It’s been 5 months since I pushed a 7.8 pounder out of my nether region and i am very impressed I’ve had no major breakdowns in the glorious 5 months of motherhood so far.

Until now… let me introduce you to the mummy who’s losing her marbles! That’s me! Crikey it’s all going on, I don’t know weather I’m coming or going at the moment. I thought newborn state was hard thats got nothing on what’s happening right now.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when things took a turn for the worse down shit hole lane, I’m still stuck down the dead end unable to turn around and make a swift exit. Now anyone who knows me knows that I can be a bit scatty at the best of times, even more so when I’ve got a screming 5 month old ( who by the way CANNOT be left unattended even for a second anymore) but that’s a story for another day!

So pretty much most days now I’m juggling a screaming baby, trying to do the housework, trying to feed and water myself all the while my washing is piled high my tea is burning and my washing up water has gone cold before I’ve even started because the baby will not give over for 1 second!! I’m lucky if I get to wipe my own arse at the moment.

Teatime is as ever a momentous occasion, baby’s routine is bed by 7 whilst mummy cooks tea, this week however the little sod is playing on mummy’s stress of trying to keep the house running smoothly and takes a whole hour to get to sleep after being put to bed. Like HELLO !! Mummy’s trying to keep this house is one peice, I’m running upstairs in between each mouthful of my dinner trying to settle the blubbering mess that is my child.

By the time the little devil has fallen asleep I just about have time to run a bath tidy up quickly and go to bed. This week however has just been one big nightmare that I cannot wake up from. We have numerous apparatus that can hold the petulant child, will he sit and play sitting in his chair or his play center? Will he buggery. Didn’t you know it’s more fun to be held by mummy especially when she’s got things to do? Apparently it is.

My marbles are well and truley lost, I’m sprinting between rooms trying to do things in the fastest time possible and failing miserably. Rex however is having a great time watching his mum lose her shit.

The thing to top all this off is when rex goes to one of his nanny’s whilst I go to work he behaves impeccably! If that isn’t a kick in the teeth enough when ever we grace the great outdoors with our presence all anyone says is “oh what a happy baby” “what a good boy” meanwhile in the back ground in scowling thinking if only you knew!!

Despite everything , the days he’s being a litte sod, the days I sit and cry thinking I cannot cope, the sleepless nights and the constant whinging and crying, I love my boy more then anything in the world. Nothing could ever stop me loving my perfect boy.

Just learn to behave a bit better for mummy please Rex!

Z

Xxx

This weeks post is a bit of a lazy ( and possibly boring ) one I’m afraid to admit. I have no topic to write about this week because can you believe it I’ve had a very mediocre week! So I will just go with it and see how It goes.

Does anyone mind if I sway away from the pregnancy/baby theme just for a brief moment? Because something HUGE happend in the world of TV this week and to be honest I’m still not quite over it. THE CHASE! Itv have only bloody taken the chase of our 5pm slot every day and replaced it with some shit game show! I know!! Can you believe it? It’s like my whole daily routine has been ripped up and thrown up in the air. Where am I going to get my 5pm quiz show fix now? Beyond gutted. And I’m not the only one apparently according to twitter. Hundreds of complaints have been made demanding it be reinstated. Come on itv sort it out love!

Something that has really been grinding my gears recently is people thinking it’s ok to park on the path making it impossible to get by with the buggy. This has been something I have been venting my frustrations about quite a bit getting very mixed opinions. Quite simply if you think it’s acceptable to block a pathway with a car then don’t bother arguing with me because honestly it’s wrong and we all know it! Mums you know how annoying and down right dangerous it is when you have to walk in the road with a pushchair! I know it’s boring and I bang on so I will say no more about it.

What else had been happening this week? I guess I should talk about Rex atleast once in this post, what an angel he has been at bedtime this week. He’s pretty much mastered sleeping through at night now! Unfortunately my body is used to getting up during the night so I keep finding myself up wondering why he’s not woken up. Last night was a corker! I managed 7 hours sleep without waking up! Also the little legend has started going 4 hours between feeds this week making my life a hell of a lot easier!!

