Baby’s first Christmas. Expectation vs reality

pregnancy

It’s around 4pm on Christmas Day and we’ve just had our second meltdown of the day. Mums holding the baby whilst I get 10 min to myself.

We all look forward to baby’s first Christmas the expectation of taking cute photos of the baby dressed up, helping baby open presents and playing with all the toys whilst family look on with smiles and laughter, that’s what every babys first Christmas Is like right?

WRONG! If anyone tells you that’s how their first Christmas with a baby went then they are 300% telling porkie pies. I write this as I’m holding back the tears and tired of pretending to have a good day when all I want to do is go home get in my pjs and go to bed.

Let’s go back to yesterday. Christmas Eve 2019 when I started to get worried about how baby would behave on Christmas Day as he’s been playing up a lot recently. Bed time comes and so far so good. This is where I first went wrong when I expected a good nights sleep. The reality was 1am was my first wake up call of the evening bottle bum change and straight back to sleep. 4am comes my second wake up, unfortunately for me Rex would not go back to sleep. Exhausted and desperately wanting sleep I’m crying already praying to god that Rex is well behaved today. Wishing I could just snuggle up and go back to sleep.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! As were all up we made a start on presents early, I got very spoiled. Rex successfully opened some of his own presents.

The usual tradition still stands of starting Christmas morning at my mums then off to my mother in laws then back to my mums for dinner. It’s hectic but it works for us. Rex was impeccabley behaved throughout the morning happily opening presents (with some help) lunch time beckons Happily playing in his high hair as we are about to tuck into our turkey and stuffing. The second I take my first mouthfull. Que Rex.. I barely even had a chance to digest my chipolatas when he started. God Job I’m used to cold dinners now as I try and settle him whilst everyone else is tucking in. His screams defan the house as everyone is chowing down on turkey and roast potatoes and I just want to run away from it all and let everyone have a nice Christmas. My Christmas dinner wasn’t quite the same cold and stale 😞

Rex completely shattered didnt nap atall today. Maybe I’m in for a good nights sleep? That’s wishful thinking if you ask me. So being a baby and doing what he does best rex just continued to grizzle scream and cry for most of the afternoon making it very uncomfortable for me having everyone watch me try to settle him. At this point I’m trying my best not to burst into tears everyone can see I’m getting flustered and all I can think about is going home. I can see the look on everyone’s faces wondering why I’m getting so annoyed and upset which is making me worse.

So we collect up our mountain of presents stack the car to and inch of its life and doddle off home where by this time Rex is so exhausted he’s compleatly flat out. And goes straight to bed! HURRAH!! I can finally sit down and actually look at some of the presents I got and tidy away.

Is it just me or does everyone want to know how baby’s first Christmas was? Ofcorse you have to lie and say it was great just to sound like a good parent. We darent admit what a shambles it really was.

Having a baby is hard, we expect things to be as normal after having a baby. I thought I was invincible and could do anything with my baby In tow! Oh how wrong could I be. I love Rex to bits he’s my world but occasions like today are a lot of hard work and very very tireing. All in all we had a good Christmas we all got very spoilt.

Expectation 1-0 Reality

Z

Xxx

I have bipolar, what’s your superpower?

bipolar, depression, mental health, pregnancy, self harm

Il be honest this is a post I’ve been putting off writing for a long time. Is it because I’m embarrassed, shy or even humiliated? I don’t know is the honest answer, it’s the elephant in the room isn’t it… something we are drummed into us that we need to talk about and it’s easy until you actually need to talk about your own mental health.

So here we go… you read it right I have bipolar (type 2) that basically means it’s less severe than type 1 (phew) I feel awkward even writing this down because it’s something I have, I live with but very rarely talk about even to my husband even a lot of my friends and family don’t even know about it. Why? I can’t explain the feeling I feel when it comes up in conversation with people, awkwardness like are they going to think I’m attention seeking? Am I going to be asked questions I don’t want to answer? Will they feel sorry for me? Basically all of the above!

I do understand to an extent why people have such negative views about bipolar, sometimes the way it’s portrayed on TV doesn’t help it’s important to know every individual is different. I’m really not worried about people thinking I’m crazy because I know I’m a raving lunatic anyway always have been and that’s not about to change. The only thing I worry about is people thinking I am faking it… I mean if you knew someone like me who’s pretty outgoing funny and a bit of a sarcastic twat you’d never ever think I am the way I am. The reality is I do but I’ve learnt to manage it. How you ask? Let’s find out.

