Getting shitty

I’m finally at that stage In pregnancy where pretty much my dignity and grace has gone out the window. They really should pre warn pregnant people how messy things can get at around 6 months. I know you’re dying to hear all about it so here goes…

My it’s been windy lately, and I’m not talking about the weather here, more what’s been going on in my underpants I could win a Gold medal if burping and farting were an Olympic sport! And gosh have I left all my dignity at the door step.

It all started one frightful evening. Actually it was just a normal evening at work. That was until I got half way home and suddenly felt that horrendous urge to shit myself, you know the one where the world is about to explode out of your backside and there’s absolutely sod all you can do about it!! God no this can’t be happening, I’m a 34 year old women walking home like some kind of chav trying my very hardest not to let shit litlerry fall from my arse. Luckily to my advantage it was pitch black so had the worst happend I doubt anybody would have seen, but as I’m walking I’m having to slow down because it’s there, you know… right there seconds from exploding and fucking hell I don’t know what to do, I start looking around for big leaves to wipe my sorry arse on incase the inevitable happens and I end up shitting on the pavement. Thoughts start flying around , christ if i actually do this I’m going to have to move towns, disown all my friends and start a new life where no bugger knows me. Scurrying home like some kind of disabled ferret i somehow by the grace of god made it home just in the nick of time before the whole world fell out of my arse, I’ve never felt so relieved in all my life.

Now I really wish I could tell you that the above atrocities were a one time thing but unfortunately for me only a matter of weeks later something rather similar happend again. Except this time I was safety and the comfort of my own home, alone and getting very shitty! Now since my bump has been getting bigger the little madam inside me has been pushing all my organs up which makes it very uncomfortable to eat, sleep and basically be alive. I’ve had severe heartburn for days, and sickness. Then… it started again. That rumbling feeling deep inside my intestines, fuck. Sprinting to the bathroom with milliseconds to spare and when I say milliseconds I mean MILLISECONDS! My guts just fell out of me, I almost thought I’d given birth! That dreadful morning saw numerous very near misses dashing to the bathroom. Another day off work of corse I am not stepping outside my front door till I know I am 100% not going to shit my pants in public.

And that my lovelies is the absolute pinnacle of being pregnant, lord help me get through the next 4 months without shitting anywhere but on a toilet!



2 thoughts on “Getting shitty

  1. Oh no! I had this in Week 5! Luckily was in a supermarket so I could get to the toilet and it’s no happened as bad since but I wouldn’t want to leave the house either if I was you! Love the way you’ve written about it so comically though. I look forward to reading about your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

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