The Z word

Category: mental health

  • Boobie VS bottle

    Before I start this post I’d like to let you know that this post is about breast feeding and will contain pictures of me breast feeding so if you don’t want to see that I suggest you stop reading now…

    I’m not afraid to say that I’ve always been a bit creeped out by breast feeding. To quote Rachel green “it’s juice squeezed from a person” so I’d already decided whilst I was pregnant i was going to bottle feed so we bought all the bits we needed to beable to do that.

    Then things took abit of a turn for me. It was mine and Rivers second night in hospital and we were having a really nice cuddle as you do and she kept going for my breast. So I thought heck what do I have to lose so I whopped it out and she started feeding straight away. And it felt like the most natural thing in the world we sat there for a good 40 or so minutes and it was a moment I will never forget it felt so special and I was quite proud of myself.

    Rivers first feed 💕

    And so i carried on when I could as-well as giving formula so I guess I’m officially mixed feeding. River latched on so well and would feed for a good hour at a time. For personal reasons I felt I couldn’t exclusively breast feed so I mainly did a few small feeds during the day and always one big one right before she’d go to bed and that was my favourite feed of the day. Me and her snuggled up together in bed having a feed. Gosh I was so proud of myself. To go from 100% not wanting to breast feed to now enjoying it and being proud of myself is something i never thought id say.

    On returning home I did find it a little more difficult to find the time to breast feed as having a 4 year old to run around after and a house to clean and tidy I struggled but ploughed through but the feeds did get less and less. The midwives did keep warning me that if I didn’t feed more my milk supply would dry up but I just couldn’t do anymore than I was already doing.

    This picture speaks a thousand words.

    Coming up to week 3 of River being born and I started to feel abit achey and get a sore throat but I just thought it was a cold coming. Anyway the following day oh my gosh I was in agony. My throat was so swollen I couldn’t swallow anything not even a tablet I had to crush them up in a cup of tea to get them down me. My ears were so fucking painful and I was going hot and cold something terrible. Oh god I’ve only got the bloody flu haven’t I!! How the heck am I going to look after 2 kids with the flu!! Anyway on discharge from the hospital you get given a form of symptoms such a bleeding heavily, vomiting and flu like symptoms ect ect and if you experience any of these in the first 12 weeks of going home to call the maternity unit. So I did. But they agreed it just sounded like the flu. Anyway that night was absolutly horrendous! I was going hot and cold all night long I was sweating that much my bed sheets were soaked and I had to take them off to wash. God I was rough. Then the next day I spotted some red blotches on one of my breasts and that to was also on the list of things to call in for. So again I called up and explained what was happening and this time they actually took me serious and told me to pack and over night bag and come in for some antibiotics as it looks like I’ve got an infection in my breast (Mastitas) now your probably wondering why I’m telling you about the flu when this is a story about breast feeding. Well if you develop mastitas (The breast infection) the symptoms are just like the flu. Hot and cold sweats etc.

    So off we went up the JR to get seen it took forever shock horror and there was a poor women in the waiting area in Labour which wasn’t a nice thing to witness. Anyhow I got called into a room where I had some observations done blood pressure temperature and pulse plus a blood test to check for infection. Then a really lovely doctor came round eximaned my breasts and found that actually it wasn’t mastitis but it was in fact a blocked milk duct. But she wasn’t happy that that was the cause of my infection so I had to have an examination down below with a speculum she took some swabs and thinks I possibly have an infection in my womb or uterus. The good news is as long as my temperature doesn’t spike I can go home with antibiotics. Which is what ended up happening.

    The bad part of this story is that I’ve had to make the decision to stop breast feeding. I’ve been finding it very difficult to keep up with demand. And sadly I haven’t been feeding enough which is why I ended up getting a blocked duct. I’m so incredibly sad I can’t stop crying I feel such a failure I wanted to continue with it longer but I just can’t for my own mental and physical health I have to stop. I’m absolutely gutted to say the least but in the long run I know I’ve made the right decision. I realise the option to express was there but that really wasn’t for me plus by the time a breast pump had been delivered I don’t think I’d have any milk left. Lessons have been learned if there should be the opportunity for me to try breast feeding in the future.

    One day I will look back on this experience and realise how proud of myself I am for giving it a shot and who knows if baby number 3 comes along I might get a second shot at it. But for now I turn the page on my breast feeding story and say I tried.

