Hi there. We’ve not spoken in a while. I’d really love to say that’s because I’ve Been busy but we all know that’s not true! What the fuck happend form writing my last post till now? The world is basically ending and us mums still have to keep our shit together and pretend that life is a funfair.

Who knew 2020 was going to be the year people went bonkers over loo roll! Thank fuck for all the spare socks we have! Hahah I’m joking!!! Or am I? That’s a story for another day for the moment I’m wiping my arse on all the dried pasta that’s left on the shelves. *eye rolls* fuckers don’t even leave me any lasagna sheets to do the deed of darkness.Seriously though If you are a loo roll stock piling wanker please leave some for the rest of us my arse is like sandpaper and I’m running out of lasagne sheets.

Well as you can see my first week back at work went to shit. You really couldn’t write it. I must have missed the memo on my calendar about this sodding virus. In all seriousness this shit is scary!! We’ve gone from hearaing about some virus in China to basically having our country locked down and only being allowed out for essientials. Thousands of people are dying and many more are ill it’s all we hear about in the news all day every day. I really hope we as a country and heck the world can get through this together as one.

So what’s up? Well for those who don’t know my gramp sadly passed away 3 weeks ago. I won’t say to much about it as I know my Nan is a pretty private person. Sadly his funeral was on Monday. The day before lockdown. It’s sucked big fat peanuts! The service and wake were cancelled due to this twatting virus, so all we had was the cremation then we had to leave an go home. My heart broke for him. BUT we are giving him a proper send off once all this crap has buggered off.

So yeah my start to the week couldn’t really have got much worse. Something inside me knew that we would be in lockdown so I rushed into the pound shop to buy some bits and peices to do like colouring books garden games and stuff. The the dreaded news came. NEVER did I even imagine we would be living in a world where we are only allowed out for 1 walk a day. People doing their shopping with masks and gloves on and staying 2 meters apart from everyone. None of us being able to see our families or even being able to buy the basic shopping we need. All the hotels and pubs closed down and us all off work for god knows how long. It’s scary and this will deffo be going down in the history books.

I’d like to say I’ve enjoyed being at home but that would be a big fat lie. I’m bored shitless, Rex is bored of being sat at home with me and I have litte crys daily wondering how long this is going to go on for. If that wasn’t enough Rex is porley. He’s got a cough and cold and an infection in his eye which has cleared up pretty quickly.

Finally after a week Mr M finally got the news that he’s going to be off till the near future to. Which I’m so glad about finally I have someone to talk to!! Up until now it’s just been me and good old TikTok getting me through the day. Oh you haven’t seen my videos have you? Haha below are some of the things we’ve been getting up to

Me and Rex have had some garden fun today. His first time out in the garden and ofcorse all he wanted to play with was the stones and the weeds. Who needs toys when you have weeds!! Our priority is now sorting out the garden so we can enjoy some family time out there.

And really that’s all I’ve got to say about this situation. I hope you guys are all having fun and staying safe!

Z

Xxx

I actually cannot believe how quick this has come round. So many people warned me how quick my maternity leave would go and I was just like yeah yeah whatever. Now it’s almost 8 months in and I’m going back to work full time. (Crys hysterically)

It’s no secret that I went back last September because I had stupidly blown all my savings and needed some money. So since last September I’ve been doing the odd shift here and there to make some cash. Gradually doing a few more days here and there to try and ease myself in gently before I do go back full time.

Now the time has finally come and in 2 weeks time I will officially be back into full time work. I’ve had a lot of anixety and sleepless nights over this as my employer recently changed and I genuinely didn’t know if I was going to have a job to go back to. Fear not I do still have a job (thank god) and my anixety about the whole thing has really calmed down. The secret to any success is to PLAN PLAN PLAN. I’ve written endless mock Rotas of what I think I’m going to beable to do, I’ve arranged nursery (crys a little bit more) so we are raring to go!