Firstly let me explain to those of you who think bipolar is is some crazy dangerous thing…It’s not scary it doesn’t make me dangerous and it definitely doesn’t mean I’m crazy! To put it bluntly It means mood. 2 moods in fact. One of them being low depressed,down what ever you like to call it. Which touch wood I haven’t been for over 2 years now YAY! There was times I’d spend days in bed not eating or drinking and feeling like I’d had a skip full of bricks tipped on top of me. I painted on a smile for the outside world but the reality was I was severely depressed. My marriage was struggling and I really wasn’t a nice person to be around. I suffered in silence mostly not even talking to those closest to me. All that changed when I decided enough was enough and I wanted to do something about it. Talking is the first step as soon as you open up the conversation it’s like setting yourself free.

Then there’s the other side, I shouldn’t really say this so please forgive me but regrettably I don’t get to experience very often. Professionals call it hypo mania I just call it feeling high because it’s just that. I basically feel like I’ve taken some kind of drug that’s made me all giddy and fun. As fun as it is I’ve done some pretty stupid shit whilst in this state. Racked up thousands of pounds of Catalogue bills, drank myself stupid untill I can’t walk and smoked more then my body could cope with. I lost friendships and I basically didnt give a shit about anything or anyone I’m selfish c**t and behave totally out of order. I get so worked up over nothing Mr M has had to psychically hold me down to stop me hurting myself, I’ve kicked holes in doors and thrown things at the wall and threatend to phone the police if he doesn’t let me go. I’ve taken overdoses of sleeping medication to try and get me to sleep because I’m that desperate for sleep I will do anything. I’ve had days where I haven’t slept my eyes actually in pain and my head so muffled I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Crazy huh? You never knew did you?

For those of you who are now seeing me in a compleatly different light please don’t panic!! I promise you I’m still the same Zoe who you know and love. In fact I’m probably better than I have been for years! For once in my life I actually feel “normal” what ever normal feels like. I don’t get angry like I used to ( no doors were harmed in the making of this story) I don’t drink and smoke myself silly like I used to infact I’ve packed up smoking and the ultimate cherry on top of my mental health cake is I CAN SLEEP! For years and years I have struggled with insominia. Unless you have been unfortunate to experience the utter ballache that is insomnia then you can’t quite understand what it’s like to not sleep for 3 days straight, how upsetting it is laying there night after night watching the clock tick by hour by hour still not going to sleep. Begging my doctor to give me some sleeping tablets to get me to sleep It is by far the worst thing out of all of this I have experienced. Insomnia is my nemesis, and as soon as it comes on I know I’m in for a rough ride. Thankfully praise the lord i was put on a medication that stabilises my moods and also works as a sedative. FUCKING HALLELUJAH !! I felt like all my prayers had been answered after being put on this tablet.

I can tell you since being on It i am like a brand new shiny happy go lucky person that I used to be. And the most important thing is I SLEEP !! Goodbye to the endless nights of staring at the ceeling crying pacing round my room trying to get to sleep. This drug for me is my miracle drug, it’s changed me as a person, no more kicking holes in Doors no more acting like a selfish cow and most importantly no more feeling low except on the odd occasion which is rare now! But not only do I have this drug to thank, I found my voice and started to tell Mr M how I feel when I feel bad and it’s like a breath of fresh air being able to unload. My life changed forever a few years ago when I took control of the situation. Having Rex has been the best thing that’s ever happend to me it’s made me a better person than I ever have been and I will Always be eternally grateful to him for completing me.

So there you have it, Didn’t expect that did you? To be honest neither did I, I’ve written all this down today for you to read but I can’t bring myself to publish it to the world. Why? Basically I don’t really want to talk about it and for now I don’t need to talk about it, I guess I’m writing this post as I’m being true to my word when I promised I would write an honest and real life blog, there’s no sugar coating mental health, what would be the point? it happens! To one in 3 of us! I can guarantee most of the people around you have had or are suffering right now and you wouldn’t even know. So please just be kind.

Z

Xxx

This post was written in August 2019 and publish for world mental health day October 2019

Bleeding hell!

pregnancy

It’s one thing having to deal with the utter shitfest that is having a period every month , it’s another thing dealing with the ability to spontaionly combust and start bleeding unannounced in public.