    Z

    Xxx

  • Chuffing hell…

    Hello 36 weeks!!

    How are we here already? It only feels like yesterday I was sat on the loo pants round my ankles staring at that test with the 2 lines knowing my life was about to change forever.

    We’ve had a few bumps along the way it’s been a long old road this time but fear not we are finally nearing the end. After finishing work yesterday I feel pretty relaxed and ready to rest up.

    The first day of maternity leave is spent up the hospital again for my 36 week growth scan, if you’ve been following my journey from the start you’d know there’s been a few little hiccups happening. One of them being baby possibly not growing as she should so it’s meant extra checks and extra scans but thankfully I can tell you she’s absolutely perfect. And after todays result I can confirm she’s weighing in at 5lb 13!! She’s predicted to be a similar weight to Rex who was 7lb 8oz. Which is a massive sign of relief for my fanny knowing I’m not going to be forcing a 10 pounder out!

    But todays story isn’t over quite yet. Oh no. In true Zoe fashion there’s always got to be a little added drama thrown in for the thrill of it. So off I went up the hospital (On the bus) heavily pregnant like the sassy independent queen I am. I got there a tad early so went to drop off some hats that people have been knitting for the babies born here.

    To my suprise my appointment was running on time! This like NEVER happens. I had a really lovely lady so up I jumped on the bed, belly full of jelly and she starts scanning away. She can see the head, spine toes and everything inbetween! All looks great which I’m super happy about obviously!

    Now I told you nothing ever goes down without some form of drama and todays suprise sprung on me right at the last moment was going to be an INTERNAL scan. Oh fuck my life! I felt the life drain out of me when she said she needs to go diving in knees deep internally to get a good look at the placenta! I was SOOOOO not prepared for this to be happening today I mean abit of prior warning would have been nice but we will just go with it and see what happens. I mean I’ve not got round to shaving my chuff or anything yet! I thought I had a good few weeks before some poor soul had the pleasure of looking at my down stairs. And I’m pretty sure my legs ain’t seen a razor in a long while due to the fact that I can’t reach a fucking thing below my belly! So the sonographer was in for a real treat.

    So here we go get ready! in enters another nurse because they need to have a chaperone these days. Fucking Marvelous just what I clearly need ANOTHER person to witness this monstrosity! Deep breath, knickers down, feet up, legs wide open for the whole of Oxford to see and in she goes. Ummmm yeah somewhat mildly entertaining/ humiliating but hey I’ve got worse to come in a few short weeks! Lead on my back staring up at the celing tiles trying not to think about the massive probe thingey I’ve got shoved up my chuff I actually felt very vulnerable and tearful but then after a couple of minutes I realised hey I can write a blog about this and it will all be ok, that’s the power of writing you see, when you blog about difficult shit like this you feel that little bit less alone and it’s you guys I have to thank for getting me through situations like this one.

    After a good old rummage around up the cave of doom and she’s done and can confirm the placenta is in the right place! Phew! One less thing to worry about. Now to get my pants back on as quickly as possible and claw back any dignity I have left in this room before I have to shamelessly get the bus home again.

    Wiping the jelly off me and pulling my knickers up as fast as humanly possible I think I’ve managed to retain some dignity and make it back to the bus stop in one peice. The walk of shame to the bus stop if only everyone passing me knew what had just happend I’m quietly laughing in my head about it all.

    So that ladies and gentleman is it! My last scan before little lady enters the world. Ahhhh!! Someone please remind me to tidy up my lady area before the big event in a few weeks!

    Catch up soon.

    Z

    Xxx

  • Getting shitty

    I’m finally at that stage In pregnancy where pretty much my dignity and grace has gone out the window. They really should pre warn pregnant people how messy things can get at around 6 months. I know you’re dying to hear all about it so here goes…

    My it’s been windy lately, and I’m not talking about the weather here, more what’s been going on in my underpants I could win a Gold medal if burping and farting were an Olympic sport! And gosh have I left all my dignity at the door step.