So last week we went for a Christmas family photoshoot! Dressed up in our Christmas finery off we popped to Bourton on the water for a fun filled photoshoot! I’m keeping the photos under wraps for now as I’m planning on making Christmas cards with them. Which leads me to my next topic…. You know you’re officially a parent when you have a craft box! My oh my did I enjoy shopping for such stuff. My eyes glazed over at all the crafting opportunities that lay Before me. Glitter, stickers, paint, metallic pens, ribbon etc etc. Aswell as ordering stencils and card online we are well geared up for some crafting!! Expect your Christmas card to arrive early December!

Lastly today we decided to try a baby group for the first time. I’m just impressed that we made it up and out the front door by 8:30am to be honest. That’s an achievement in its self. So off we popped with Rex’s best mate Mabel and about 100 other screming running wild children. We played we bounced and we rolled and we watched Mabel run around playing with all the toys, Rex wishing he could get up and play to. Then off we went for a look round the shops and nipped into my old friend Aldi. £16 for a massive basket of shopping Wouldn’t get that in Waitrose (Wink Wink)

And that my friends is a round up of the last week or so of my very working class mediocre life as mum who cannot wait to get stuck into the glitter and pretty things to make cards!!

Tune in to see the finshed result!

Z

Xxx

Obviously upon getting pregnant I knew my sleeping pattern was going to change as soon as I had the baby. So what better thing to do than basically sleep through my whole pregnancy! Not literally that would just be silly! But what I used to do was basically sleep when ever I possibly could. Including one very long day at work where I went for a cuppa tea and a sit down in our restraunt at work where I happend to fall asleep at the table! Apparently the front of house staff thought it was right funny and just left me to it.

Its no secret that I’ve struggled with insominia for a lot of years now and it’s made me really very porley on some occasions. Almost as soon as I got up the duff my body did this Miraculous U turn and actually let me sleep! I couldn’t believe my luck! So ofcorse I made the absolute most out of this situation and slept anywhere and everywhere!

Towards the end of pregnancy was a totally diffrent kettle of fish. Getting up sometimes 10 times a night to pee was as you can imagine a blast! Those aches and pains Ruined what was my time to shine in the bedroom. Mr M has a compleatly different idea what that sentence means. Anyway sleep sleep sleep is what I did right up until I popped!

After the momentous occasion when Rex was dragged kicking and screaming out of my foo foo my whole life changed for ever! Why does everyone feel they need to ask THAT QUESTION. You know the one? Does baby sleep well? What do these people expect me to say? I’m so sick of answering this question, they don’t actually want to know it’s just a way of making small talk I even admit I’m guilty of this!

Anyway where was I? Ah yes… As I have nothing to compare it to , I would say Rex is a reasonable sleeper. And by resonable I mean he’s a totally unpredictable little dick at times. Newborn Rex was abit hit and miss, my anixety stopped me from sleeping wondering weather he was ok? Is he breathing, is he to hot or to cold? Back then he’d wake around 3 times per night wanting feeding and a nappy change. Cocktail sticks at the ready my body really wasn’t accustomed to this new situation.

In between then and now we’ve had some some wild midnight party’s racking up the shots of milk and some late night shitty nappy’s! Those fuckers! if they don’t give you nightmares I don’t know what will!

Then came THAT NIGHT. Yes that one! Hours ticking by and no wake up. Is he ok? Is he breathing? Because ofcorse I wake up every 3 hours ready to feed the boy but he decides nah.. I’m sleeping through! I can’t tell you how excited I was. I thought to myself this is it!! Finally! He’d going to start sleeping through the night. Just as I’ve got the bunting out and started celebrating BAM!! Suprise mummy only joking! It’s a good job I love the little sod as much as I do.

So here we are 4.5 months down the line. Every now and again he treats me to a good nights sleep. Currently waking up once a night around 1am for a bottle. One day he will decide he’s going to be kind to mummy and sleep through every night until then party round mine 1am bring a bottle. Because sleep… what’s that?

Happy sleeping!!

