It’s something women dread, it’s a taboo and it needs to be spoken about more. What is it? THE SMEAR TEST. The delightful event where what feels like a test tube is shoved up yah muff. But please don’t be alarmed I’m here to make you laugh and make sure you get that smear test in the calendar!!

That’s right today I’m having my fanny checked and I’m about to tell you all about it. Because if this post makes just one women go and have her test done then I will be so happy.

Now usually I would be so embarrassed about going to get a smear done but after farting in the faces of not 1 but 2 midwives whilst in labour it really takes a lot to make me embarrised these days!

anyway as per I spent a good hour with the strimmer down south trying to make it as presentable as possible ready for the big unveil. After a good tidy up in my underpants fresh pants and a litte spray of perfume down below (We all do it!!) off I popped to go and get my fancy checked.

I get in the room and we sit and have a chat about what’s going to happen and the nurse is being so caring and trying not to make me feel embarrised but I’m just like nah nothing phases me anymore I’ve had half of Oxfordshire looking up my fanny hole one more isn’t going to do anything.

So ofcorse I strip to the waste behind a curtain then I’m told to lay on the table and put some blue paper over myself. God knows why I mean she’s going to be looking up my Wookey hole what’s the blue paper going to cover? Anyway I do as I’m told and lay there legs wide open catching a draft when all of a sudden… yep it’s in, it’s cold, it’s a little uncomfortable. The second I start to wish this would be over it is. Just like that!! And honestly that’s the gods honest truth. No less than 3 minuets after I am packing my fanny and my dignity back into my pants and get dressed. See what’s all the fuss about? Ofcorse I know for most women it is going to be hugely embarrising but what’s the alternative? I know I’d rather have a cold test tube shoved up my fluff than have cancer. And that sounds dramatic but that’s the truth of it. And I truly believe that YOU can do this. You are strong badass mother fucker who can conquer a smear test.

This is the part where I’m going to put the funny stuff to one side and ask any women reading this who is to scared or embarrised or who just doesn’t want to go, to PLEASE reach out to me. Take my hand and together we will go and get your test done. Because cancer isn’t a joke, and it’s certainly not picky about who it chooses. If there was a cure for cancer you’d take it right? So why wouldn’t you go and get a test done that could possibly save your life? Who the fuck cares if you’ve got a hairy growler. Who cares if it’s an odd shape or if you think it’s not pleasant to look at it. theve seen it all before and worse!

I’d like to end this post with some facts about cervical cancer. Did you know that 3,000 women in the uk are affected by cervical cancer in a year. A YEAR!

Did you know that 75% of cervical cancers can be prevented by cervical screening?

And finally 2 women in the uk lose their life to cervical cancer every day.

So ladies be brave and get your fanny checked!!

Z

Xxx

As it’s recently been mental health awareness day I thought I’d just do a little post about about something that’s close to my heart. And that’s the medication I take.

I’ve never really spoken about this before with you guys because it’s not really something I shout from the roof tops because I’m a private kinda person when it comes to this stuff.

So what is quetiapine?

Quetiapine is an antipsychotic medicine used to treat a number of conditions such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. After a number of years on all sorts of antidepressants that really did me no good and after a particularly very bad episode which lead to my diagnosis of bipolar 2 i was put onto this medicine.

The very first night I took this medicine I will never forget because I’d had the worst relapse of my insominia I’d been awake 48 hours and my body was on the brink of shutting down. After taking this pill for the first time combined with no sleep I started to hallucinate. I remember my bedroom was full of flashing lights and not long after that I managed to fall asleep.

I don’t remember exactly how long it took for this medicine to kick in proporley but what I can tell you is it saved my life. After months of self harming and doing other silly things I shouldn’t have done my life was litlerry in the balance and I had to make a choice about which path I was going to take.

So I chose the quetiapine path. And in all honestly I haven’t looked back since! that medicine saved my life in more than one way. I feel like I can control myself now. I feel like I am my own person rather then some little person In my head dominating me. My moods are so much better and I really am a changed person.