If Period talk makes you feel queasy then I suggest you stop here. Because things are about to get messy! You know me I don’t hold back on much! Trust me Lads if you ever want sex again I suggest you don’t read ahead.

Anyway… I’ve been as regular as clock work since 14. Me and my periods made a pack that’s never been broken. It’s like a relationship you build up over time, Yeah I get the odd bit of pain here and there but who doesn’t? As strange as this sounds it felt oddly weird when I got pregnant and suddenly I didn’t have to worry about my monthly’s !! I swear the first 3 months of pregnancy I was strutting my stuff walking around with no knickers on.

You all know i suffer with mild anixety, after finding out I was growing a baby literary everytime I went to the toilet for the next 9 months I checked to see if I was bleeding out of total and utter fear of the worst happening. Bleeding during pregnancy “can” be compleatly normal. Having said that any pregnant women reading this please don’t take my word for it and get it checked ASAP if you experience any bleeding during pregnancy just to be on the safe side.

So just to gross you out even more than I already have I’m gonna shed some light on what it’s like after the birth!! Now i had heard some horror stories and I mean HORROR STORIES! Of what comes out of your baby gate after delivery and the coming months. And I’m talking get the arm bands and rubber ring at the ready for the gush of bloody mess that’s about to drop from your poor battered old fanny.

So being as prepared as I could I stocked up on all the necessary sanitary wear to try and mop up the gushing mess that was my vagina, little fact for you.. I’ve never used a tampon in my life! Who wants to walk around with a cotton wool sausage stuck up their chuff all day? I was very pleasantly suprised to find that as id lost so much blood during delivery that there actually wasn’t much left to vacate the building. Yay!! SPOILER ALERT. I lost 2 litres of blood when they so gently ripped that baby from my now fragile fanny which I didn’t find out about until days after and realised 2 litres is like one of those big bottles of coke!! Anyway back to the important stuff, So basically I had no bleeding after having the baby unlike some unlucky ladies who have the niagra falls turn up in their knickers.

So as I’m minding my own business wondering when my body was going to grace me with the glorious monthly presence of bleeding for a week.BAM. There it is. Then one unsuspecting day where I’m just minding my own business, and I go to the loo and I’m like WTF is this? Another period? I’ve only just had one. So I went with it as you do to see what would happen, the days went by and yep still bleeding like a dying bear. Ermmm HELLO? What’s going on here? I didn’t agree to this. Thinking it was a one off I put the past behind me and once again the mother fucked sprung on me the following month! Is it normal to have 2 periods a month? Am I dying a slow monthly death?Should I be some weird science experiment?

Fast forward now to 5 months post natal. Knowing the monthly monster is about to spring up on me, prepared for battle I’m ready to go! Period? Are you there? I’ve only gone and fucking skipped a period! Wtf is going on? Sitting at the kitchen table tapping my fingers looking at the clock, will it ever show up? Am I safe to leave the safe sanitary towel confindes of my own house, will I spontaneously start bleeding on the bus? It’s a risk I’m prepared to take! I’m a busy women I don’t wait around for nobody.

And that my friends is my story of the bleeding nightmare of post natal bleedige. If I’ve learnt anything it’s always be prepared!!

Z

Xxx

Winter nasties and snot monkeys

pregnancy

My little Rex has had a hard few weeks bless him. As these cold winter months hit us like a train we as parents are going to experience the dreaded colds and illness!!

Hopefully this post can help you mums and dads deal with the winter nasties.

A lot of babies including Rex suffer with Unknown constipation. The pour wee soul can go days and days without pushing one out. You can see how uncomfortable he is by screming and pushing his legs up and down, you can see him straining trying to get that massive poo out but nothing happens. I’ve been told that cold boiled water should help this situation. Me being me didn’t listen to advice and just marched him straight down the Doctors. So confirmation from the doctor that yes Rex needs a really big shite, we come away with some medicine to help make him go.

To be taken twice a day untill he finally dumps his load, taken by syringe which as you can imagine Rex absolutly loves. (Not!!) when you’ve got a sick baby who needs medicine you suddenly turn into some kind of sniper ready for battle, as soon as that mouth opens it’s GO GO GO!! There’s no greater feeling that the accomplishment of smugly getting that medicine in your baby’s mouth without them spitting it out.

Sometimes it can start as diarrhoea in the doctors words ” it builds up behind the solid poo and comes through the sides” glorious!! Believe me you know about it when it finally comes! Wrap up the furnature and Jet wash at the ready!!

