bladder the size of a teabag. Anyway wee finshed quick shake and off we went.
My parents beat us down by about 20 minutes. I guess they have better bladders than me! We couldn’t check in until a bit later so we had a stroll into Weymouth had a quick nosy around the shops then headed for the beach!! To small to remember last years holiday Rex was absolutly loving the sand! Maybe a bit to much as he shoveld handfuls of the stuff in his gob. *eye rolls* only my child! Anyway he had an absolute blast! He dived head first into the sea he dug holes and played to his hearts content. And ofcorse my mum spoiled him to any bucket and spade and toys he wanted so he was well away!
So after playing on the beach we went to check into our room. I’ve stayed in lots of premier inns before all over the country and never had a problem. Who puts a family with a baby up 4 flights of stairs when there’s no lift? Yes you can imagine the fun we had lifting the buggy up and down every day. The room was fine Rex had a travel cot which was basic and we had a big double bed. We’d been there less then 5 minuets when Rex threw the Tv remote down the loo so I just knew this was going to be a great start to the holiday.
That night we ate in the hotel pub witch again was fine I had my absolute favourite Cesar salad. Rex somehow found his voice and started saying “HIYA” over and over again getting louder and louder so the whole place could hear. He had us in hysterics. I slept like absolute shit that night due to my ongoing lower back pain whenever I lay down so I was so tried the following day. Breakfast was an absolute farse mine was stone cold I suspect the chef probabley gobbed in my fresh breakfast after I kicked up a drink a small sent it back. Again we didn’t really do much except go round the shops and hit the beach. Rex had a lovely big nap on the beach so I had a chance to just chill out and sunbathe and not have to worry about chasing after him. Then me and mum went for a stroll to our favourite cake shop which we always visit when in Weymouth. We stayed on the beach for quite a few hours and I even managed a very refreshing swim in the sea. Then we headed back to get bathed and try to de-sand ourselves. Once again we walked back into Weymouth for some drum roll…..
FISH AND CHIPS ON THE SEAFRONT. Did you even go on holiday if you didn’t have fish n chips? Besides trying to dodge the begging seagulls it was absolutely lovely. Another fond favourite for me is the arcades! So me and mum went in and had some fun on the 2p machines whilst the men waited outside. Then it was time to go home and get ready for going home tomorrow.
We walked about 8 miles in total that day I couldn’t wait to get into that bed. Monday morning came so we packed up the car and drive into weymouth for some ice cream before we headed home. And that my friends is my write up of our very short family holiday this year. I wash it could have been longer but unfortunately that was not possible. We had a blast this weekend and that’s all that mattered.
Kids are just hillarious aren’t they? I mean they just enjoy the most simplest things in life. Like playing with a hairbrush or playing peekaboo for the 90th time that day. Running round with a bowl on Their head or waving a spatula about. Life is there to be enjoyed when you are that wee and my don’t they make the most of it? Unfortunately Along the way comes some bumps bruises and scrapes.
The tale of the blueberry bum is something that dismayed me to begin with. Horrified me even. Who knew that could turn into spontaneous laughter every time I think of the blueberry bum!! I know what you must be thinking. What the heck is a blueberry bum? No I haven’t gone mad not yet anyway!
Right so the situation at the moment is as I am back to work and the hubby is still furloughed he has become a stay at home dad. And he’s doing a marvellous job if I do say so myself. ( not counting the sheer devistation I endure when I see the mess Theve made after a long day at work) but hey if they are having fun then I don’t mind a little bit of tidying up when I get home.
Anyway so today I was missing my baby boy terribly so I asked for a picture from the hub. Not surprisingly he was butt naked letting it all hang out. Hey what ever makes him happy!! But as I looked closer I could see this mark on his bum. I was like how the fuck has he got a bruise that size on his bum?! I was angered and worried it was very purple and looked very sore! Challenging hubby to find out what the heck was going on I was in absolute hysterics at the reply to the message!!
Alas the blueberry bum was born! I think I laughed for about half an hour after that message it proper tickled me!!
Anyway a while later I thought we better get the boy clean so we had a bath but the blueberry wasn’t washing off. Holy shit false alarm! it really is a bruise!! I feel terrible I can only think he’s maybe sat on something or fallen down on his little peachy little ass and bruised the poor wee thing. I think it’s bothering me more than it is him! To be honest I don’t think he’s even noticed it.
Anyway I just had to tell this story because it really did make me chuckle today. I’m sure you all have some stories to tell of love to hear them just drop them below in the comments box.
Who knew that cute little son of mine was actually a mini Satan in disguise. Running around with his little red horns and spikey tail taking out anything in his path. I can’t be the only one whose house goes from perfection to natural disaster in 0.4 seconds?