I continued to take it during my pregnancy because I just can’t handle coming off it. Tried once and failed miserably. Hallucinating and all sorts I ended up overdosing accidentally on purpose because I was so despiriate to sleep. Luckily I had spoken about this with the doctors Before I even got pregnant and they assured me that it is a very safe medication to take whilst pregnant so we decided I would stay on it during pregnancy. As a result of this Rex did have to be monitored for 3 days in hospital before we could go home but he was absolutly fine.

I’ve had my blips since giving birth. I think I would be lying if I said I’ve been absolutly fine but what mother doesn’t struggle after having a baby? My medication helps keep me stable and for now I have zero plans to ever stop taking it. Because I’m a quetiapine Queen!

Z

Xxx

This years holiday wasn’t really what we’d planned for obsivious reasons! But we’re going away so that’s all that mattered. After 2 long months back at work and on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown I really needed this break away.

So bags packed and car full to bursting off we set for Weymouth 2020! We barely made it out of Swindon when 3 fully grown dears ran out infront of the car and almost sent us plumimiting into the side of the road. Rex was an absolute dream on the way down espically as we got caught in traffic and ended up adding an extra hour onto our journey which resulted in me having an emergency stop in a lay by for a very big wee that I couldn’t hold in any longer. Sorry for anyone who had to witness me squatting in the bushes! Honestly since having Rex I’ve got a bladder the size of a teabag. Anyway wee finshed quick shake and off we went.

My parents beat us down by about 20 minutes. I guess they have better bladders than me! We couldn’t check in until a bit later so we had a stroll into Weymouth had a quick nosy around the shops then headed for the beach!! To small to remember last years holiday Rex was absolutly loving the sand! Maybe a bit to much as he shoveld handfuls of the stuff in his gob. *eye rolls* only my child! Anyway he had an absolute blast! He dived head first into the sea he dug holes and played to his hearts content. And ofcorse my mum spoiled him to any bucket and spade and toys he wanted so he was well away!

So after playing on the beach we went to check into our room. I’ve stayed in lots of premier inns before all over the country and never had a problem. Who puts a family with a baby up 4 flights of stairs when there’s no lift? Yes you can imagine the fun we had lifting the buggy up and down every day. The room was fine Rex had a travel cot which was basic and we had a big double bed. We’d been there less then 5 minuets when Rex threw the Tv remote down the loo so I just knew this was going to be a great start to the holiday.

That night we ate in the hotel pub witch again was fine I had my absolute favourite Cesar salad. Rex somehow found his voice and started saying “HIYA” over and over again getting louder and louder so the whole place could hear. He had us in hysterics. I slept like absolute shit that night due to my ongoing lower back pain whenever I lay down so I was so tried the following day. Breakfast was an absolute farse mine was stone cold I suspect the chef probabley gobbed in my fresh breakfast after I kicked up a drink a small sent it back. Again we didn’t really do much except go round the shops and hit the beach. Rex had a lovely big nap on the beach so I had a chance to just chill out and sunbathe and not have to worry about chasing after him. Then me and mum went for a stroll to our favourite cake shop which we always visit when in Weymouth. We stayed on the beach for quite a few hours and I even managed a very refreshing swim in the sea. Then we headed back to get bathed and try to de-sand ourselves. Once again we walked back into Weymouth for some drum roll…..

FISH AND CHIPS ON THE SEAFRONT. Did you even go on holiday if you didn’t have fish n chips? Besides trying to dodge the begging seagulls it was absolutely lovely. Another fond favourite for me is the arcades! So me and mum went in and had some fun on the 2p machines whilst the men waited outside. Then it was time to go home and get ready for going home tomorrow.

We walked about 8 miles in total that day I couldn’t wait to get into that bed. Monday morning came so we packed up the car and drive into weymouth for some ice cream before we headed home. And that my friends is my write up of our very short family holiday this year. I wash it could have been longer but unfortunately that was not possible. We had a blast this weekend and that’s all that mattered.

