Luckily for you my loyal readers who keep coming back for more tales of my crazy life I’ve not treated you to any stories about my magical healing vagina for quite some time. Well I’ve got a treat in store for you guys so sit down get comfy and be prepared to laugh cry and cringe all together as I share my story of a situation that I found myself in yesterday!!

So for those of you who don’t know basically after you’ve had a baby your fanny is stretched to shit and your lucky if your guts don’t spill out everytime you bend over. I can see you at the back cringing as you read this but you all know me by now I don’t sugar coat anything! It really is such a magical time! So not only is your usually tight vagina now flapping in the wind your bladder decideds it’s feeling left out and must join your other bodily functions and really fuck up your day on a daily basis.

Now they tell you in the hospital to do pelvic floor excersises for a good reason. A very good reason in fact shall I tell you what it is? SO YOU DONT PISS YOURSELF! And boy don’t you know it if you’ve been slacking on the old pelvic excersises.

For those of you who know me know that I don’t hold back on much so here’s my story of the “sneeze wee”

One upon a time I got pregnant had a baby and ruined my fanny. Thinking I knew better than the doctors advice I accidentally on purpose “forgot” to do my pelvic floor excersises. (Don’t do the same as me ladies I beg of you) many many months after ripping my vagina from ear to ear I experienced what only can be described as a sneeze wee! And as you can expect it does exactly what it says on the tin!

There I am at work bending down in the most vubarable position ever to experience what can only be described as the biggest fucking sneeze I’ve ever done in my entire life, knelt down with no give in my bladder what so ever… AHH CHOO!!

Spillage in aisle 3!! For a brief moment I thought I’d sneezed so hard I’d gone to heaven, only to be brought back down to earth with an almighty bang and huge wet patch in my underpants!! oh my fucking god I’ve actually just pissed myself, not only have I just pissed myself but I’ve done it AT WORK where I have no spare clothes or anywhere to hide my wet sorry ass until I could dry off. Oh god how the mighty have fallen. Running to the toilet to asses the situation and see how bad the damage was I could have cried. Pacing in the toilet trying to think what the fuck am I going to do? Can I sneak my pants in the tumble dryer? Can I just bin them and go commando and hope nobody sees my ass through the god awful transparent black leggings I decided to wear this morning ?!

What else could I do but carry on like I hadn’t just pissed my pants in the middle of a shift? and hope to god they dry off naturally and I don’t walk around smelling like a tramps chip paper. Never did I see the day where my 31 year old self would be hiding in the ladies loo crying over a pair of wet knickers. Needless to say I had no choice but to carry on like nothing had happend and run home at my given opportunity to change my pissy pants and forget this situation ever happend.

So in summery, pelvic floor excersises are literary a life and death situation don’t forget to do them!! If there’s a lesson to be learnt after all this id say NEVER bend down and sneeze at the same time because that’s just asking for trouble! And invest in some decent leggings not the cheap primark shite I wore on this fateful day.

Z

Xxx

I’m going to make this post short and sweet ..

I am really excited to be writing this because it’s exactly a year ago today that I started my blog! And what a year it’s been. I’ve been fat, pregnant, tired, and in labour. I’ve had mental breakdowns and laughed more than I ever have, I’ve cried myself to sleep and gained 2 stone in weight I’ve pissed myself and almost poo’d myself in the middle of Sainsbury’s. I’ve had tantrums and sleepless nights But the most important thing is I created the most Amazing little boy and every second of pain and upset has been worth it.

So let me take you back to last year February 2019. Id always wanted to write a blog that people could follow and read but I never had anything to write about. Then one day after a very long shitty hospital appointment I came home and hid under my bed covers and sobbed my heart out because they had made me feel so shitty about myself and my weight. I still hold a grudge now with chipping norton hospital for that.

Anyway I let myself be upset for a few hours then I thought fuck it, I’m not letting these fuckers get me down… I’m going to make a blog and tell everyone what it’s really like being pregnant. And hell have I opened up to you guys! maybe a little bit to much sometimes (sorry not sorry) but hey what’s the point is trying to make something sound amazing when your really hiding the truth? I was so sick of reading online how other women make pregnancy look so glamorous and how it’s all perfect. Sorry to break it to you but even Celebrities are destined to experience the unplesenturies of pregnancy birth and motherhood.