My “plan” (basically some made up stuff in my head that helps keep me sane) is to work as much as I can to provide for my family whilst also putting them first and being there for them which is what I intend to do. My return to work is in 4 weeks time and how am I managing to keep it all together? PREPERATION! For someone like me who will sit on a problem and panic like fuck about it until I make myself ill so preperation really is key to success. How am I preparing to go back to work let me show you…

— DONT WORRY, I spent weeks really dwelling on the fact I would have to leave my baby to go back to work. I’d stay up late at night crying about it, thinking about really stupid shit like will he forget me? Will he hate me for leaving him? Ofcorse now I know that’s all bullshit and worrying really gets you nowhere.

—PLANNING. It might not work for everyone but for someone like me who freaks out over a change of routine I have to plan everything. From what hours I’m going to be working to who will be looking after Rex and not forgetting to save money to play for child care. Because that shits not cheap! If it helps get a note book, sit down with a cuppa tea and plan, jot things down and make notes and ideas of how you’re going to achieve going back to work trust me it really helps.

—GROW SOME BALLS. This might not apply to everyone. Unfortunately for me I have had to grow a set pretty quickly. I’ve spent my whole working career as a chef bending over backwards to please my employer, doing 12 hour shifts, 7 day weeks and never saying no to anything that is asked of me. All of a sudden I have a little person now that I have to put first. As frightening as it is I’ve had to be firm and say “hey my baby comes first” no more 12 hour days, no more 70 hour weeks. If my boy is porley and I need to go then I’m going. For me that is something I am struggling to put into action because I hate to be “that person” but needs must, my child comes first over any job from now on.

—CHILDCARE. When I got pregnant I never even thought about what I’d do about childcare it’s only this last month really that I’ve had to think about it. I am very lucky that my mum gets quite a bit of time off in her job so that’s 2 days a week sorted already. Yay for mums! I’ve done a lot of research about what childcare options are available to us and we’ve opted for a nursery for Rex 2 days a week and he officially starts in 2 weeks! A little tip for anyone on maternity- start saving up Early for child care because at £60 a day your going to need some savings under your belt.

—TURN NEGATIVES INTO POSITIVES I’ve had a lot of meltdowns over all the issues surrounding going back to work and the only one that has really made me feel ok about it is turning the negatives into positives. If like me you feel guilty for going back to work then then that into a positive. We as mums go back to work to earn money to support our family and to pay for all the days out, birthday and Christmas presents if we didn’t have work we wouldn’t have all that.

And that really is my guide to preparing for work. There really is no guide book on what to do and when you choose to go back. I just beg any mum who is reading this not to feel guilty or sad about returning to work. Turn that negative into a positive and go and be a working mum!

Z

Xxx

Luckily for you my loyal readers who keep coming back for more tales of my crazy life I’ve not treated you to any stories about my magical healing vagina for quite some time. Well I’ve got a treat in store for you guys so sit down get comfy and be prepared to laugh cry and cringe all together as I share my story of a situation that I found myself in yesterday!!

So for those of you who don’t know basically after you’ve had a baby your fanny is stretched to shit and your lucky if your guts don’t spill out everytime you bend over. I can see you at the back cringing as you read this but you all know me by now I don’t sugar coat anything! It really is such a magical time! So not only is your usually tight vagina now flapping in the wind your bladder decideds it’s feeling left out and must join your other bodily functions and really fuck up your day on a daily basis.

Now they tell you in the hospital to do pelvic floor excersises for a good reason. A very good reason in fact shall I tell you what it is? SO YOU DONT PISS YOURSELF! And boy don’t you know it if you’ve been slacking on the old pelvic excersises.

For those of you who know me know that I don’t hold back on much so here’s my story of the “sneeze wee”

One upon a time I got pregnant had a baby and ruined my fanny. Thinking I knew better than the doctors advice I accidentally on purpose “forgot” to do my pelvic floor excersises. (Don’t do the same as me ladies I beg of you) many many months after ripping my vagina from ear to ear I experienced what only can be described as a sneeze wee! And as you can expect it does exactly what it says on the tin!