Until next year 👋🏻👋🏻

Z

Xxx

Kids are just hillarious aren’t they? I mean they just enjoy the most simplest things in life. Like playing with a hairbrush or playing peekaboo for the 90th time that day. Running round with a bowl on Their head or waving a spatula about. Life is there to be enjoyed when you are that wee and my don’t they make the most of it? Unfortunately Along the way comes some bumps bruises and scrapes.

The tale of the blueberry bum is something that dismayed me to begin with. Horrified me even. Who knew that could turn into spontaneous laughter every time I think of the blueberry bum!! I know what you must be thinking. What the heck is a blueberry bum? No I haven’t gone mad not yet anyway!

Right so the situation at the moment is as I am back to work and the hubby is still furloughed he has become a stay at home dad. And he’s doing a marvellous job if I do say so myself. ( not counting the sheer devistation I endure when I see the mess Theve made after a long day at work) but hey if they are having fun then I don’t mind a little bit of tidying up when I get home.

Anyway so today I was missing my baby boy terribly so I asked for a picture from the hub. Not surprisingly he was butt naked letting it all hang out. Hey what ever makes him happy!! But as I looked closer I could see this mark on his bum. I was like how the fuck has he got a bruise that size on his bum?! I was angered and worried it was very purple and looked very sore! Challenging hubby to find out what the heck was going on I was in absolute hysterics at the reply to the message!!

Alas the blueberry bum was born! I think I laughed for about half an hour after that message it proper tickled me!!

Anyway a while later I thought we better get the boy clean so we had a bath but the blueberry wasn’t washing off. Holy shit false alarm! it really is a bruise!! I feel terrible I can only think he’s maybe sat on something or fallen down on his little peachy little ass and bruised the poor wee thing. I think it’s bothering me more than it is him! To be honest I don’t think he’s even noticed it.

Anyway I just had to tell this story because it really did make me chuckle today. I’m sure you all have some stories to tell of love to hear them just drop them below in the comments box.

Thanks guys!

Z

Xxx

Who knew that cute little son of mine was actually a mini Satan in disguise. Running around with his little red horns and spikey tail taking out anything in his path. I can’t be the only one whose house goes from perfection to natural disaster in 0.4 seconds?

The term wrecking ball is putting it lightly to describe the sheer devistation a toddler on a mission can accomplish. And the small ones are the worst because they can play the “I’m pretending I don’t understand the word no” when in actual fact they KNOW exactly what they are doing wrong. They just choose to raid the kitchen cupboards and walk around the house carrying a frying pan because it’s dam fun ok!

If your not quite at THAT stage yet where you’re child will grab everything in site and throw it on the floor then your in for a real treat. Expect to find the most unexpected items lurking around on your floor when you’re child gets to this stage. If a day goes by where I don’t trip over on a hairbrush or Cereal bowl then I wonder what the hell my child has been up to all day. If I can see the carpet at any time I have to stop and check he’s still here!!

Guests who come to my house look at me thinking does this women never tidy!? Listen up sister il be dammed if I’m running around after his tiny ass all day collecting all the random shit he chooses to play with and most of the time break because who needs a tv in the living room anyway? It’s way more fun to hit the screen and damage the inside. Mummy and daddy can afford to buy a new one. Kindly vacate the building Rex ( Thats my polite way of saying F**k Off. ) just a heads up to anyone coming round to watch the telly until further notice there will be a big black line up the middle of the screen. Thanks mini Satan for that one!! And if you happen to trod on anything upon entry please just leave it there where you found it and it will be tidied away later.

Please take no notice of the damage done to the interiors of my house. We’ve had the stair gate ripped from the wall. Cuboard doors yanked from their hinges and basically anything Rex height has either been damaged ripped apart or stained. Who needs a clean house anyway 🤷‍♀️. Oh we have a new fun game to play in this house. It’s called put your hands down the toilet and splash in the water. *eye rolls* all toilet doors are now locked until further notice. Please have a piss before you come round until told otherwise.

So there we have it. Our house has basically been transformed into a party house. We’ve got babys lining up to get in and take turns trashing the joint. It’s all in a days work!

