Holy moly it’s almost 1 month since I had a baby ripped out of me with what felt like giant pair of salad tongs! Doesn’t time just fly? It only feels like yesterday I held that pregnancy test looking at the 2 lines appear.
Now here I am with a tiny little person depending on me for his every need, and boy can he be needy! But this post isn’t about my baby being needy Infact it’s not really about him atall it’s about me. Me and my stupid anxiety, which I’ve had under control for quite some time untill Rex was born.
My anxiety story starts the day we left hospital with Rex. Leaving my comfort zone ( The hospital ) where I had help on tap 24/7 I had doctors and nurses just outside the door should anything happen to me or Rex. The second we stepped out the doors of the hospital carrying Rex in his car seat it suddenly hit me… we are in charge of this little human now!!
For those of you who don’t know Anxiety isn’t always worrying about things or fretting but far from it, for me anyway I have the most unrational thoughts of things that are never going to happen which makes it difficult to tell anybody because I just get laughed at! Getting Rex strapped in to make the long awaited journey home I suddenly start having thoughts like what If we crash on the way home? And almost every car journey since we’ve been home I sit in the back with Rex terrified that if the car crashed he would be alone in the back. Crazy right? Yeah believe me I know! But can I stop thinking about it? I really wish I could.
Since leaving hospital we have had several outings with the baby and no outing with a newborn would be complete without several mishaps and dramas!! Rex decided in the middle of Aldi he was going to scream and scream until his little face was bright red and almost out of breath, my heart was breaking I had a trolly full of shopping my baby was having a meltdown and I just started to panic, thankfully my mum was with me and she took him back to the car to feed him but I just felt so shit and wanted to get home straight away after he screamed all the way home in the car I was trying not to cry and just wanted to get home as soon as possible. Then there’s the projectile vomiting incidient I mentioned in a past post where we had an emergency change of clothes in the middle of the street.
After these unfortunate events I decided to hide away at home putting off going out or seeing anyone in fear something would happen or I found myself in a situation I couldn’t get out of or get home quickly. The furthest I would go is walk down to my work to see the guys and collect my wages and that’s it , And to be honest it made me feel really shit being afraid to go out with Rex like really shit!
UNTILL… the day I had my final appoitment with the midwife and nobody to take me I decided I had to man up and do something about it. So I braved the bus !! Yes the bus… with a newborn what could possibly go wrong? Everything that could go wrong I was thinking about for days before I knew I had to get the bus! What if it crashed and the pram went flying? What if he cried the whole way there? What if I couldn’t get the pram on the bus? For days that’s all I could think about, walking to the bus stop that morning I felt sick and almost turned back to go home but I knew I had to see my midwife for the last ever appoitment, so off we went … me and Rex getting the bus.
Let me tell you what went wrong that morning getting the bus alone with a newborn baby… NOTHING!! nothing went wrong and I couldn’t be more relieved! He slept the whole way there, the bus didn’t crash and he didnt cry walking around Witney! We did it! And I even enjoyed being out and about in the fresh air away from Burford for a few hours.
Since that day I’ve grown some very big balls and been out and about with the pram doing things meeting people and going places. There’s no stopping us now! First stop- the bus to Witney now the world is our oyster for the next 7 months!!
I guess the moral of this story is don’t let your fears dictate how you live your life, don’t let anxiety wear you down and don’t be afraid of what might not happen!
Z
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The Z word 