Millions of years ago when the world was created and humans became a thing someone up above was sat there thinking these women have life to easy what can we do to make them suffer? I know let’s make them bleed for a week once a month from their dam vagina! Like seriously? What tosser thought that up?
Did we or did we not evolve from monkeys? Do you see monkeys walking around bleeding all over the place? Like hell you don’t! But wait… could it be? yes I’m ashamed to admit I actually googled “do monkeys have periods” ya know as yah do. And to my astonishment monkeys do menstruate!! I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a monkey casually walking round with a tampon stuck up its chuff but hey if google says it’s true then I will go with it.
So basically as you know I had a baby. And we all know what happens when you get pregnant. NO PERIODS!! Wooo get the party poppers and banners out! As we all know periods are pain in the arse, not only do we bleed from our nether region but it hurts, we get sore boobs we get tired and hot and moody we basically turn into hormonal moody bleeding little bitches for a week.
Not having a period for a year had been a very strange experience for me. I’ve had periods like clock work every month since I was about 14. I will never forget that fateful day when I finally became a women and had to tell my mum I got my period. So embarrassed I scuttled downstairs before school with a bright red embarrassed face and just said ” mum I’ve started my period” bless her she rushed off grabbed a load of sanitary towels and packed them in my school bag, me as red as a beetroot not really knowing what to do skipped off to school to start my first day bleeding.
Anyway as I was saying not having a period for a year has been bliss! No more worrying if I’m going to start spontaneously bleeding whilst out and about no more tummy ache and saving money on sanitary products! I could go swimming when ever I liked I could go commando and I did! Just for the hell of it Brilliant!! Even after having the baby I didn’t bleed like most women do because I’d lost so much blood giving birth I basically didn’t bleed at all after. There are some perks to having a rough labour after all!
Until now… exactly a year to the month of getting pregnant and you guessed it my first period decided to make a unannounced appearance after a years vacation! It felt very strange because I’d spent 9 months of praying i wouldn’t see blood in my pants when I went to the toilet and now it’s the opposite I know my body is going back to normal, what ever the hell that means! But and there’s a big but! Nothing quite prepared me for the horror of a first period after giving birth. It’s like Niagara Falls in my knickers! A class of school kids could go rafting in the flow that came out of me. Hold on lads it’s going to be a bumpy ride!! I thought to myself do I brave going out today? What if I bleed all over the place? Sitting on the sofa without leakage is a whole diffrent kettle of fish. Do you remember those giant banana boat pads I told you about? Yeah well they are coming in handy I can tell you!
Not only am I gushing blood from my fanny and panicking everyone is going to see but I am also boiling hot! Mr M has slept on the bedroom floor 2 nights running because he can’t bear to be in bed with me I’m that hot! Genuinely thought I was menopausal at one point like is this really happening? Stop the mentrural train I want to get off!! So right now It’s a period pitty party in my house the sofas are lined with plastic the washing machine is set to hot wash and I have sanitary towels stacked up to the ceiling. That’s right I’ve got a whole years worth of lady juice to catch up on. Did I really just say “lady juice” actually just vommed abit in my mouth there sorry guys my bad!
Anyway I’m sure you’d agree that’s enough period talk for one day. Pregnant ladies remember stock up on products because you will need them sooner or later! Plenty of chocolate to hand and just ride it out!
Z
Xxx
The Z word 