    It all started one frightful evening. Actually it was just a normal evening at work. That was until I got half way home and suddenly felt that horrendous urge to shit myself, you know the one where the world is about to explode out of your backside and there’s absolutely sod all you can do about it!! God no this can’t be happening, I’m a 34 year old women walking home like some kind of chav trying my very hardest not to let shit litlerry fall from my arse. Luckily to my advantage it was pitch black so had the worst happend I doubt anybody would have seen, but as I’m walking I’m having to slow down because it’s there, you know… right there seconds from exploding and fucking hell I don’t know what to do, I start looking around for big leaves to wipe my sorry arse on incase the inevitable happens and I end up shitting on the pavement. Thoughts start flying around , christ if i actually do this I’m going to have to move towns, disown all my friends and start a new life where no bugger knows me. Scurrying home like some kind of disabled ferret i somehow by the grace of god made it home just in the nick of time before the whole world fell out of my arse, I’ve never felt so relieved in all my life.

    Now I really wish I could tell you that the above atrocities were a one time thing but unfortunately for me only a matter of weeks later something rather similar happend again. Except this time I was safety and the comfort of my own home, alone and getting very shitty! Now since my bump has been getting bigger the little madam inside me has been pushing all my organs up which makes it very uncomfortable to eat, sleep and basically be alive. I’ve had severe heartburn for days, and sickness. Then… it started again. That rumbling feeling deep inside my intestines, fuck. Sprinting to the bathroom with milliseconds to spare and when I say milliseconds I mean MILLISECONDS! My guts just fell out of me, I almost thought I’d given birth! That dreadful morning saw numerous very near misses dashing to the bathroom. Another day off work of corse I am not stepping outside my front door till I know I am 100% not going to shit my pants in public.

    And that my lovelies is the absolute pinnacle of being pregnant, lord help me get through the next 4 months without shitting anywhere but on a toilet!

    Z

    Xxx

  • Grief In pregnancy and the perinatal mental health team.

    I’ve kinda avoided writing this post just because it’s a hard topic to discuss but it’s also very important not just for me to talk about but to let others know they are not alone and that it’s ok not to be ok at one of the happiest times of your life. Can I just stress that I am absolutely okay now, I came through this the other side and ready to tell the story. So here goes…

    This baby was planned and wanted for well over a year, numerous failed attempts before we finally fell pregnant. During this time I was and still am grieving the loss of my little brother that will never go away. So when the test showed up positive it was instant happiness, finally something good not just for me but the whole family to look forward to. A new baby and a new start. The happiness didnt last long. A few weeks in I started to feel very down, about a lot of things, but mostly at the fact something good was happening and I was happy. Should I be happy? I guess I decided I shouldn’t be. Over the next few days my mood really dropped, I thought having a baby would solve everything, but the fact was it made me feel probably the worst I’ve ever felt in my whole entire life. And how could I tell anybody this? I couldn’t! At a time I should be filled with joy I’m feeling so depressed and lonely it went on for a few more days until this one particular day I couldn’t get dressed, I couldn’t play with Rex, i wasn’t showering or brushing my teeth and I just felt numb and lost and sad and to be quite frank I didn’t want to be alive anymore and that bloody scared me. With that came embarrassment shame and guilt for feeling this way when I was carrying a baby.

    There was absolutely nobody I could tell. Who the hell would understand I could be this low during one of the happiest times of my life. So I bit the bullet and phoned the GP surgery before it got worse it took a lot for me to do that. Anyway the receptionist was really snotty with me and asked if it was an emergency. Not being one to make a fuss I said well no but I do really need to talk to someone. And i got met with well there’s no appointments till next week. And with that I hung up the phone and sobbed and sobbed all afternoon. I needed help and didn’t know what to do.

    Later that evening I was plagued with very frightening thoughts and I thought this is it I need to do something right now. So I googled a certain word that I don’t want to repeat. And it came up with a charity called SHOUT which is a texting service 24/7 for anybody struggling mentally. What have I got to lose so I texted them. It takes around a hour for them to get back to you but once they have you just have a normal conversation. So I had a guy called Ron. Ron was fucking fantastic, I told him exactly how I was feeling, what has been going on and everything. I’d never met him or heard his voice so it was a lot easier to tell a “stranger” we talked for most of the night and it honestly like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I told him about the Shame and guilt I felt for feeling like this and he just made everything seem ok. I feel like that charity saved me that night. And honestly I managed to convince myself that feeling this way will not bring my brother back, there’s nothing I can do but get on with it so I did.