Rex is now on his 3rd Cold of his short life so far. There isn’t really any remedies for colds for babies except calpol and lots of snuggles. Just be prepared to be showered in snot and coughed and sneezed on like a rabid dog! Rex is getting pretty impressive with his snot bubbles! He’s aquired the name “snot monkey” at the moment. It’s flowing out of him like lava!

The winter nasties are are in full swing this year so batten down your hatches and stock up on calpol you’re in for a bumpy ride!!

Z

Xxx

Mummy’s losing her marbles!

pregnancy

It’s been 5 months since I pushed a 7.8 pounder out of my nether region and i am very impressed I’ve had no major breakdowns in the glorious 5 months of motherhood so far.

Until now… let me introduce you to the mummy who’s losing her marbles! That’s me! Crikey it’s all going on, I don’t know weather I’m coming or going at the moment. I thought newborn state was hard thats got nothing on what’s happening right now.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when things took a turn for the worse down shit hole lane, I’m still stuck down the dead end unable to turn around and make a swift exit. Now anyone who knows me knows that I can be a bit scatty at the best of times, even more so when I’ve got a screming 5 month old ( who by the way CANNOT be left unattended even for a second anymore) but that’s a story for another day!

So pretty much most days now I’m juggling a screaming baby, trying to do the housework, trying to feed and water myself all the while my washing is piled high my tea is burning and my washing up water has gone cold before I’ve even started because the baby will not give over for 1 second!! I’m lucky if I get to wipe my own arse at the moment.

Teatime is as ever a momentous occasion, baby’s routine is bed by 7 whilst mummy cooks tea, this week however the little sod is playing on mummy’s stress of trying to keep the house running smoothly and takes a whole hour to get to sleep after being put to bed. Like HELLO !! Mummy’s trying to keep this house is one peice, I’m running upstairs in between each mouthful of my dinner trying to settle the blubbering mess that is my child.

By the time the little devil has fallen asleep I just about have time to run a bath tidy up quickly and go to bed. This week however has just been one big nightmare that I cannot wake up from. We have numerous apparatus that can hold the petulant child, will he sit and play sitting in his chair or his play center? Will he buggery. Didn’t you know it’s more fun to be held by mummy especially when she’s got things to do? Apparently it is.

My marbles are well and truley lost, I’m sprinting between rooms trying to do things in the fastest time possible and failing miserably. Rex however is having a great time watching his mum lose her shit.

The thing to top all this off is when rex goes to one of his nanny’s whilst I go to work he behaves impeccably! If that isn’t a kick in the teeth enough when ever we grace the great outdoors with our presence all anyone says is “oh what a happy baby” “what a good boy” meanwhile in the back ground in scowling thinking if only you knew!!

Despite everything , the days he’s being a litte sod, the days I sit and cry thinking I cannot cope, the sleepless nights and the constant whinging and crying, I love my boy more then anything in the world. Nothing could ever stop me loving my perfect boy.

Just learn to behave a bit better for mummy please Rex!

Z

Xxx

Let’s blog!

pregnancy

This weeks post is a bit of a lazy ( and possibly boring ) one I’m afraid to admit. I have no topic to write about this week because can you believe it I’ve had a very mediocre week! So I will just go with it and see how It goes.

Does anyone mind if I sway away from the pregnancy/baby theme just for a brief moment? Because something HUGE happend in the world of TV this week and to be honest I’m still not quite over it. THE CHASE! Itv have only bloody taken the chase of our 5pm slot every day and replaced it with some shit game show! I know!! Can you believe it? It’s like my whole daily routine has been ripped up and thrown up in the air. Where am I going to get my 5pm quiz show fix now? Beyond gutted. And I’m not the only one apparently according to twitter. Hundreds of complaints have been made demanding it be reinstated. Come on itv sort it out love!

Something that has really been grinding my gears recently is people thinking it’s ok to park on the path making it impossible to get by with the buggy. This has been something I have been venting my frustrations about quite a bit getting very mixed opinions. Quite simply if you think it’s acceptable to block a pathway with a car then don’t bother arguing with me because honestly it’s wrong and we all know it! Mums you know how annoying and down right dangerous it is when you have to walk in the road with a pushchair! I know it’s boring and I bang on so I will say no more about it.