There I am at work bending down in the most vubarable position ever to experience what can only be described as the biggest fucking sneeze I’ve ever done in my entire life, knelt down with no give in my bladder what so ever… AHH CHOO!!

Spillage in aisle 3!! For a brief moment I thought I’d sneezed so hard I’d gone to heaven, only to be brought back down to earth with an almighty bang and huge wet patch in my underpants!! oh my fucking god I’ve actually just pissed myself, not only have I just pissed myself but I’ve done it AT WORK where I have no spare clothes or anywhere to hide my wet sorry ass until I could dry off. Oh god how the mighty have fallen. Running to the toilet to asses the situation and see how bad the damage was I could have cried. Pacing in the toilet trying to think what the fuck am I going to do? Can I sneak my pants in the tumble dryer? Can I just bin them and go commando and hope nobody sees my ass through the god awful transparent black leggings I decided to wear this morning ?!

What else could I do but carry on like I hadn’t just pissed my pants in the middle of a shift? and hope to god they dry off naturally and I don’t walk around smelling like a tramps chip paper. Never did I see the day where my 31 year old self would be hiding in the ladies loo crying over a pair of wet knickers. Needless to say I had no choice but to carry on like nothing had happend and run home at my given opportunity to change my pissy pants and forget this situation ever happend.

So in summery, pelvic floor excersises are literary a life and death situation don’t forget to do them!! If there’s a lesson to be learnt after all this id say NEVER bend down and sneeze at the same time because that’s just asking for trouble! And invest in some decent leggings not the cheap primark shite I wore on this fateful day.

Z

Xxx

I’m going to make this post short and sweet ..

I am really excited to be writing this because it’s exactly a year ago today that I started my blog! And what a year it’s been. I’ve been fat, pregnant, tired, and in labour. I’ve had mental breakdowns and laughed more than I ever have, I’ve cried myself to sleep and gained 2 stone in weight I’ve pissed myself and almost poo’d myself in the middle of Sainsbury’s. I’ve had tantrums and sleepless nights But the most important thing is I created the most Amazing little boy and every second of pain and upset has been worth it.

So let me take you back to last year February 2019. Id always wanted to write a blog that people could follow and read but I never had anything to write about. Then one day after a very long shitty hospital appointment I came home and hid under my bed covers and sobbed my heart out because they had made me feel so shitty about myself and my weight. I still hold a grudge now with chipping norton hospital for that.

Anyway I let myself be upset for a few hours then I thought fuck it, I’m not letting these fuckers get me down… I’m going to make a blog and tell everyone what it’s really like being pregnant. And hell have I opened up to you guys! maybe a little bit to much sometimes (sorry not sorry) but hey what’s the point is trying to make something sound amazing when your really hiding the truth? I was so sick of reading online how other women make pregnancy look so glamorous and how it’s all perfect. Sorry to break it to you but even Celebrities are destined to experience the unplesenturies of pregnancy birth and motherhood.

Weirdly this blog has also helped me cope mentally with everything I’ve been through in the past year. Opening up to you guys and telling my stories really keeps me on the straight and narrow I get so much inspiration from other mums and things I see happening around me, writing my life down for you all to read makes me feel a little less alone and for that I Thank you. I get so much inspiration from every day happenings and that’s how I write my blog, as soon as something funny or embarrassing happens Rather than hiding out of sheer embarrassment I don’t dwell on it I go straight into blog writing mode to tell the world because hey who else do I have to tell when I almost crap myself in the middle of a supermarket except the whole internet? I really couldn’t of done it without you guys! All the amazing messages I’ve received is just so overwhelming and I can’t Thankyou all enough.

So there we have it. A whole year of writing I Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everybody’s support and all the time taken to read my material it really means a lot. I’ve got a couple of funny posts coming soon so don’t go anywhere and heres to another year of blogging!!

