This is probably the most popular phrase used in 2019 it seems everyone is using it, before having a baby I didn’t understand why people made up this stupid word. Now I know! Mum guilt is there and it’s real!
I used to think women were acting like a bunch of pansies whinging on about leaving their kids with other people, that’s until I became a mother and realised I had been really irrational judging mums on this!
The first time I proporly left Rex was when I had to go into hospital to have an iron transfusion. We were only gone 5 hours but I was constantly thinking about him the whole time wondering if he was ok. Is he hungry is he crying? Does he need me? Ofcorse he was fine in the very capable hands of my mother in law. I didn’t feel mum guilt that day as it was kind of an emergency that I go into hospital to have this transfusion.
Fast forward nearly 3 months and i decide I’m going to go back to work 1 day a week to earn some extra dolla for Christmas. Judge me if you will but I’m skint and I need some money for Christmas shopping!! So Sunday morning comes round bag packed ready to go off to nanny’s for the day and suddenly I’m overcome with emotion that I can’t leave him. It took me a good half an hour to talk myself into going to work. I get to work and it’s lovely to be back seeing all my friends having a laugh. When I get a message saying Rex is quite unsettled. Man I’ve never felt so guilty, trying my hardest not to cry at work and just wanting to grab my stuff and run home I battled through checking my phone every 2 minuets for updates. That was a hard day but for the sake of me and Rex and needing money it had to be done. He needs to get used to going to other people otherwise it’s going to be a shock when I go back to work properly in January.
So that was that. Next up was a wedding me and Mr M were going to. I bravely asked my mum if she’d have Rex that day and over night to! The morning of the wedding came and I made sure I had lots of Rex cuddles that morning before he left. Off he went to his nanny’s whilst I got ready. I did quite well that day it wasn’t until early evening when I really started to struggle knowing Rex would be getting grizzly as it was nearing bedtime and feeling bad I wasn’t there to put him to bed. But once again mum messaged me to say he’d gone down fine so that was a big relief. TIME TO PARTY!!
Now for those of you who don’t know I am a lightweight at the best of times, this wedding is my first time drinking in a whole year! Stand back it’s about to get messy!! I started off lightly on ciders, then hit the harder stuff later on. That’s right everyone I was drinking PINTS of southern comfort and lemonade! What can I say? I’m a classy gal. Anyway I was having a whale of a time dancing and chatting back to the old me. Now for those of you who don’t know yes I used to smoke. Quite a lot actually. I gave up a couple of months before I fell pregnant and haven’t touched one since, BUT I knew I’d want one when I was drunk. I avoided buying a whole packet as I know I’d smoke the lot. So I scrounged a few off a friend.
By around 11pm I was so drunk I thought fuck it I’m gonna smoke. Don’t know why I did because I didn’t even enjoy it, I guess I was rebelling after having 9 months of being told I can’t do so many things suddenly I’m free to do what I like. I just felt so guilty sat pissed out my head smoking whilst I’ve got a beautiful baby at home asleep in his cot. So anyway that was that.
It wasn’t until the next morning mum guilt truley grabbed my by the balls. On checking my bank account to see what I’d spent that night I could of actually sat and cried. Since being on maternity leave I’ve been so thrifty, saving money buying things on offer, no eating out or take aways. To look at my account and see id spent £90 I was disgusted with myself. I could have bought 2 months worth of milk for Rex with that, or bought him clothes or Christmas presents. And all I had to show for my £90 was the contents of my stomach the night before when I threw up everywhere when I got home. Told you I was classy!
Anyway I’m sorry to those mothers who I used to judge for being clingy to their baby’s, im sorry for not understanding what it’s like leaving your children and most of all I’m sorry for making fun of mum guilt.
Z
Xxx
The Z word 