Z

Xxx

You wouldn’t think it but one of the biggest obstacles of having a baby is being off work and claiming statuary maternity pay because let’s face it its pants! I wasn’t thankful at the time but looking back I’m really glad it took a year to get pregnant because I managed to save hard for a year and 9 months which I am really thankful for now!!

So what are new mothers entitled to from the government? Maternity pay is made up of 52 weeks (I think) the first 6 weeks we get 90% of our wage which is pretty reasonable. As soon as that 6 weeks is up BAM it’s like being hit with financially embarrassed spade right in the face.

And let me tell you even with a mountain of savings behind me I’m still struggling! It’s the little things you don’t even think about that all add up. All those trips to costa have pretty much wiped me out and I’m only 5 months into my maternity leave! The baby milk at £20 a week and the rate that they grow out of clothes is crippling me. My savings keep going down and down making me panic that I’m going to have to go back to work earlier then planned.

On top of all this the dreding C word is looming! I took the decision to go back to work 1 day a week to earn some doller for Christmas! First parenting hack is save save save… get down the pound shop and get yerself one of those saving tins and keep wacking any spare money you’ve got in there! You’d be surprised how it all adds up! I can’t wait to open mine and go and do some Christmas shopping!

So 5 months in and I’ve realised I need to stop going out for lunch 3 times a week and buying unnecessary shit that I really don’t need. I’ve learnt quite a few tricks and hacks on how to survive the utter joke that we get as maternity pay! Don’t be afraid to jot these down and try them out!

Probabley the biggest parenting hack for any new mum is second hand stuff! Being a new parent is not a time to be proud and refuse second hand stuff from people. Infact most of the stuff we have is second hand! What’s the point In spending a fortune on clothes/ cots/ prams ect when there’s perfectly good second hand stuff to be had. I’m not a snob I will take anything thrown at me. We all want our babies to have the best we can possibly give them but Seriously in the long run it will save you loads!! May I suggest trying out eBay to? I’ve had some right bargains on there! Take this gro bag for example! 30 odd quid brand new. I got it for £6 on eBay!

A trick that I stupidly missed out on was buying a season ticket for the bus! As I don’t drive I have to get the bus everywhere which is fine apart from the cost! It’s almost £6 return to my local big town. If I go just twice a week that’s almost £50 a month! I really missed a trick with that one. But we live and learn I know for next time!

This next one sounds pretty obvious… basically don’t spend £100 on food in Waitrose when it will cost you half that from Aldi! I know a few Aldi snobs who won’t even dare to go past the front door in fear they will be seen and laughed at for shopping in a cheapy shop. God forbid! Why would you buy a pint of milk in Waitrose for 5 quid when it’s only 1 in Aldi? Aldi is perfectly good produce for amazing value so be wise .. don’t be a Waitrose wanker!

One of the best hacks I’ve found is sale shopping! I’ve been super organised and have already started buying for when my baby is 1! Whenever there’s a sale on I’m there like a crazed mum rustling through the rails sniffing out all the bargains. FYI H&M have amazing sales!! Now is not the time to be proud and shop in places like John Lewis and such like. Primark is the best place for good quality lower priced baby clothes.

One great trick I’m rather proud of is my ability to perfect “photo shoots” for my child. You know the ones I mean? Where you go along to a studio and pay an absolute fortune to have some cool pics of your baby taken in diffrent scenarios. Bugger that! I’ve learnt how to do it myself and save big bucks! Let’s take a Halloween photo shoot for example. Probably over £100 to have done professional. Zoe’s way costs. around £10! I got all the stuff I needed from my friend the pound shop, and I was extremely lucky to find a HUGE pumpkin in …You guessed it! ALDI. That bad boy was only £2:50! So away we went. I stuck a white sheet up and snapped away. Here’s the finshed pics.!

Then I had the idea to do a autumn photoshoot. All I needed was a shit ton of leaves. So off I skipped up to the rec with a bin bag and a very embarrassed looking husband in tow. I gathered up all the leaves I needed and off I trotted back home to do my thing! This one was totally free and I got some really good professional looking photos.

