When anxiety strikes

It’s been sometime since I’ve struggled with anxiety but it seems to have wheezled its way back into me rather rudely and abruptly and it’s about time it fucked off. As always writing things down really helps for me so if your here then welcome and sorry you have to hear this utter shit but needs must.

So let’s start on a positive, after many many years of the most horrendous anxiety I finally learnt to drive and passed my test! I really wish I could explain to you the mountain I had to climb to do that but we’d be here all day and I’m sure you’ve all got better things to do! So let’s just say I conquered one of my biggest fears and I WON!!!!

Anyway with every positive comes a negative and Id spent all summer driving here and there I was really making the most of my new found freedom. Anyway ofcorse sooner or later my driving bubble was going to be popped and it well and truly fucking burst and made me spiral into one of the worst bouts of anxiety I’ve ever had.

One night in early December I had a really traumatic driving experience and as a fairly new driver it really shook me up to the point I had probably the worst panic attack I’ve ever had which triggered the most horrendous patch of anxiety I think I’ve ever ever had to.

So when anxiety strikes it strikes me good and proper. I had a really shit few days after the bad driving experience I cried a lot then what followed over the next month or so really stopped me in my tracks. I really wish there was a rhyme or reason for the thoughts I’ve experienced over the last month, i wish they made sence and I wish they’d leave me alone.

It always starts the same way, small worries, are the kids sick? Is something going to happen to me? And I should dam well know this is the beginning of end but I never see it till it’s to late. Things escalated quickly and my old thoughts start popping back in my head like what if I die, what if the kids die, then before you know it I’m calculating how many years I’ve got left to live and how many years I’ve got left with the kids, if I had another baby now how long would they get with me that sort of shite. Then before you know it things have snowballed so badly it’s not “what if” I’m going to die it’s I’m GOING to die and these thoughts plague my mind mostly late at night when I’m lead in bed but during the day to when I’m not busy.

Christmas comes and goes and I’m alright but not ok. Then the sudden realisation that soon I’m going to visit a friend up north a 3 hour drive away and my brain totally loses its shit and I mean really loses its shit! So much so I’ve worked myself up In such a state about driving up there I’m contemplating writing letters to the kids incase something happens and I don’t make it back, things get worse and I’ve convinced myself I’m going to die on the way. I’m having ideas about writing on my arm in maker pen how much I love the kids so if I’m found someone will beable to tell them. I’m not sleeping for nights waking up in a full blown panic, I feel like I can’t breathe and even started getting chest pains. The day before my big trip I decide I absolutely cannot drive and that’s that. I feel so fucking shit and stupid and I know that thoughts I’m having are so irrational but what can I do? So I take the easy way out and book a train. And instantly I feel the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders the weeks of worry and bad thoughts just go so I made that trip up north feeling very stupid and very vubrable but I made it safely.

Thankfully the bad thoughts and anxiety have calmed down, I’m using technics such as a breathing app on my phone and just today I bought an anxiety bear that you cuddle and it “breathes” and is supposed too calm you.

I almost feel free now I’ve written all this down. If you’ve made it this far then thanks for reading my ramblings even though it probably doesn’t make sence to any of you, if I’m honest it doesn’t even make sence to me either.

Z

Xxx