The term wrecking ball is putting it lightly to describe the sheer devistation a toddler on a mission can accomplish. And the small ones are the worst because they can play the “I’m pretending I don’t understand the word no” when in actual fact they KNOW exactly what they are doing wrong. They just choose to raid the kitchen cupboards and walk around the house carrying a frying pan because it’s dam fun ok!
If your not quite at THAT stage yet where you’re child will grab everything in site and throw it on the floor then your in for a real treat. Expect to find the most unexpected items lurking around on your floor when you’re child gets to this stage. If a day goes by where I don’t trip over on a hairbrush or Cereal bowl then I wonder what the hell my child has been up to all day. If I can see the carpet at any time I have to stop and check he’s still here!!
Guests who come to my house look at me thinking does this women never tidy!? Listen up sister il be dammed if I’m running around after his tiny ass all day collecting all the random shit he chooses to play with and most of the time break because who needs a tv in the living room anyway? It’s way more fun to hit the screen and damage the inside. Mummy and daddy can afford to buy a new one. Kindly vacate the building Rex ( Thats my polite way of saying F**k Off. ) just a heads up to anyone coming round to watch the telly until further notice there will be a big black line up the middle of the screen. Thanks mini Satan for that one!! And if you happen to trod on anything upon entry please just leave it there where you found it and it will be tidied away later.
Please take no notice of the damage done to the interiors of my house. We’ve had the stair gate ripped from the wall. Cuboard doors yanked from their hinges and basically anything Rex height has either been damaged ripped apart or stained. Who needs a clean house anyway 🤷♀️. Oh we have a new fun game to play in this house. It’s called put your hands down the toilet and splash in the water. *eye rolls* all toilet doors are now locked until further notice. Please have a piss before you come round until told otherwise.
So there we have it. Our house has basically been transformed into a party house. We’ve got babys lining up to get in and take turns trashing the joint. It’s all in a days work!
My baby is 1 ! bloody 1. how the hell did that happen?! It only seems yesterday he was dragged kicking and screaming out of my fanny with a pair of forceps the Size of tennis rackets. And boy don’t I know it. But today is not about me it’s about my very handsome funny little fellow and his birthday.
And here we are a year later about to celebrate my beautiful boys birthday and no bastard lock down is going to ruin that! I’ve been preparing for this day ever since I found out I was pregnant. We all want to spoil our kids and give them the best memories we can!
So a few months ago I started buying decorations and bits and peices ready for Rexs big day. I don’t know who’s more excited me or Rex! Banners balloons and hats. We’ve got it all.
So our plans are as follows- a family day at the cotswold wild life park followed by a birthday tea in the garden with a few friends. Then the bastard weather forecast said rain all week and compleatly tipped my anixety over the edge worrying it was going to ruin Rexs birthday.
So we carried on planning as normal and the night before his birthday we decorated the garden. Meanwhile some stupid twat (Me) decided it would be a good idea to make a balloon arch for the party. If you arnt familiar with what ballon arches are then let me enlighten you with the total and utter ball ache of how to make one. My first bit of advice would be don’t bloody bother. But If you are hell bent on having one then I suggest you get started now because they take time to make!!
Firstly you need to order a balloon arch base which is basically a plastic tape with loads of holes in. Then all you need to do is thread the ballons through the holes. Easy right? WRONG!! You have to tie each individual balloon on …by hand. An hour and a half in, sore fingers and just about to lose my rag I decided I couldn’t give up now so I powered through. Credit to Mr M who blew the majority of them up all by himself without the use of the pump.
3 BLOODY HOURS LATER my fingers in tatters and my paitience just about at breaking point I had finshed!! It took up my whole living room and took 2 of us to relocate it into the kitchen where it would be staying until the morning. Pretty proud of my effort I went to bed with a big smile on my face looking forward to the pending birthday party the following day.
02/07/2020 HAPPY BIRTHDAY REX
Up at the crack of dawn present opening. I have to hand it to the boy he knows how to tear those presents to shreds! So many clothes and toys and bubbles!! Spoilt rotten as expected we had some quick breakfast and headed off to cotswold wildlife park where we had a fantastic day seeing all the animals and pretty flowers.
Absolutly exhausted from all the excitement we headed home ready to party!! Quick nap and shower and off we go getting all the decorations up on the garden. Just as everyone is arriving it starts absolutly hammering it down with rain and I’m not going to lie I just wanted to sob. Rexs birthday was going to be ruined. I couldn’t have everybody in my house because of that cunt corona virus so we very quickly manged to get 2 gazebos up in the garden for people to shelter under. Just as we’ve frantically finished getting them up it stops raining and the sun comes out! YAY!!
We had a great birthday tea party surrounded by what little People we were allowed the kids played and we had party food and cake and it was honestly the most perfect first birthday.
I just want to thank everybody who made Rexs first birthday extra special 💙