Z

Xxx

Firstly I’d like to apologise for being absent on the blog recently. Life’s been pretty hetic and writing the blog just slipped my mind. But lucky for you guys I’m back with some stories to tell!

I guess I can officially call Rex a toddler now! At 7 and a half months he’s crusing around like he Owns the gaff! The clever little sod mastered crawling at 5 months so by now we have (I think) baby proofed the house to the best of our ability. As always you “think” you’ve done everything possible to stop grubby little hands touching things they shouldn’t but they always seem to find a way! If he’s not pulling all the DVDs out of my cabinet he’s pulling all the cushions off my sofa. I call him the human tornado!

Is it just my baby or do all baby’s want everything they shouldn’t have? Rex was spoilt over Christmas with all the toys you could imagine from buzz lightyears to bricks and teddy’s, but no who needs toys when you can play with a old cheesy sock? Rex’s personal favourite is the tv remote. Where there’s a will there’s a way and he always finds a way to get hold of that remote no Matter how high up I hide it. Even more so when it’s something I really want to watch! This child knows what he wants in life and he’s not shy of going for it. Other Rexs favourites include- the bin, the hoover , shoes, boxes, clothes and the mop. what can I say he’s a complex fellow.

Mums of boys can vouch for me here… as soon as my little chap is naked what’s the first thing he does? Plays with his little willy. It’s like ooooo what’s this? I never get to see this I better grab it as much as I can now before mum puts my nappy back on! Oh the hours we spend laughing as he try’s to work out what’s the weird little thing between his legs it really is hilarious. Have you tried getting a nappy on a wriggling 7 month old who thinks it’s a game and just wants to get away. The only solution we’ve come up with it letting him hold something whilst we struggle to get him dressed.

As i said before we’ve mastered the art of crawling. Next on the agenda was pulling himself up on the furniture which really didn’t take long to master. The genius that he is can also walk along the furnature now to. Who knew it would be so much fun climbing up on the coffee table and trying to yank my curtains off the wall? I may be biast but I really think he is so forward with his development. I 100% think he will be walking before he turns 1!

As we all know toddlers love to put EVERYTHING in their mouths and my boy is no exception Christ you have to have eyes in the back of your head with this one. I can clean and tidy for hours and he will straight away sniff out something I’ve missed and put it straight in his gob. As we are talking about putting things in mouths let’s move onto food. So Rex is now on solids. It’s mainly fruit purée and other pouches I pick up in Aldi which are a really grate way to start the weening process. He loves a rusk. Approach those buggers with caution thou youl be washing rusk out the carpet for the next year!! I get baby crisps from Aldi which as essentially large wotsits and he loves them. We did try the little mini baby rice cakes but after one unfortunate Incident I won’t be buying those again. He managed to get one so soggy that he fitted the whole rice cake in his mouth and was gagging because he couldn’t get it out. It frightened me to death so we won’t be having those again. It’s really a case of trial and error with starting solids, one thing I will say Is you tend to waste quite abit of food whilst they decide what they do and don’t like. I may do a blog post at a later date all about starting solids so keep your eyes peeled for that.

All in all Rex is one very happy little chappy, nothing phases him, we’ve had numerous bumps on the head where he’s fell down but he gets straight back up and carries on, he’s very very happy and smiley and genuinely very easy to manage. He’s the light of my life and watching him grow is just the best experience of my life.

Z

Xxx

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So just incase you didn’t know Rex will be 6 months old next week. I know right! Time fly’s when you are sleep deprived and having fun!! Anyway my boy is actually very clever for his very little age. His CV of life is gaining some badass skills. This kid is going places!

He mastered sitting up around a month ago. Annoyingly he started siting up a week after we’d had a Christmas photoshoot done where we had to sit him up and quickly dash so the photographer could catch it. As you can imagine we’ve had a few bumped heads in the month of learning to sit up, luckily for Rex he is very robust and tends to dent the floor rather then injure himself. Making life a lot easier as I can leave him sat playing on the floor whilst I can get some jobs done.

