This is probably the most popular phrase used in 2019 it seems everyone is using it, before having a baby I didn’t understand why people made up this stupid word. Now I know! Mum guilt is there and it’s real!

I used to think women were acting like a bunch of pansies whinging on about leaving their kids with other people, that’s until I became a mother and realised I had been really irrational judging mums on this!

The first time I proporly left Rex was when I had to go into hospital to have an iron transfusion. We were only gone 5 hours but I was constantly thinking about him the whole time wondering if he was ok. Is he hungry is he crying? Does he need me? Ofcorse he was fine in the very capable hands of my mother in law. I didn’t feel mum guilt that day as it was kind of an emergency that I go into hospital to have this transfusion.

Fast forward nearly 3 months and i decide I’m going to go back to work 1 day a week to earn some extra dolla for Christmas. Judge me if you will but I’m skint and I need some money for Christmas shopping!! So Sunday morning comes round bag packed ready to go off to nanny’s for the day and suddenly I’m overcome with emotion that I can’t leave him. It took me a good half an hour to talk myself into going to work. I get to work and it’s lovely to be back seeing all my friends having a laugh. When I get a message saying Rex is quite unsettled. Man I’ve never felt so guilty, trying my hardest not to cry at work and just wanting to grab my stuff and run home I battled through checking my phone every 2 minuets for updates. That was a hard day but for the sake of me and Rex and needing money it had to be done. He needs to get used to going to other people otherwise it’s going to be a shock when I go back to work properly in January.

So that was that. Next up was a wedding me and Mr M were going to. I bravely asked my mum if she’d have Rex that day and over night to! The morning of the wedding came and I made sure I had lots of Rex cuddles that morning before he left. Off he went to his nanny’s whilst I got ready. I did quite well that day it wasn’t until early evening when I really started to struggle knowing Rex would be getting grizzly as it was nearing bedtime and feeling bad I wasn’t there to put him to bed. But once again mum messaged me to say he’d gone down fine so that was a big relief. TIME TO PARTY!!

Now for those of you who don’t know I am a lightweight at the best of times, this wedding is my first time drinking in a whole year! Stand back it’s about to get messy!! I started off lightly on ciders, then hit the harder stuff later on. That’s right everyone I was drinking PINTS of southern comfort and lemonade! What can I say? I’m a classy gal. Anyway I was having a whale of a time dancing and chatting back to the old me. Now for those of you who don’t know yes I used to smoke. Quite a lot actually. I gave up a couple of months before I fell pregnant and haven’t touched one since, BUT I knew I’d want one when I was drunk. I avoided buying a whole packet as I know I’d smoke the lot. So I scrounged a few off a friend.

By around 11pm I was so drunk I thought fuck it I’m gonna smoke. Don’t know why I did because I didn’t even enjoy it, I guess I was rebelling after having 9 months of being told I can’t do so many things suddenly I’m free to do what I like. I just felt so guilty sat pissed out my head smoking whilst I’ve got a beautiful baby at home asleep in his cot. So anyway that was that.

It wasn’t until the next morning mum guilt truley grabbed my by the balls. On checking my bank account to see what I’d spent that night I could of actually sat and cried. Since being on maternity leave I’ve been so thrifty, saving money buying things on offer, no eating out or take aways. To look at my account and see id spent £90 I was disgusted with myself. I could have bought 2 months worth of milk for Rex with that, or bought him clothes or Christmas presents. And all I had to show for my £90 was the contents of my stomach the night before when I threw up everywhere when I got home. Told you I was classy!

Anyway I’m sorry to those mothers who I used to judge for being clingy to their baby’s, im sorry for not understanding what it’s like leaving your children and most of all I’m sorry for making fun of mum guilt.

Z

Xxx

I want to tell you a little story of my friend Kirsty.

Totally unrelated to my blog but today is the anniversary of the death of one of my best friends from school. 4 years ago today Kirsty decided she had no other way out than to take her own life. How wrong could she be.