What else had been happening this week? I guess I should talk about Rex atleast once in this post, what an angel he has been at bedtime this week. He’s pretty much mastered sleeping through at night now! Unfortunately my body is used to getting up during the night so I keep finding myself up wondering why he’s not woken up. Last night was a corker! I managed 7 hours sleep without waking up! Also the little legend has started going 4 hours between feeds this week making my life a hell of a lot easier!!

So last week we went for a Christmas family photoshoot! Dressed up in our Christmas finery off we popped to Bourton on the water for a fun filled photoshoot! I’m keeping the photos under wraps for now as I’m planning on making Christmas cards with them. Which leads me to my next topic…. You know you’re officially a parent when you have a craft box! My oh my did I enjoy shopping for such stuff. My eyes glazed over at all the crafting opportunities that lay Before me. Glitter, stickers, paint, metallic pens, ribbon etc etc. Aswell as ordering stencils and card online we are well geared up for some crafting!! Expect your Christmas card to arrive early December!

Lastly today we decided to try a baby group for the first time. I’m just impressed that we made it up and out the front door by 8:30am to be honest. That’s an achievement in its self. So off we popped with Rex’s best mate Mabel and about 100 other screming running wild children. We played we bounced and we rolled and we watched Mabel run around playing with all the toys, Rex wishing he could get up and play to. Then off we went for a look round the shops and nipped into my old friend Aldi. £16 for a massive basket of shopping Wouldn’t get that in Waitrose (Wink Wink)

And that my friends is a round up of the last week or so of my very working class mediocre life as mum who cannot wait to get stuck into the glitter and pretty things to make cards!!

Tune in to see the finshed result!

Z

Xxx

Sleep, what’s that??

pregnancy

Obviously upon getting pregnant I knew my sleeping pattern was going to change as soon as I had the baby. So what better thing to do than basically sleep through my whole pregnancy! Not literally that would just be silly! But what I used to do was basically sleep when ever I possibly could. Including one very long day at work where I went for a cuppa tea and a sit down in our restraunt at work where I happend to fall asleep at the table! Apparently the front of house staff thought it was right funny and just left me to it.

Its no secret that I’ve struggled with insominia for a lot of years now and it’s made me really very porley on some occasions. Almost as soon as I got up the duff my body did this Miraculous U turn and actually let me sleep! I couldn’t believe my luck! So ofcorse I made the absolute most out of this situation and slept anywhere and everywhere!

Towards the end of pregnancy was a totally diffrent kettle of fish. Getting up sometimes 10 times a night to pee was as you can imagine a blast! Those aches and pains Ruined what was my time to shine in the bedroom. Mr M has a compleatly different idea what that sentence means. Anyway sleep sleep sleep is what I did right up until I popped!

After the momentous occasion when Rex was dragged kicking and screaming out of my foo foo my whole life changed for ever! Why does everyone feel they need to ask THAT QUESTION. You know the one? Does baby sleep well? What do these people expect me to say? I’m so sick of answering this question, they don’t actually want to know it’s just a way of making small talk I even admit I’m guilty of this!

Anyway where was I? Ah yes… As I have nothing to compare it to , I would say Rex is a reasonable sleeper. And by resonable I mean he’s a totally unpredictable little dick at times. Newborn Rex was abit hit and miss, my anixety stopped me from sleeping wondering weather he was ok? Is he breathing, is he to hot or to cold? Back then he’d wake around 3 times per night wanting feeding and a nappy change. Cocktail sticks at the ready my body really wasn’t accustomed to this new situation.

In between then and now we’ve had some some wild midnight party’s racking up the shots of milk and some late night shitty nappy’s! Those fuckers! if they don’t give you nightmares I don’t know what will!

Then came THAT NIGHT. Yes that one! Hours ticking by and no wake up. Is he ok? Is he breathing? Because ofcorse I wake up every 3 hours ready to feed the boy but he decides nah.. I’m sleeping through! I can’t tell you how excited I was. I thought to myself this is it!! Finally! He’d going to start sleeping through the night. Just as I’ve got the bunting out and started celebrating BAM!! Suprise mummy only joking! It’s a good job I love the little sod as much as I do.

So here we are 4.5 months down the line. Every now and again he treats me to a good nights sleep. Currently waking up once a night around 1am for a bottle. One day he will decide he’s going to be kind to mummy and sleep through every night until then party round mine 1am bring a bottle. Because sleep… what’s that?

Happy sleeping!!

Z

Xxx