Have I told you he has teeth? Yes! 2 big white smashers right at the front. And don’t we know about it! The poor soul has really suffered with his toothy pegs. Now as we learn as parents we learn the knack of getting calpol in successfully with no major incidents. If you’re a parent to a teething baby youl know exactly what I’m talking about! Wham bam wipe it on the curtains no messing about in my household.

The most important thing is DRUMB ROLL today HE CRAWLED!! The moment we’ve all been waiting for! Weeks of shuffling around on his bum like a retarded chimpanzee trying his best at crawling but not quite getting it. After weeks of wanting to get at our Christmas tree today all his dreams came true when he decided he was going to crawl over and yank the fucker right over on himself!

That will teach mummy and daddy for taking their eyes off him for a second to celebrate the momentous occasion of him being mobile. Something tells me this is just the start of things to come. Suddenly all the things in my house have been moved to higher ground for its own safety. Once the menace that is Rex gets his grubby hands on my stuff it will never be seen in one peice Again!!

Today the stair gate went up and I’m about to order some plug covers and cupboard clips. Baby proofing the house is our priority this weekend.

As we are very pleased and proud of his achievement today we are on full alert at all times now ready should he pounce on something he shouldn’t!! At 5 months old and already crawling I think this is a sign of things to come for my very clever little dinosaur. Watch this space!

Z

Xxx

It’s New Year’s Eve 2019. Rather then going out and getting smashed I’m at home trying everything possible to get my baby to poo. The pour wee soul has had extreme constipation since Christmas Day which was almost a week ago!!

To bring you up to speed with what’s been happening. My boy sometimes suffers with abit of constipation every now and again which is more annoying than anything it doesn’t really bother him most of the time.

Except for right now he’s having a hella time with his bottom habbits! It all started one week ago on Christmas Day where he had an almighty explosion and us not knowing this would be his last deposit for almost a week. If only we knew what lay ahead for us over the next 7 days!

A week of his poor wee tummy giving him so much pain, trying his best to shift that shit and getting nowhere fast. Ofcorse we tried everything possible to get that poo moving in the right direction lots of hard work with zero results. Supposedly cooled boiled water is the thing that gets that poo popping, water wasn’t on our side during the shitting saga. We already had some medicine from a previous bout of constipation he endured a few weeks ago. Even that didn’t work. Carrying on with advice we’d been given by so many diffrent people and still that shit would not budge.

4-5 days in and things were getting pretty desperate, he’s completely off his milk. At his worst he only had half a bottle in 24 hours! There’s one thing I can say I’d never thought I’d be doing was late night massaging of my baby’s tummy trying to dam hardest to get him to poop!! Poor Rex was in so much pain and discomfort he’d be up all night screming and wincing my heart broke for him. Me and Mr M completely exhausted, me on the verge of a nervous breakdown so sleep deprived and sobbing at every given opportunity it’s so hard to feel like this when I know it’s not his fault and he’s the one suffering. I really thought we weren’t going to survive this week.

By day 6 I’d decided enough was enough and I had a telephone call with the doctor who prescribed some stronger medicine to help get things moving. I really didn’t have much hope that anything was going to work. I had visions of him having to have some kind of procedure to get all the poo out. Or me having to stick my finder up his bum hole !

So the new medicine we have to try and syringe into his mouth twice a day. Hardest thing to do ever! Half of it ends up on the carpet so you can imagine what a delight this is trying to get it into him twice a day.

Anyway I HAVE NEWS…. finally 8 days in and that almighty shit has been shifted! That’s right we’ve pooed! Total elation in our household. Party banners and the lot came out to celebrate Rexs bowel movements. Finally he’s in no more pain no more screaming all day and night and I might beable to get some sleep at night!

Well done Rex for shifting that shit

Z

Xxx