Let me take you back to Burford school in Oxfordshire 2005. Me and my best mate Kirsty used to cause absolute havoc! Backchat teachers, bunk off lessons sneak off up the field and smoke and just generally be naughty little buggers! Oh the fun we had! Our friends loved us and the teachers hated us! She was funny, smart kind and we had so much fun getting into mischief together.

I’m not going to go into to much detail as it wouldn’t be fair, but I think it would be fair to say that Kirsty had problems for a number of years. That unfortunately got overlooked by a lot of people myself included. We didn’t really talk much after leaving school which is a real shame. She had things going on as did I and we just drifted apart.

We would message every now and again on Facebook, her joking that she was going to knuckle down and be good. Then one day 4 years ago whilst at work I had that message nobody ever wants to recieve. Kirsty had taken her own life, I was speechless and devastated. How could this be true how could a 26 year old with her whole life ahead of her suddenly not be here anymore? It took me a long time to accept that she had gone. It never really sunk in until the funeral, one of the saddest days of my life.

Sometime after I was flicking through my messages on Facebook and up came her name. I decided I was going to look and I didnt like what I had found. The 2 last messages I ever sent her asking if she was ok she had not read. I sobbed for a long time over this thinking would of things been different if she had read my message?

A while after this I was going through some old school stuff and would you believe I found a letter in pristine condition that she had written me at school! It only contains silly school stuff but it means the absolute world to me and I will treasure it forever. I would like to share that letter with you …

4 years on and I’ve raised almost £3,000 for various mental health charities for Kirsty and I aim to continue doing this in the near future.

I’m not really sure how to end this post to be honest except to say RIP Kirsty ❤️

Anyone reading this who might need help or someone to talk to please feel free to comment on the post or message me privately. Below are some useful numbers for anyone who needs them

Samaratins 116 123

Mind 0300 123 3393

Sane 0300 304 7000

Z

Xxx

Rex is a very lucky boy at only 11 weeks old he already has a bunch of friends who he’s going to grow up having fun with! So without further ado I introduce to you Rex and friends…

Rory

Aswell as being Rex’s friend Rory is also Rex’s cousin, Rory is 4 years old and has just started school. Rory is very clever and funny and makes us all laugh with some of the things he says, His hobbies include playing with cars, watching CBeebies and raiding his nanny’s chocolate cupboard! As most kids his age he loves going to our local soft play center and playing in the ballpit. Somewhere that I used to take him when he was younger. Rory has tomato ketchup on absolutely anything and Loves chocolate buttons. Rex is going to grow up loving his big cousin Rory.

Max

Max (full name Maxton) is also Rex’s older cousin. Brother to Rory. Max is almost 1 and a half years old. Born in may 2018 he is just over a year older than Rex which means they will grow up together and hopefully be really close. Since recently learning to walk Max has his hands in everything! Including everything he shouldn’t. You need eyes in the back of your head when maxi is around. Max is cute clever and funny and always has a big smile on his face. Max is fascinated by Rex and always wants to show his love to his younger cousin, mostly by poking him. The same as Rory, Rex is going to love having his older cousins around to play with.

Mabel

Mabel is the daughter of one of my oldest school friends. Mabel is almost exactly a year older than Rex born in July 2018 she is a year and 10 days older. She has the most beautiful ginger hair and big beaming smile. Her hobbies include watching a rabbit programme called bing, swimming and being an outsidey kinda girl. Mabel is a dummy addict going to bed with one in her mouth one in each hand plus more just incase she loses any. She met Rex for the first time at her 1st birthday party and ever since always wants to look at him whenever she sees him. Mabel will be a lifelong friend of Rex and I can’t wait to see what adventures they get up to in the years to come.

Oscar

Oscar is Rex’s very special friend because me and oscars mummy work together and shared being pregnant at the same time togeather Which was lovely because Rex and Oscar were already friends before either of them was born. Oscar is only 5 weeks old making him only 6 weeks younger than Rex. He is half Romanian and has a doggy best friend called Yorkie. His hobbies include sleeping and drinking milk. He loves coming into work and having cuddles with everybody. He’s another friend for life for Rex.

