I’ve kinda avoided writing this post just because it’s a hard topic to discuss but it’s also very important not just for me to talk about but to let others know they are not alone and that it’s ok not to be ok at one of the happiest times of your life. Can I just stress that I am absolutely okay now, I came through this the other side and ready to tell the story. So here goes…
This baby was planned and wanted for well over a year, numerous failed attempts before we finally fell pregnant. During this time I was and still am grieving the loss of my little brother that will never go away. So when the test showed up positive it was instant happiness, finally something good not just for me but the whole family to look forward to. A new baby and a new start. The happiness didnt last long. A few weeks in I started to feel very down, about a lot of things, but mostly at the fact something good was happening and I was happy. Should I be happy? I guess I decided I shouldn’t be. Over the next few days my mood really dropped, I thought having a baby would solve everything, but the fact was it made me feel probably the worst I’ve ever felt in my whole entire life. And how could I tell anybody this? I couldn’t! At a time I should be filled with joy I’m feeling so depressed and lonely it went on for a few more days until this one particular day I couldn’t get dressed, I couldn’t play with Rex, i wasn’t showering or brushing my teeth and I just felt numb and lost and sad and to be quite frank I didn’t want to be alive anymore and that bloody scared me. With that came embarrassment shame and guilt for feeling this way when I was carrying a baby.
There was absolutely nobody I could tell. Who the hell would understand I could be this low during one of the happiest times of my life. So I bit the bullet and phoned the GP surgery before it got worse it took a lot for me to do that. Anyway the receptionist was really snotty with me and asked if it was an emergency. Not being one to make a fuss I said well no but I do really need to talk to someone. And i got met with well there’s no appointments till next week. And with that I hung up the phone and sobbed and sobbed all afternoon. I needed help and didn’t know what to do.
Later that evening I was plagued with very frightening thoughts and I thought this is it I need to do something right now. So I googled a certain word that I don’t want to repeat. And it came up with a charity called SHOUT which is a texting service 24/7 for anybody struggling mentally. What have I got to lose so I texted them. It takes around a hour for them to get back to you but once they have you just have a normal conversation. So I had a guy called Ron. Ron was fucking fantastic, I told him exactly how I was feeling, what has been going on and everything. I’d never met him or heard his voice so it was a lot easier to tell a “stranger” we talked for most of the night and it honestly like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I told him about the Shame and guilt I felt for feeling like this and he just made everything seem ok. I feel like that charity saved me that night. And honestly I managed to convince myself that feeling this way will not bring my brother back, there’s nothing I can do but get on with it so I did.
*I will put all details of SHOUT at the end of this post*
Some weeks later I had a midwife appointment and it must have come up on her computer about my previous mental health struggles so we chatted and I admitted how bad it had gotten at the beginging of my pregnancy and she suggested refuring me to the perinatal mental health team who specialise in helping pregant women. Unfortunately as they are such a specialised mental health unit they only offer video call appointments which I feel so awkward with! After cancelling a couple of times I finally plucked up the courage and had the appointment with a really lovely lady who asked me what had been happening and I explained and we chatted and decided together that actaully right now I am okay BUT if anything were to change to call them immediately otherwise I will hear from them when I reach 30 weeks. So I know they are there if I need them. we also agreed that really the time I’m most likely to need some extra support is post natal. Because I’m going to be 4 weeks post partum with a new born when the anniversary of my brothers death comes around. And that’s really not a great time for me let alone with no sleep and a new baby to think of.
I guess the point of this post is to let anyone who’s struggling know that whatever your situation there is help available and your not alone. And for any pregnant ladies who may be going through the same thing. Please reach out to me I’d love to help wherever possible or just have a chat. Below are all the details for the charity about who I 10/10 recommend!!
Text SHOUT to 85258 for a 24/7 free confidential service.
Z
Xxx
The Z word 
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