Mental Health and Me

I’ve been staring at a blank screen for a while wondering how to write this post, its hard putting your life on show knowing everyone will be reading this and the worries about what people will think. But sod it my new years resolution was to be more honest and not let people push me around so here goes.

I wont go into detail about myself but like I’ve said in past posts my mental health has been reasonably good recently I’ve been loving life except for the few pregnancy related mishaps which I’ve dealt with and got over. Long before I got pregnant and I’m talking maybe 6 or 7 years I’ve had sleep problems sometimes mild where I just cant get to sleep at night to sever insomnia where one weekend last January I didn’t sleep for 72 hours! And no that’s not an exaggeration just ask poor Mr M who stayed up with me looking after me and trying to help me settle me, cuddling me and being supportive. (He deserves a medal for that weekend) Anyway… lack of sleep for me is like the biggest trigger you can imagine.

I’ve been on strong ish sleeping tablets for a few years now prescribed by the doctor and honestly they work wonders! ( I don’t take them during pregnancy for obvious reasons) The only issue with the tablets is they can become addictive so I only used to get prescribed them a few weeks at a time. The other tablets I’m on for my mood are designed to help me sleep which give me that little extra boost when I’m struggling but for some reason when I fell pregnant my sleep problems seemed to straighten themselves out and I slept like a log for the first few months which was great! Just lately as I’m getting bigger and the urge to pee is like every 5 minuets my sleeping habits have started to get bad again and because of this I’m very tired in the day and generally run down but getting up and going to work and having a laugh with my work mates really lifts my spirits I love those guys and I’m going to be so emotional when I hang up my apron for 7 months maternity leave soon.

Sunday night just passed I had probably the worst nights sleep I’ve had in months and Monday morning I woke up in tears exhausted and hating the world. I felt so low, why is this happening to me? I start getting thoughts that … ( please bear in mind I know these are not rational thoughts now I am feeling better)  I start thinking I’m going to die and everyone I love is going to die and what’s the point in having a baby if I might die and leave him motherless? Its ridiculous to think these things could even be true but when you find yourself so mentally exhausted things like this actually feel like reality. I’m quite good at recognising when I’m getting poorly so I try and make sure I do something about it

I forced myself out of bed and got on the bus to oxford to have a look round the shops but still I felt so numb and as I’m sat on the bus the baby starts kicking and at that moment I just thought god what kind of mother am I going to be if I get myself in this state when he’s born?
So I get to oxford make a dash for the new shopping centre as per usual I’m dying for a wee. I sat on the toilet and burst into tears and I have no idea why I was crying but I knew I had to sort myself out so I did and had a brief look round the shops and bought a few new things for baby, had a hot chocolate in costa.Trying to think of ideas how to make myself feel better I had an idea of going to the book shop to
see if I  could find a book to read to keep my mind off things. So once back in Witney I had a quick look around the book shop and found 2 books I liked the look of and as soon as I got home I got stuck into one of them. About an hour later I couldn’t put the book down and it had made me forget how I was feeling. HURRAH!

After having a chat with a twitter friend she suggested trying to sleep with a pillow between my legs to help support the bump. And after a brilliant sleep and only waking up twice I can confirm it works! I had a great sleep and woke up feeling refreshed but still a bit low. There’s only one thing for it, so Mr M took me for a drive to Barrington, there’s something about being in a moving car that really calms me so we did that and then we emptied out our change pot went to the bank and changed it and treated ourselves to dinner out. For me when I know I’m getting low I know I need to act quick to prevent it getting bad. My thing that helps me is getting out weather its walking in the fresh air or going for a drive with the husband whatever it is I force myself out and it almost always sorts me out. Now I have a new thing… reading! I honestly cant put this book down its so good. ​
The most important thing for me and everyone else is tell someone how you feel… as soon as I tell Mr M he always replies okay tell me how I can help. What more does a girl need than someone like that!! I would be lost without him, I cant wait for him to be the most amazing daddy and to be there to support me after the birth when things feel tough. Hes the best! (When he’s not annoying me)​

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