Who am I?

So I’m at that stage of my pregnancy where i  could go into labour at any point. I’m offically 39 weeks, one week away from my due date. I finshed work yesterday for maternity leave and I miss all my work friends already. The question I’m constantly asked at the moment is “you must be so excited?”

I smile and nod whenever I’m asked this question but the truth is I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. For those of you about to judge me for what I’m about to write I suggest you click off and don’t read ahead because I’m not going to be sorry for expressing how I feel even if it makes me look like a bad mum.

This last week I have really been struggling to get used to this new life I’m about to embark on and ive had several meltdowns this week from being anxious about going into hospital to wondering who I am as a person. Let me start with the latter…  its a well known fact when I’m over tired or stressed I get unwell and upset, finishing work is a huge deal for me and let me tell you why… I have worked since I was 15 I have never been out of work I live by routine and getting up to go to work everyday gives me purpose. Not saying that being a mum wont give me purpose ofcorse it will, what I’m talking about is this first few weeks waiting for him to arrive, I have no routine nothing to do and no purpose for a few weeks. I am so frightened of everything and starting to find it difficult to hide it from people. sometimes I wonder who am I? I used to be a runner, I used to have a job( I still do) but my life has changed and I miss who I used to be, I miss my friends, I miss the banter we all have at work and I miss the rush I used to get after a good run, I’m struggling to drag myself out of bed most mornings knowing I have nowhere to be or no job to go to. Making plans in advance is key to keeping me going.

 One major meltdown I had a few nights ago really made me realise I need to talk about how I feel before it consumes me. Every now and again for absolutely no reason a sudden rush of fear comes over me and I think to myself I just cant do this! This happened the other night in bed and I just started sobbing for no reason then it just came into my head that Mr M and the baby would be better off without me and that they don’t need such a terrible person like me in their life. I do realise how irrational these thoughts are now even though they are still coming and going, having Mr M to talk to about it and him reassuring me really helps.

So with all that coming and going my other worry is about going into hospital… ive been pretty relaxed about the whole giving birth in hospital thing but now its  getting closer and could happen at any moment all of a sudden ive developed a fear of going into hospital. The thought of being trapped in a room in pain surrounded by strange people, machiens wires and needles is really starting to frighten me and again this is making me have little panic attacks and meltdowns late at night when I have nothing better to think about, the fear of the unknown is eating me up and really stressing me out, not knowing when I’m going to go into labour is making me really anxious and scared. The key is talking about it as soon as I have a chat with Mr M about everything suddenly I don’t feel so alone and I know he will be there to hold my hand ( even though I think hes secretly shitting himself to)  

I woke up this morning wondering who I am… I am just like every other mother worrying about the change and new life with a little one. I will start running again one day and I will be going back to work in a few months, and I will keep talking to Mr M about how I feel so my worries don’t consume me, but most importantly I will be a good mum to my little boy if it kills me!!

Z

xxx