It’s one week before Christmas and the dreaded sick bug has got me. I’ve been off work throwing up and feeling dreadful. Until I realise my period is like 4 days late which never happens! I know this because I track my periods on an app and have done for years, it’s actually a really good thing to do and something I’d recommend anyway I was armed with a drawer full of pregnancy tests I thought I better see what’s going on.
The next day I find myself plonked on the toilet pants round my ankles staring at 2 lines on a pregnancy test not believing that it’s actually positive and I’m pregnant with my 3rd child! Holy shit 3 kids…. Me! Excitement and nerves set in during what is such an exciting time. We told our parents on Christmas Day giving them a really special Christmas present of another grandchild.
Everything had been going fine, I was wondering around pregnant with nobody knowing and I’m sure all mothers can vouch for me here that’s the most bizzare time of any pregnancy is the first few weeks when you are carrying around this massive secret that nobody else knows it’s like winning the lottery and not telling a soul. Id had some sickness and heartburn and I could smell absolutely everything. Christmas and new year had been, we’d talked about possible names and wether we’d like to find out the gender. I really fancied a suprise this time as the first two we knew the genders. I’d thought about how I was going to tell people the happy news, we’d started looking at bigger cars and new pushchairs. We had a due date of 21st August 2025 and a appoitment for a scan in February it all felt so surreal and really exciting and I felt like our family was complete.
Then things took a turn I hadn’t expected. One day I’d gone to the toilet and noticed some “spotting”. I tried not to panic as it was hardly anything. Then I had a phone call from my lovely midwife to book me in for my first appoitment at 10 weeks and I’d mentioned what had happend and she said keep and eye on it and ring the early pregnancy unit should it get worse.
Anyway the next few days it just got worse and worse and before I knew it felt like I was having a full on period I’d called the early pregnancy unit to try and get a scan to be told they were so busy and it was a 3 day wait! So I called another unit who were also so busy and couldn’t offer me anything sooner. Worrying I just carried on with day to day life bleeding trying to reassure myself it was ok. Nearly 5 days later and I’d started getting awful abdominol pain and I just couldn’t ignore it any longer so I called the local midwife team at Witney hospital who basically said there’s nothing we can do. By this time I knew in my gut I was miscarrying and couldn’t believe anybody wouldnt see me or get me scanned. I felt like Id been left alone to bleed it out and maybe I would miscarry maybe I wouldn’t but I’d be doing it alone because nobody could help me and that’s one of the worst bits of this story and the thing I will never forget is being left alone to go through this.
That day I’d had enough mentally and psychically I’ve never felt so helpless and vunrable in my life so I left work and we went straight to A&E where we had a long 6 hour wait. I had a blood test and basically got told I might have to come back tomorrow for a scan! Well you can imagine by this point I was just done of being left to bleed not knowing what was happening and I think if I hadn’t of told the doctor that I genuinely don’t think I would have been scanned that night. So we got sent back into the waiting room to find out if we’d have to go back. It was getting on for midnight and I was so tired, then a hospital porter comes up to me with a wheel chair and said he’s taking me to the women’s center. I told him I can walk but he insisted, so I got pushed for what felt like 10 miles all round the hospital and we had to laugh because it was ridiculous my legs wernt broken but bless him the guy pushed me right up to the bed in the women’s center.
Now this is where the story gets abit shit because when he wheeled me round the corner into reception of the women’s center I saw a nurse walking towards us, she clocks us rolls her eyes turns round and huffs like it’s the biggest inconviencee for me to be there and I’m not going to lie I felt terrible at how rude she was. After a while of waiting a doctor came round and took me off to have a speculum which was horrific because I’m still bleeding, I’m exhausted it’s nearly 1am and I’m half naked with a fucking plastic tube stuck up my fanny but I need to know what’s happening. So we do the examination I get my clothes back on and we have a chat. I’m told the results of my blood test show my HCG hormone level is normal which gives me a glimmer of hope that I’m still pregnant. Then she slaps me in the face with the news I might need to come back tomorrow for a scan. I’m fucking raging inside with emotion…. Why is nobody helping me? So I relayed my concern that I feel like I’m not getting any help and she goes off to speak to another doctor who agrees to scan me. Fucking finally!!
Wether it be good news or bad I just need to know at this point. So in comes this man who seems very nice and he starts scanning after a few minutes he tells me he can’t get a good view so we need to do an internal! Marvelous Fuck sake not again. I’m still bleeding at this point so for abit of dignity he drawers the curtain so hubby can’t see what’s going on. And in we go he’s moving it around for what feels like forever, he’s clicking things on the scanning machine making me think he’s taking pictures of the baby and all is ok, I’m staring at the ceeling tiles trying to count them and crossing my fingers but sadly he broke the news to me in his opinion I’m miscarrying. I had no emotion at this point and I think they were all shocked I didn’t cry. I just had nothing left in me if I’m honest I felt sad and let down it had come to this. I had my canula out, appoitment made for the early pregnancy unit on Thursday to confirm the loss then we just left. Just like that. It was getting on for 2am I hadn’t eaten since breakfast so we got in the car and went home. Stopping at a garage on the way to get a sandwich. So there I was sat eating my pheatic little chicken sandwich with tears rolling down my cheeks bleeding and in pain and I just wanted to go home. We got home around 3 and had to be up at 7 to go back to the hospital for something unrelated so you can imagine how tired I was I got home and slept till nearly 3pm.