Z

Xxx

My baby is 1 ! bloody 1. how the hell did that happen?! It only seems yesterday he was dragged kicking and screaming out of my fanny with a pair of forceps the Size of tennis rackets. And boy don’t I know it. But today is not about me it’s about my very handsome funny little fellow and his birthday.

And here we are a year later about to celebrate my beautiful boys birthday and no bastard lock down is going to ruin that! I’ve been preparing for this day ever since I found out I was pregnant. We all want to spoil our kids and give them the best memories we can!

So a few months ago I started buying decorations and bits and peices ready for Rexs big day. I don’t know who’s more excited me or Rex! Banners balloons and hats. We’ve got it all.

So our plans are as follows- a family day at the cotswold wild life park followed by a birthday tea in the garden with a few friends. Then the bastard weather forecast said rain all week and compleatly tipped my anixety over the edge worrying it was going to ruin Rexs birthday.

So we carried on planning as normal and the night before his birthday we decorated the garden. Meanwhile some stupid twat (Me) decided it would be a good idea to make a balloon arch for the party. If you arnt familiar with what ballon arches are then let me enlighten you with the total and utter ball ache of how to make one. My first bit of advice would be don’t bloody bother. But If you are hell bent on having one then I suggest you get started now because they take time to make!!

Firstly you need to order a balloon arch base which is basically a plastic tape with loads of holes in. Then all you need to do is thread the ballons through the holes. Easy right? WRONG!! You have to tie each individual balloon on …by hand. An hour and a half in, sore fingers and just about to lose my rag I decided I couldn’t give up now so I powered through. Credit to Mr M who blew the majority of them up all by himself without the use of the pump.

3 BLOODY HOURS LATER my fingers in tatters and my paitience just about at breaking point I had finshed!! It took up my whole living room and took 2 of us to relocate it into the kitchen where it would be staying until the morning. Pretty proud of my effort I went to bed with a big smile on my face looking forward to the pending birthday party the following day.

02/07/2020 HAPPY BIRTHDAY REX

Up at the crack of dawn present opening. I have to hand it to the boy he knows how to tear those presents to shreds! So many clothes and toys and bubbles!! Spoilt rotten as expected we had some quick breakfast and headed off to cotswold wildlife park where we had a fantastic day seeing all the animals and pretty flowers.

Absolutly exhausted from all the excitement we headed home ready to party!! Quick nap and shower and off we go getting all the decorations up on the garden. Just as everyone is arriving it starts absolutly hammering it down with rain and I’m not going to lie I just wanted to sob. Rexs birthday was going to be ruined. I couldn’t have everybody in my house because of that cunt corona virus so we very quickly manged to get 2 gazebos up in the garden for people to shelter under. Just as we’ve frantically finished getting them up it stops raining and the sun comes out! YAY!!

We had a great birthday tea party surrounded by what little People we were allowed the kids played and we had party food and cake and it was honestly the most perfect first birthday.

I just want to thank everybody who made Rexs first birthday extra special 💙

Z

Xxx

Motherhood really couldn’t be any less glam if it tried. Picking bogies here, wiping arses there, and if you haven’t had to scrape shit from under your finger nails atleast once then you are deffo telling porkie pies!

Don’t even get me started on the meal times. If you haven’t come out with spaghetti in your hair and yogurt up your nose then meal times are far to easy for you! Talk about messy! Handfuls of food just flung across my kitchen, handprints up the walls and smudges on windows. Dried up crisps found weeks later in places I never even knew I had and crumbs galore on every floor of my house.

In our house it’s a race against Rex to stop him getting at something. Coke cans, cups of tea, plates of food ect ect. I’ve perfected the mad dash across the room whilst shouting NOOOOOOOOO!! At the top of my voice trying to intercept those grubby little hands doing any more damage to my house. We’ve already had the one incident involving a bowl of coco pops which ended up scattered all over my living room carpet. Mummy was not happy that day! Thankfully my hoover Henry enjoys Rexs discarded crap he leaves on the floor.