And there we have it. Not bad eh? Not even 3 months old and he has 4 best friends already. It’s the best feeling in the world seeing Rex with other babies and youngsters. I know he has no idea what’s going on but to see him grow up with some friends is amazing and I’m sure he will make many more along the way. He’s a lucky boy.

Z

Xxx

Millions of years ago when the world was created and humans became a thing someone up above was sat there thinking these women have life to easy what can we do to make them suffer? I know let’s make them bleed for a week once a month from their dam vagina! Like seriously? What tosser thought that up?

Did we or did we not evolve from monkeys? Do you see monkeys walking around bleeding all over the place? Like hell you don’t! But wait… could it be? yes I’m ashamed to admit I actually googled “do monkeys have periods” ya know as yah do. And to my astonishment monkeys do menstruate!! I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a monkey casually walking round with a tampon stuck up its chuff but hey if google says it’s true then I will go with it.

So basically as you know I had a baby. And we all know what happens when you get pregnant. NO PERIODS!! Wooo get the party poppers and banners out! As we all know periods are pain in the arse, not only do we bleed from our nether region but it hurts, we get sore boobs we get tired and hot and moody we basically turn into hormonal moody bleeding little bitches for a week.

Not having a period for a year had been a very strange experience for me. I’ve had periods like clock work every month since I was about 14. I will never forget that fateful day when I finally became a women and had to tell my mum I got my period. So embarrassed I scuttled downstairs before school with a bright red embarrassed face and just said ” mum I’ve started my period” bless her she rushed off grabbed a load of sanitary towels and packed them in my school bag, me as red as a beetroot not really knowing what to do skipped off to school to start my first day bleeding.

Anyway as I was saying not having a period for a year has been bliss! No more worrying if I’m going to start spontaneously bleeding whilst out and about no more tummy ache and saving money on sanitary products! I could go swimming when ever I liked I could go commando and I did! Just for the hell of it Brilliant!! Even after having the baby I didn’t bleed like most women do because I’d lost so much blood giving birth I basically didn’t bleed at all after. There are some perks to having a rough labour after all!

Until now… exactly a year to the month of getting pregnant and you guessed it my first period decided to make a unannounced appearance after a years vacation! It felt very strange because I’d spent 9 months of praying i wouldn’t see blood in my pants when I went to the toilet and now it’s the opposite I know my body is going back to normal, what ever the hell that means! But and there’s a big but! Nothing quite prepared me for the horror of a first period after giving birth. It’s like Niagara Falls in my knickers! A class of school kids could go rafting in the flow that came out of me. Hold on lads it’s going to be a bumpy ride!! I thought to myself do I brave going out today? What if I bleed all over the place? Sitting on the sofa without leakage is a whole diffrent kettle of fish. Do you remember those giant banana boat pads I told you about? Yeah well they are coming in handy I can tell you!

Not only am I gushing blood from my fanny and panicking everyone is going to see but I am also boiling hot! Mr M has slept on the bedroom floor 2 nights running because he can’t bear to be in bed with me I’m that hot! Genuinely thought I was menopausal at one point like is this really happening? Stop the mentrural train I want to get off!! So right now It’s a period pitty party in my house the sofas are lined with plastic the washing machine is set to hot wash and I have sanitary towels stacked up to the ceiling. That’s right I’ve got a whole years worth of lady juice to catch up on. Did I really just say “lady juice” actually just vommed abit in my mouth there sorry guys my bad!

Anyway I’m sure you’d agree that’s enough period talk for one day. Pregnant ladies remember stock up on products because you will need them sooner or later! Plenty of chocolate to hand and just ride it out!

Z

Xxx

You have to read this to believe it but before you get discharged from hospital after having a baby one of the last things the midwives say to you is… did you know you can get pregnant really easily now so you need to make a appointment to go on contraception.

I mean come on! After Id picked my jaw up from the floor and let it sunk in what she’d actually said to me it’s then I realised they are actually bonkers if they think I’m having sex any time soon! I mean my vagina was cut open and stitched back up for Christ sake!! The thought of sex just makes my fanny shrivel up like a dried prune, if that isn’t off putting enough for Mr M I regularly peed myself a little bit after giving birth. If you really want sex that bad in a time like that then you have serious problems that only a sex addicts anonymous can sort out.