My final peice of advice is simply just to budget. Work out what you’ve got to spend that week and don’t go above it. Saying that I also advise don’t obsess over money like I do. Still have fun go out and enjoy yourself with baby because let’s face it maternity leave doesn’t last forever. Do everything that makes you happy.. except shop in Waitrose. Nobody likes a Waitrose wanker!!

Happy maternity leave

Z

Xxx

I’m a little late on this one because Rex is almost 4 months old, in these 4 months I’ve been umming and arring observing and deciding is breast best?

I’m ashamed to admit i used to be anti Breast feeding. Mainly because I was uneducated about the whole situation. I was one of those who would snigger and be disgusted at women who wacked their tits out in public to feed the baby, I don’t want to see that! Similarly I hated the thought of Breast feeding, the thought of a baby sucking on my nipples made me feel sick. The week before I gave birth when my boobs spontaionsly started leaking without prior permission I cried and cried freaking out at the fact something was coming out of my boobs!!

Before I get stoned to death by all the breast feeding fanatics bear with! I specifically told the midwives in hospital I DID NOT want to breast feed. And what did the mother fuckers do once my baby was born? put him straight on my breast to feed! I was so unbelievably fuming for all of 2 minutes. To be honest I was so mentally drained tired and had no idea what was going on around me I let them hold him on me to feed. Once up in recovery they politely asked me this time if I’d like to give it a go. As they asked so nicely (yes I’m being sarcastic) I thought I’d give it a go. So they plonked him on my nipple and away we went!

Rex was happy, I mean who wouldn’t be? He’s snuggled into a big boobie pillow getting fed. The second he started feeding this time it felt totally natural and something I never thought I would experience, I would go as far as to say I was very proud of myself for breast feeding my son.

I breast fed Rex about 4-5 times, in the end it got to difficult he wouldn’t latch on and it stressed us both out and there’s no chance in hell I would have ever whacked my tits out in public so we decided to go onto formula. Something that has suited us both well.

Let’s weigh up the benifits of breast vs bottle! Let’s start with what Mother Nature blessed us with. Boobies! Obviously the biggest benifit to breast feeding is baby is getting your milk, probabley the purest thing available to them. Full of goodness and nutrients they need. Then there’s the bond between mum and baby whilst feeding. The bonus about breast milk is ITS FREE!!

Formula obsiviously isn’t on par with breast milk but it’s as close as you could get filled with all nutrients and vitamins baby needs to grow up big and strong! I don’t understand why some people are so against formula it’s been used for donkeys years. I was formula fed and there’s nout wrong with me! The problem with formula is it can get expensive espically as baby gets older. Depending on brand it’s between £8-£10 a tub. We are currently on 2 tubs a week so it can get costly!! The benifit of bottle feeding is dad can get involved and feed baby and have his bonding time.

So the age old question…. is breast best?

Truthfully? No it’s not. Neither is formula! What’s best is what ever works for the individual and for baby. There’s no wrong or right way to feed your baby and anybody who judges or makes any mum feel guilty for the way they feed their baby is quite simply a twat.

Happy feeding !!

Z

Xxx

Can we just take a moment here to appreciate that I actually AM NOT pregnant again!! I never thought I would be so happy to see my period again!

For those of you who are none the wiser to what’s been going on here’s what happend! In maybe to much detail but stay with me we can have a laugh together.

Remember how I said my lady region had finally healed! Well that wasn’t entirely true. As I found out one night in the throws of passion after a few drinks when the sausage definitely didn’t fit in the hole!! Oh my that was a whole worldly experience that went down like a sack of shit. I don’t need to go into detail, you arnt stupid you know exactly what I’m on about!! Any women who tells you they’ve had sex right after giving birth are either channeling their inner Pinocchio or have some sort of superhuman bionic vigina!!

Anyway… maybe a week or so later it was round 2, you don’t know if you don’t try right? Filled with fear of splitting open and emptying my guts everywhere I dived right in hoping for the best and needless to say that night I discovered my vadge was back to normal!! Hurrah! Still not decided what contraception I want to partake in we opted for the good old fashioned pulling out method. (Sorry mum if you’re reading this) and no before you ask it wasn’t wiped on the curtains, we do have some class!