As mums we pay the ultimate price for having a wee one in tow. I can’t remember the last time I went out of the house with clean clothes on! What’s the fucking point? I get dressed and that’s the red flag to my unruly child to sabotage my nice clean clothes. I brush my hair for it to just get pulled and messed up. My shoe laces get pulled from my shoes, my handbag ransacked and my socks hidden.

But the icing on the cake for this little peice about being a “glam mum” is toilet time! Oh yes ladies you know what I’m on about! Show of hands who can remember the last time they had a shit ALONE?! Because let me tell you it don’t happen in my house! I have little hands pulling at my pants, reaching across me mid poo to grab the toilet roll, crawling around between my legs. I mean for Christ sake does this kid want me to shit on his head?

Motherhood is not glamorous but WE ARE GLAMEROUS. Us … as mums, we fucking rock. We show up every day covered in god knows what and get on with it. We look like shit and dress like hobos and still we absolute boss being a mummy!

So let’s raise a glass to mums. Each and every one of you who are doing a fantastic job! Don’t ever stop being you!!

Z

Xxx

It’s been a while since I’ve written about anything to do with pregnancy so I thought I’d do a little something on epidurals for any of those expectant mothers who aren’t quite sure what they want to do regarding pain relief.

The second I found out I was pregnant all I could think about is how much this is going to hurt getting this baby out of me. I always said I wanted an epidural even without doing zero research about how it works, what it feels like and the side affects. So I thought I’d put together a little something just for mums to be to have a read about what an epidural is really all about.

Before I begin on my story I’d like to give you some idea what an epidural actually is. So here goes. An epidural is an anaesthetic injected into the bottom of the spine to stop pain.

A drip will be placed in your arm so you can be given fluids while you’re having the epidural.You’ll be asked to sit down and lean forwards, or lie on your side with your knees up close your chest. You’ll be given an injection of anethasic to numb the skin where the epidural will be inserted. A needle is used to insert a fine plastic tube called an epidural catheter into your back (spine) near the nerves that carry pain messages to your brain.The needle is then removed, leaving just the catheter in your spine.You may feel mild discomfort when the epidural needle is positioned and the catheter is inserted.

Pain relief medicines are then given through the catheter. These take about 20 to 30 minutes to take full effect.

Your chest, tummy and legs may feel numb while the epidural medicines are being used, and your legs may not feel as strong as usual.

While the catheter remains in your back, it can be used to top up your pain relief medicines manually or using an automatic pump.

Please if your a pregnant women and are frightened or anxious please don’t read this next part!!

For those women who manage to birth a child without an epidural I applaud you, I really do It takes a strong women to push a water melon out of a pin hole with no pain relief. Believe me I gave it my best shot. But that just wasn’t good enough and I’d just given up and tapped out around 3 hours after contractions began.

I was very fortunate enough to be having my baby at one of the best hospitals in the country, the John Radcliffe hospital in oxford where the midwives and doctors went above and beyond to look after me. I’d already had it in my head that I maybe wanted an epidural so what they did was get a doctor out to me before it all got to messy and painful to explain what would actually happen blah blah and the side affects.

From my memory There’s not really much to report except I remember the doctor telling me a rare side affect is prolonged lower back pain but not to worry as it’s unlikely to happen. Well fuck me with a feather I’m one of “those” rare ones who now has lower back pain almost every single night I’m in bed. I’m really starting to wonder weather that needle in the back was worth this dull ache I get every single fucking day.

Anyway back to the delivery room…

If I could describe a contraction in one word it would probably be the worst fucking pain I’ve ever had in my whole life. Okay that’s 7 words but it bloody hurt!! If Jesus had a stick I’m sure he’d shove it up my arse just to make things worse. By the 3 hour mark I’d had enough I’m hysterically crying screming and shouting it’s like a scene from the Texas chain saw massacre. I mean the gas and air is pretty good but nothing was beating this pain. I’m screming at them to get me an epidural.

So in they pop and by this time I’m high on gas and air and I really don’t have a clue what’s gong on I just remember being in so much pain and not being able to see because I was crying so hard.

