Chances are these days if you pass me in the street I’m more than likely conceling a hidden secret. What could it possibly be I hear you ask? Well the chances are if your walking past me in the street on any given day I’m more then likely to be carrying a pocket full of piss about my person. Now before you get all judgey hear me out…
Let’s start this story with the why. Why on earth would I be walking around with a pissy pocket? Well that’s a question for the pregnancy gods who decided that how inconveniently we as child baring people have to do a wee sample every single god dam time we go to the midwife! Why are we blessed with this mildly annoying and somewhat messy difficult task of gathering our own piss? Basically it’s to check for pre-eclampsia which is a condition in pregnancy that can make mum and baby very unwell. *Touch wood* I’m all clear at present.
So I guess I should follow with the how? Do we piss in some kind of jug or a funnel you know something to make the task in hand slightly easier and stress free. Hell no that would be way to easy, sod that said the idiotic cretin who invented this impossible yet mildly comical excercise. Nah we will go with the WORLDS SMALLEST fucking test tube and just to make it extra fun we will stick a paper label on the tube just to let every fucker who sees you with this tube know that you actually can’t aim for shit. Now for the second how… how does one elegantly not only find that teeny tiny pee whole but find it and actually aim into that sodding test tube, all the while whilst manoeuvring around that big pregnant belly blind because let’s be honest here at 6 months pregnant your fanny has basically been reported as missing, you ain’t got no chance of seeing that thing for a while yet! Which just adds that extra bit of excitement wondering if you are actually A.) Even 10 feet near your piss hole or B.) completely missing the minuscule little pot abandoning mission compleatly and having the sheer shame of telling the midwife you can’t aim for shit.
So. If your some fucking magician and miraculously get a sample in the pot with the lid safely screwed on you hold onto that pot like it’s worth a million dollars. And if that’s not enough you have to do all this in the comfort of your own home THEN get the pot of piss to the midwife as conspicuous as possible unless you don’t mind the whole world knowing the atrocities you just have or haven’t committed. Transportation usually for me involves wrapping that fucker up and sticking it in my pocket for safe keeping, praying it doesn’t jump out of my pocket en route leaving it for some poor bugger to find on the street. Entering the midwife’s room is like a big relief, it’s almost over, my pissy pocket is almost free and this ordeal is done, that is until the sample gets tested and you get handed another test tube to take home for next time!! Fuck my life!
Until next time