Rather chuffed that I manged to have sex without my fanny falling to peices I slept very well that night. Not really thinking to much more of the situation until a couple of weeks later when I thought I’d check my period tracker app to see when I’m due on.

To my absolute horror I was late by 2 days. FUCK!! surely it’s just my periods getting back to normal right? Or could I actually be pregnant again? Needless to say I convinced myself That sperm had met egg and made me another screming shitting little Delight. Days went by checking if id come on, I’ve never wanted to bleed from my fanny more than I did right then! Praying to the period gods to throw it at me with everything they had.

The irony of this whole situation is that it took me a year to get pregnant with my first and all of a sudden I was pregnant again after having sex once !! Not only was I pregnant again but it was the exact same month as I got pregnant before!! Suddenly I’m going to have 2 kids under the age of 1! Can you imagine? I darent for fear it’s actually true and I’m up the duff again!! All I could think was mums going to kill me, I have no money and I’m probabley going to lose my job.

Thankfully for me this story turns out in my favour as I actually did come on my period! I’ve never been happier to be a menstruating woman! I had to stop myself from running down the street screaming IM NOT PREGNANT!! Obsiviously if I had been pregnant I would have been happy it would just have been a massive shock and a big panic to try and get enough money together to go on maternity leave again!

If there’s one lesson to be learnt after all this it’s to either strap it up before you whack it up or get on the pill which is exactly what I’ve done! I’d like to dedicate this post to all the future sperm killed in their prime before they get chance to impregnate me again, may they try and fail until next time.

Cheeres!!

Z

Xxx

We’ve all been there.. the moment world war 3 has just exploded in the nappy, you know the one? Where you actually think twice about throwing the baby in the bin and Starting a fresh. Nasty nappies are all part and parcel of parenting and if you’ve not dealt with one yet then you arnt doing it right.

Is it just me or before being a parent we’re you shy talking about poo? I can’t be the only one? What self respecting woman talks openly about their crap? Fair play to any women who were open about that kind of stuff. Becoming a mother has taught me a lot of life lessons, it’s taught me how to love like I’ve never loved before, it’s taught me how to be a better person but most importantly it’s taught me not to be shy about talking about poo! Why is it suddenly okay to obsess over your baby’s poo? Why is it ok to announce to the room that your baby has done a huge shit? Why is it okay to ask the baby sitter if your baby has had a shit today? Motherhood is a magical journey of love and pooey nappies that’s why! If we have to deal with it then everyone has to hear about it!

I won’t lie I was a little bit terrified of nasty nappies because I don’t have the strongest stomach in the world, I can just about manage to pick up dog poo without bringing up my breakfast, I was quite pleasantly surprised that newborns nappies arnt actually that bad! I missed the lovely black tarry nappy because Rex decided he was going to poo inside me so that was that. From the day he was born his poos were kind of cute. I know what your thinking! Who the fuck calls a poo cute? I’m a mother ok everything about my baby is cute!

Baby’s poos change as they grow and develop. Rex went from tiny poos to medium ish ones that reminded me of frosting on a cupcake! Sorry to any cupcake fanatics reading this. Now Rex is 3 months old his poos have changed dramatically and by dramatically I mean mount Vesuvius has just exploded in his nappy! My god have we had some smashers! Some so bad it takes 2 of us to change him. Then there’s the emergency bath poo. You know the one I mean! Where the baby is basically covered head to toe in shit that you need to get the poo police involved. The silent ones are probabley the worst because you don’t know how long theve been sat in it for squishing it all around their arse making it doubly hard to clean up! The ultimate worst poo is the wrigler! The one where baby will not keep still! You’ve got one had holding the legs up the other hand wiping and baby is just playing the Hokey Cokey with it’s dirty nappy, you’ve not seen shit spread so quickly in all your life!

And that concludes my summery of nasty nappies!

Happy changing peeps!

Z

Xxx