Luckily for you my loyal readers who keep coming back for more tales of my crazy life I’ve not treated you to any stories about my magical healing vagina for quite some time. Well I’ve got a treat in store for you guys so sit down get comfy and be prepared to laugh cry and cringe all together as I share my story of a situation that I found myself in yesterday!!
So for those of you who don’t know basically after you’ve had a baby your fanny is stretched to shit and your lucky if your guts don’t spill out everytime you bend over. I can see you at the back cringing as you read this but you all know me by now I don’t sugar coat anything! It really is such a magical time! So not only is your usually tight vagina now flapping in the wind your bladder decideds it’s feeling left out and must join your other bodily functions and really fuck up your day on a daily basis.
Now they tell you in the hospital to do pelvic floor excersises for a good reason. A very good reason in fact shall I tell you what it is? SO YOU DONT PISS YOURSELF! And boy don’t you know it if you’ve been slacking on the old pelvic excersises.
For those of you who know me know that I don’t hold back on much so here’s my story of the “sneeze wee”
One upon a time I got pregnant had a baby and ruined my fanny. Thinking I knew better than the doctors advice I accidentally on purpose “forgot” to do my pelvic floor excersises. (Don’t do the same as me ladies I beg of you) many many months after ripping my vagina from ear to ear I experienced what only can be described as a sneeze wee! And as you can expect it does exactly what it says on the tin!
There I am at work bending down in the most vubarable position ever to experience what can only be described as the biggest fucking sneeze I’ve ever done in my entire life, knelt down with no give in my bladder what so ever… AHH CHOO!!
Spillage in aisle 3!! For a brief moment I thought I’d sneezed so hard I’d gone to heaven, only to be brought back down to earth with an almighty bang and huge wet patch in my underpants!! oh my fucking god I’ve actually just pissed myself, not only have I just pissed myself but I’ve done it AT WORK where I have no spare clothes or anywhere to hide my wet sorry ass until I could dry off. Oh god how the mighty have fallen. Running to the toilet to asses the situation and see how bad the damage was I could have cried. Pacing in the toilet trying to think what the fuck am I going to do? Can I sneak my pants in the tumble dryer? Can I just bin them and go commando and hope nobody sees my ass through the god awful transparent black leggings I decided to wear this morning ?!
What else could I do but carry on like I hadn’t just pissed my pants in the middle of a shift? and hope to god they dry off naturally and I don’t walk around smelling like a tramps chip paper. Never did I see the day where my 31 year old self would be hiding in the ladies loo crying over a pair of wet knickers. Needless to say I had no choice but to carry on like nothing had happend and run home at my given opportunity to change my pissy pants and forget this situation ever happend.
So in summery, pelvic floor excersises are literary a life and death situation don’t forget to do them!! If there’s a lesson to be learnt after all this id say NEVER bend down and sneeze at the same time because that’s just asking for trouble! And invest in some decent leggings not the cheap primark shite I wore on this fateful day.
Z
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The Z word 