I intend to let my vagina heal after pushing out the bowling ball that was my baby, I was walking like my arsehole had been ripped from arse to ear for a week after giving birth do they seriously think I was going to go home and start having sex? furthermore I’d like to think my other half wouldn’t want any nooky whilst the stitches heal up, it’s not exactly sexy is it!

Picture this right, well maybe not picture it that’s a bit brutal, just listen to what I’m saying, imagine a man having major surgery on his pecker, imagine his penis actually being cut open and stitched back up. What sane doctor would tell said man to not only not have sex for a while but to use contraception? No one! No doctor would ever do that! So why do they assume us women having birthed an entire human been cut and stitched back up would want to have sex in the near future!

Anyway the point of this post is that I’ve Been asked multiple times what contraception or as I call them “Baby Blockers” I want to go on. I mean fair play I’m now 10 weeks post natal, my vagina is mostly healed and back to normal and my arsehole no longer hurts when I go to the toilet so that’s a bonus! So yeah I guess you’d say it would be sensible to go onto some kind of contraception. Have I thought about it? Have i heck! I’ve had more important things to be doing. To be honest I’m happy to go with the good old fashioned withdraw method. Its not ideal and it can get messy but It’s not like Im going to be shagging every night now is it. Mr M is lucky if I’m still awake past 8:30pm let alone anything else!

There’s so many kinds of baby blockers about now, I don’t trust the pill, it fucks with my periods and to be honest I don’t like taking things that mess with my hormones after it taking a while to conceive Rex I’m now really cautious of taking anything that could mess conceiving again! Condoms, because who doesn’t love trying to get that slippery little fucker on in the throws of passion! then there’s Female condoms- do they even exist? I think they are just a rumour as I’ve never ever seen one! The injection, I don’t fancy being jabbed in the arse every few months thankyou very much ! The implant! Ahh this freaks me out! It’s like a microchip for humans floating Benith your skin just there ready to pop up and remind you that you can’t have a baby for 2 years.

After it taking a year to get pregnant the first time and us both not getting any younger I’m not taking any chances. If it happens again soon great if not then we will probably start trying in a year or so anyway.

And that my friends is my view on baby blockers. It’s simple if you don’t want to get pregnant strap it up before you wack it up. And for gods sake let your vagina heal up before you start anything in the bedroom, the last thing we want is anyone ending up in A&E needing to be stitched back up!

Z

Xxx

I don’t know about you larger ladies but I’m fucking fed up of being fat! To the point it’s making me depressed again. But since having Rex I cannot stop eating and the weight is just piling on like nobody’s business. The fatter I get the more I want to comfort eat and the more I comfort eat the fatter I get so im going round in circles !!

Roughly a year and a half ago I had the pleasure of being Called a weighty biscuit by some fucker online. I think his exact words were and I quote “run a full marathon you weighty biscuit” because clearly running a half marathon is easy right? Anyway to hell with that mother fucker, since that time the phrase weighty biscuit has stuck in my head and right now if I was to bump into that prick offline I would probably shake his hand because right now I am a weighty biscuit!

Whenever I comment on how I feel about my weight everybody’s response is YOU’VE JUST HAD A BABY. Yes you are all right I have just had a baby and yes it’s made me fatter than I was before but that doesn’t take away how I feel about myself. So please do me a favour, if I complain about my weight to you please don’t answer with “well you’ve just had a baby” because I might just lose it ! Just lately within the last few weeks I’ve started to notice I’ve really piled on the pounds. I feel so discusting and fat and like everybody is judging me . I walk down the street and get so parioned that everyone is looking at me thinking “wow she’s fat” I feel like my friends are embarrassed to be seen with me and Mr M is stuck with a fat lump that he never signed up for.

Currently I have an extra tyre round my middle, bingo wings grandma would be proud of and an ass the size of Australia. I’m wearing black leggings and unflattering t shirts to hide the enormity that are my giant flabby boobies, my double chin has gone up a size and my ancles have fused to my feet.