That night the kids came home from school and nursery and I had the best cuddles from both my babies, all of a sudden that’s all that mattered. So we sat and played and did puzzles the rest of the night and it was lovely. The next day soon came I felt so vubrable and sad so a friend dropped Rex at school for me and i went back to bed and just had a day to myself. 3pm soon came and it was time to leave for the pregnancy unit, part of me was still hoping they’d got it wrong. The staff at the clinic were so kind and caring, annoyingly I had to have another internal scan which was very uncomfortable and seemed to go on forever. Again I focused on those dam ceiling tiles as I’m lead there being scanned. Then it came… the nurse very gently told me it was Infact a misscarrige and id passed a lot of it already, but sadly on the scan she could see I still had a lot of blood to pass which could either gradually leave my body or gush out of me at any given moment so she recommended taking a spare pair of pants, trousers and plenty of pads where ever I go. Next I had to have a blood test to check my hormone levels were going back down. They were in no rush to get us out, we sat and chatted, I had questions and they answered the best they could with as much respect and kindness as you could imagine.
And that was it we left, the bleeding and pain a constant reminder of what’s happend which could apparently go on for 3 weeks just to add insult to injury.
2 days later I get called back to the John Radcliffe for another blood test, that’s the 3rd visit in the space of 5 days and I am drained beyond belief, the staff at the gynaecology department are a bunch of miserable bastards which really doesn’t make me feel any better. A smile and a friendly tone when they speak to you wouldn’t go a miss. obviously we had to wait around for the test which they did and sent me back to the waiting room for the result which is making me think my HCG hormone level isn’t going down as much as it should because this is the 3rd blood test I’ve had in the space of 5 days. So we waited about an hour to be told the doctors are really busy, go home and wait for a a call. So off we went to my mums for my birthday tea, and no phone call. That night it really starts to sink in what’s happend and thoughts are flying round my head wondering if I did anything wrong, was it my fault? Could it have been my weight? Or the fact I’d had thoughts of panic about having 3 children, did the baby know this? I think we all know the rational answer to those questions but it doesn’t stop me wondering what if. I’d be lying if I said my mental health is ok right now, I’m at the lowest I’ve felt in a really long time. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings, just brushing my hair and teeth or even taking a shower seems like a mammoth task and I’m not intrested in anything except sleeping but sadly life has to go on and I’m finding it incredibly difficult to do absolutely anything right now. I feel like I’m not there for the 2 kids I have got which makes me feel even worse but I just can’t shift this sadness and tiredness, man I’m tired I’ve been going to sleep at 8pm nearly every night, my body is so run down I’ve got a cough and cold and constant headache. Just writing this all down is like a therapy for me honestly that’s why I do it.
It’s been a week since since I lost the baby, numerous blood tests later to check my ever changing hormones and it looks like I’ve got my last one next week thank fuck. I just wanted to do a little reflection on the way I’ve been treated throughout this process, as you already know things didn’t get off to a good start, diagnosis and I guess you could say treatment mainly blood tests and scans I could say went relatively well, but there’s something lingering with me that I’m really not ok with and that’s the fact I’ve gone through this horrible experience and not once have I been offered so much as a fucking leaflet with some phone line support numbers or advice…Nothing, Nada, Zilch, I’ve basically been hung out to dry and left to deal with it on my own and i didn’t even realise this till just now when I got a little tearful in bed and thought to myself I need to reach out and talk about this, then it hit me that I have absolutely zero idea on how or where to do that, I’m absolutely gutted about some of the treatment I’ve received or not received during this process, sadly that’s going to stick with me when I remember this horrible time. For now I had to try and do something even small just to give me abit of closure and acceptance so I found this little wooden box online to keep the pregnancy test in. Sadly there was so scan photo so all I’ve got as proof of this pregnancy is the test I kept. Now it’s safely in its box never to be forgotton.
A few weeks have passed and things have settled down, life has resumed and gone back to some sort of normality. Half of me really wants to try again right away and the other half is really scared to so I guess we will see what happens.
Miscarriage is something I never had on my 2025 bingo card but nature decided differently, it’s sad and it’s confusing but it’s all part of my story which I’m pretty sure hasn’t ended just yet.
Z
Xxx
The Z word 
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