    *I will put all details of SHOUT at the end of this post*

    Some weeks later I had a midwife appointment and it must have come up on her computer about my previous mental health struggles so we chatted and I admitted how bad it had gotten at the beginging of my pregnancy and she suggested refuring me to the perinatal mental health team who specialise in helping pregant women. Unfortunately as they are such a specialised mental health unit they only offer video call appointments which I feel so awkward with! After cancelling a couple of times I finally plucked up the courage and had the appointment with a really lovely lady who asked me what had been happening and I explained and we chatted and decided together that actaully right now I am okay BUT if anything were to change to call them immediately otherwise I will hear from them when I reach 30 weeks. So I know they are there if I need them. we also agreed that really the time I’m most likely to need some extra support is post natal. Because I’m going to be 4 weeks post partum with a new born when the anniversary of my brothers death comes around. And that’s really not a great time for me let alone with no sleep and a new baby to think of.

    I guess the point of this post is to let anyone who’s struggling know that whatever your situation there is help available and your not alone. And for any pregnant ladies who may be going through the same thing. Please reach out to me I’d love to help wherever possible or just have a chat. Below are all the details for the charity about who I 10/10 recommend!!

    Text SHOUT to 85258 for a 24/7 free confidential service.

    Z

    Xxx

  • 21

    We made it. The 21 week scan! I think every milestone for a pregnant woman is somewhat a relief and an achievement because unfortunately as we all know things can go wrong at absolutely any stage. But we’re here safe and excited to see baby on the scan again today.

    For those who don’t know the 21 week scan is called an anomaly scan and what they are looking for/doing is measuring the baby and looking for any abnormalities like a cleft pallet, missing arm leg or foot or anything along those lines. Aswel as all that they can also determine baby’s sex! But we already know I’m having a girl so hopefully no blue suprises for me today!

    The scan was scheduled for 3pm at the John Radcliffe up in Oxford so I had the morning to take Rex out and do a few bits that needed doing. Off we headed for the hospital which took about an hour because of traffic! *sigh* for anyone visiting the JR just a heads up they have a new parking payment system which actually works out a hell of a lot cheaper then it used to be! And you do it all from your phone.

    Anyways up on level 4 in the women’s Center we went. Unfortunately for us they were short staffed which meant our appointment was an hour later than it should have been. Which didn’t do my bum any favours sat in one place for that long waiting and waiting to go in. Whilst waiting we had a research student approach us asking if we’d be willing to donate some of the baby’s blood to a research study for a really rare disease that affects baby’s. Doing this can help early detection and save baby and children’s lives so of corse I said yes after reading the information booklet.

    Then finally it was our turn to go in! Yippee! Up on the table I jumped leggings pulled down past my fanny so they can shove some paper towel down there, cold jelly applied and I was raring to go! The sonographer told us not to talk or ask questions whist she was scanning because she needed to concentrate which was really awkward because the whole way through she kept talking telling us what she was doing but we couldn’t answer.

    It’s incredible what they can tell from these scans. Me being the total novice obviously just saw blurry lines. The sonographer on the other hand was looking into baby’s brain, heart and kidneys, she found fingers and toes, blood vessels and did indeed confirm it is a little girl. They can tell which way the placenta is laying and all sorts. Seriously clever stuff. Anyway the scan was done and baby is all fine which is always a big relief. Me on the other hand not so much. She did indeed find a problem with one of my arteries that leads to the baby and actaully it shows that my artery isn’t open enough which means the baby gets less blood which could result in baby not growing how she should. OH SHIT! I knew it was to good to be true. Anyway we had a chat I asked some questions and it turns out the technical term for this is called Uterine artery Doppler ultrasound measurement. The good news is that it could mean baby being small or absolulty nothing could happen. It also turns out that If id been at any other hospital I wouldn’t even have known because the John Radcliffe are the only hospital in the county to scan for this certain artery. Which just makes me love this amazing hospital even more.

    So the plan is I need to have 3 extra scans (Which have already Been booked) plus extra appointments with my midwife just to check baby is growing correctly . I won’t lie I felt the fear of god go into me when they told me, just the word artery was enough to frighten me into next week my first thought was blood clot, blood loss and god knows what else. But now I have the facts and reassurance I feel alot better. I just need to keep my fingers and toes cross baby starts growing in the right direction.

    And that ladies and gentlemen is 21 weeks pregnant.

    Z

    Xxx

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