Anyway they put this really cold antiseptic stuff all over my back and it was bloody freezing. I’m told to sit on the bed and bend forward like a prawn (as you do) After that I don’t really know what was happening because between contractions and them continually stabbing me with a needle I had No Idea what was going on. Now I’m not going to lie it really bloody hurt when they finally got the needle in my spine, and I mean IT REALLY HURT. That badly that I just couldn’t control my crying and screming. All in all it took about 20 minuets to get in my spine.

After all that… 5 minuets later I was sat up in bed compleatly numb from the waste down watching only fools and horses on the iPad. It honestly works that quick. The relief was just amazing. The down side was I now had to have a tube fitted up my fanny cause I can no longer control my bladder. Which ofcorse is just icing on the cake isn’t it!

I mean In Heinz sight thank god I had that epidural because after an 18 hour labour I never would have coped without one! Unluckily for me I’m left with lower back pain on a daily basis. I’ve been advised to do stretches and yoga to help. Weill see what happens.

So should you have an epidural? My advice is don’t plan and wait and see what happens.

There’s one thing I really dont regret about my labour and that’s getting that epidural!

Happy birthing!!

Z

Xxx

Basically I thought I needed to start doing some excersise again as I’ve gotten such a fatty. So I thought I’d give my old friend running a bell. And as it turns out I’ve still got it in me to pound a few pavements even with dragging that extra 2 stone behind me.

Don’t get me wrong I’m far from the fitness level I used to be and my body is no temple anymore, I’ve got flabby bits flowing in the wind and bulgy bits bubbling over, stretch marks up to my ears and and legs the size of a couple of whales slapping togeather like their trying to catch fish. Heck I don’t care anymore you all know me by now, you know there’s not much I don’t get embarrassed about.

So after weeks of trying to even get out the front door and do something about this fatty mess I call my body I finally managed to get back into running. Just between you me and gate post I’ve actually signed up to run the oxford half marathon 2020. It probabley won’t be going ahead now for obsivious reasons. But I entered and I got in. Let’s leave it at that for now because what’s about to come is brutal.

Laced up and off I trot on my first run in a long time. Fuck me am I really out of touch after 2 minutes my legs felt like they were on fire! And I don’t mean sexy on fire I mean fucking chop my legs off and kill me now on fire. Jesus Christ I swear child birth wasn’t even this painful. After getting all stressy with myself I decided to walk for a bit. Anyway to cut a long story short I couldn’t fucking do it so I got in a strop and went home. The end.

After a lot of huffing and puffing and getting angry that I’m to fat and can’t do it and everything else off I went again. Now I’ve got a really good app called MapMyRun for anyone who wants to know. It tracks my distance, my time and even shows a map of where I’ve been it’s pretty swish!

So off I went. It wasn’t the most pleasant experience I’ve ever had BUT it was better then the day before. That’s a result right? I must be doing something right. So I manged a mile and I felt pretty bloody good.

A couple of days later I had planned a longer run. I wasn’t exactly sure how far I wanted to go so I just went and hoped for the best. First mile was a right sack of shit, I was so close to giving up and going home again. Then all of a sudden something came over me and I just ran and ran and ran and ran. I was going for it! Music blaring legs like jelly watch out Forrest there’s a new girl in town!

Mile 1 passed, mile 2 and I couldn’t believe I was still going. I was bright red hot sweaty hair like a homeless person on crack but bugger me I was doing it I was really running! If there was ever a time for my fanny to fall to pieces now would be the time! I managed to make it home just in time for the app to tell me I’d done 3 miles. 3 bloody miles! Even more importantly I made it home with my fanny in tact and my legs semi usable (if you don’t count going up the stairs) .HURRAH.

I’ve never been so proud of myself. Since that day I’ve done a number of runs some good some not so good. The trick is to never give up. Never be disappointed in what you can’t do because there’s always another day. So I’m taking this opportunity now to run every other day. And hopefully lose this extra weight I’ve been carrying since having a baby. If you don’t mind I will update you regularly on what’s happening. How I’m going if my time has improved and weather or not my fanny has fallen out.

In the meantime if you see a pink haired sweaty hobo running along the A40 please give me a cheer!!

Z

Xxx