It’s something women dread, it’s a taboo and it needs to be spoken about more. What is it? THE SMEAR TEST. The delightful event where what feels like a test tube is shoved up yah muff. But please don’t be alarmed I’m here to make you laugh and make sure you get that smear test in the calendar!!
That’s right today I’m having my fanny checked and I’m about to tell you all about it. Because if this post makes just one women go and have her test done then I will be so happy.
Now usually I would be so embarrassed about going to get a smear done but after farting in the faces of not 1 but 2 midwives whilst in labour it really takes a lot to make me embarrassed these days!
anyway as per I spent a good hour with the strimmer down south trying to make it as presentable as possible ready for the big unveil. After a good tidy up in my underpants fresh pants and a litte spray of perfume down below (We all do it!!) off I popped to go and get my fancy checked.
I get in the room and we sit and have a chat about what’s going to happen and the nurse is being so caring and trying not to make me feel embarrised but I’m just like nah nothing phases me anymore I’ve had half of Oxfordshire looking up my fanny hole one more isn’t going to do anything.
So ofcorse I strip to the waste behind a curtain then I’m told to lay on the table and put some blue paper over myself. God knows why I mean she’s going to be looking up my Wookey hole what’s the blue paper going to cover? Anyway I do as I’m told and lay there legs wide open catching a draft when all of a sudden… yep it’s in, it’s cold, it’s a little uncomfortable. The second I start to wish this would be over it is. Just like that!! And honestly that’s the gods honest truth. No less than 3 minuets after I am packing my fanny and my dignity back into my pants and get dressed. See what’s all the fuss about? Ofcorse I know for most women it is going to be hugely embarrising but what’s the alternative? I know I’d rather have a cold test tube shoved up my fluff than have cancer. And that sounds dramatic but that’s the truth of it. And I truly believe that YOU can do this. You are strong badass mother fucker who can conquer a smear test.
This is the part where I’m going to put the funny stuff to one side and ask any women reading this who is to scared or embarrised or who just doesn’t want to go, to PLEASE reach out to me. Take my hand and together we will go and get your test done. Because cancer isn’t a joke, and it’s certainly not picky about who it chooses. If there was a cure for cancer you’d take it right? So why wouldn’t you go and get a test done that could possibly save your life? Who the fuck cares if you’ve got a hairy growler. Who cares if it’s an odd shape or if you think it’s not pleasant to look at it. theve seen it all before and worse!
I’d like to end this post with some facts about cervical cancer. Did you know that 3,000 women in the uk are affected by cervical cancer in a year. A YEAR!
Did you know that 75% of cervical cancers can be prevented by cervical screening?
And finally 2 women in the uk lose their life to cervical cancer every day.
So ladies be brave and get your fanny checked!!
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The Z word 