It sucks !! And yes I only have myself to blame. If only I stopped shoving those chocolate biscuits down me like a homeless man at a buffet and stopped gorging on pizza and chips like dominos is about to go bust. maybe I would look like I used to. The Zoe that I used to like the one who had will power went on a diet ran regularly and made good life style choices, the Zoe that I used to be proud of, if only I had that umph to do something.

It’s time I took back some self control, it’s time to like the way I look and feel proud of myself again. It’s time to drop the junk and pick up the healthy stuff. It’s time to get my running shoes back on and have an end goal to aim for.

So the fridge is choca with veg and yogurt, the fruit bowl is stacked with delicious fruit, Mr Ms chocolate and biscuits for his lunch box are hidden away in a cupboard and my running shoes are dusted off ready to pound those pavements again. The couch to 5k app is downloaded and ready to go!

This weighty biscuit is gonna give it her all and be the person I used to like again. It’s gonna be hard it’s gonna be painful but it will be worth it to look in the mirror and like how I look! Will I do it? Stay tuned to find out …

Z

Xxx

WERE ALL GOING ON A SUMMER HOLIDAY… is what I’ve been singing the past week getting excited for our first holiday as a family of 3! Booked back in January one of those dirt cheap deals out the sun newspaper a £9:50 holiday. Why they call it a £9:50 holiday is beyond me because it isn’t actually £9:50 because you have to pay for 4 people and by the time they’ve added the service charge and stuff on it’s cranked up to £80. But for 4 nights who can complain !! So we decided to take our dinosaur on tour!

Although we’ve only gone on holiday it feels like we’ve moved house with the amount of crap we’ve lugged along with us. 99% of the car was filled with baby stuff for Rex. But needs must. Bless him he slept most of the way down! A slight grizzle so we pulled over in a layby had a feed and change of nappy and off we went again. Very proud mummy right here.

So here we are… caravan 74 is our home for the next 4 days.

day 1 and ofcorse we just had to visit the beach!! Little tip… don’t take a 8 week old baby on a beach when it’s windy! Sand kept blowing in the poor littleuns face and he wasn’t amused. Here are a few snaps I managed to get before we had to dash off quick.

After a brief look round all the gifty shops and my fave cake shop to pick up a lemon bun! We headed back to number 74 to get ready to go out to the children’s club. How was the children’s club you ask? Pretty naff! I don’t remember the entertainment being that pants when I was a littleun. Anyway we went with it and Rex has his pic taken with the big bear.

Day 2- round of applause to Rex because last night was the second night the little legend slept through!! 2 nights in a row! Touch wood this is a sign of things to come. Up early we had bacon and egg sandwiches for brekki then off we popped down to the swimming pool to take Rex for his first swim!! He didn’t quite know what to make of it, he didn’t cry or smile he just sat there like an absolute lad in his duck having a little kick in the water. Here’s a few pics I managed to get before I got told off for taking photos by the life guard. Naughty mummy!!

After swimming me and Rex had a look round the arcades as daddy doesn’t really like them I saw some dinosaur teddies in a grabber Machien after 30 min and £15 later is still hadn’t won that dam teddy! Out of money back to the caravan we popped then back down into Weymouth for a wonder.

Ofcorse we had to have fish and chips on the seafront for tea! Whilst trying to dodge being attacked by incoming hungry seagulls! 8pm Rex is down for the night and I think I’m coming down with a cold as I’ve been coughing all afternoon now my chest hurts so under a duvet I lay with a cuppa tea.

We spent our last day on holiday having a chilled day because I’ve come down with a cold and Mr M has just realised how hard it is looking after a baby all day. (It’s only taken him 9 weeks!) we had a nice walk down into Weymouth to buy gifts for our 2 little nephews then went for dinner on our holiday park we had the most luxurious dessert ever! you need a ladder to get to the top of the burger Mr M ordered !

And there we go that’s Rex’s very first holiday done!

Over and out

Z

Xxx