Weirdly this blog has also helped me cope mentally with everything I’ve been through in the past year. Opening up to you guys and telling my stories really keeps me on the straight and narrow I get so much inspiration from other mums and things I see happening around me, writing my life down for you all to read makes me feel a little less alone and for that I Thank you. I get so much inspiration from every day happenings and that’s how I write my blog, as soon as something funny or embarrassing happens Rather than hiding out of sheer embarrassment I don’t dwell on it I go straight into blog writing mode to tell the world because hey who else do I have to tell when I almost crap myself in the middle of a supermarket except the whole internet? I really couldn’t of done it without you guys! All the amazing messages I’ve received is just so overwhelming and I can’t Thankyou all enough.

So there we have it. A whole year of writing I Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everybody’s support and all the time taken to read my material it really means a lot. I’ve got a couple of funny posts coming soon so don’t go anywhere and heres to another year of blogging!!

Z

Xxx

Firstly I’d like to apologise for being absent on the blog recently. Life’s been pretty hetic and writing the blog just slipped my mind. But lucky for you guys I’m back with some stories to tell!

I guess I can officially call Rex a toddler now! At 7 and a half months he’s crusing around like he Owns the gaff! The clever little sod mastered crawling at 5 months so by now we have (I think) baby proofed the house to the best of our ability. As always you “think” you’ve done everything possible to stop grubby little hands touching things they shouldn’t but they always seem to find a way! If he’s not pulling all the DVDs out of my cabinet he’s pulling all the cushions off my sofa. I call him the human tornado!

Is it just my baby or do all baby’s want everything they shouldn’t have? Rex was spoilt over Christmas with all the toys you could imagine from buzz lightyears to bricks and teddy’s, but no who needs toys when you can play with a old cheesy sock? Rex’s personal favourite is the tv remote. Where there’s a will there’s a way and he always finds a way to get hold of that remote no Matter how high up I hide it. Even more so when it’s something I really want to watch! This child knows what he wants in life and he’s not shy of going for it. Other Rexs favourites include- the bin, the hoover , shoes, boxes, clothes and the mop. what can I say he’s a complex fellow.

Mums of boys can vouch for me here… as soon as my little chap is naked what’s the first thing he does? Plays with his little willy. It’s like ooooo what’s this? I never get to see this I better grab it as much as I can now before mum puts my nappy back on! Oh the hours we spend laughing as he try’s to work out what’s the weird little thing between his legs it really is hilarious. Have you tried getting a nappy on a wriggling 7 month old who thinks it’s a game and just wants to get away. The only solution we’ve come up with it letting him hold something whilst we struggle to get him dressed.

As i said before we’ve mastered the art of crawling. Next on the agenda was pulling himself up on the furniture which really didn’t take long to master. The genius that he is can also walk along the furnature now to. Who knew it would be so much fun climbing up on the coffee table and trying to yank my curtains off the wall? I may be biast but I really think he is so forward with his development. I 100% think he will be walking before he turns 1!

As we all know toddlers love to put EVERYTHING in their mouths and my boy is no exception Christ you have to have eyes in the back of your head with this one. I can clean and tidy for hours and he will straight away sniff out something I’ve missed and put it straight in his gob. As we are talking about putting things in mouths let’s move onto food. So Rex is now on solids. It’s mainly fruit purée and other pouches I pick up in Aldi which are a really grate way to start the weening process. He loves a rusk. Approach those buggers with caution thou youl be washing rusk out the carpet for the next year!! I get baby crisps from Aldi which as essentially large wotsits and he loves them. We did try the little mini baby rice cakes but after one unfortunate Incident I won’t be buying those again. He managed to get one so soggy that he fitted the whole rice cake in his mouth and was gagging because he couldn’t get it out. It frightened me to death so we won’t be having those again. It’s really a case of trial and error with starting solids, one thing I will say Is you tend to waste quite abit of food whilst they decide what they do and don’t like. I may do a blog post at a later date all about starting solids so keep your eyes peeled for that.

All in all Rex is one very happy little chappy, nothing phases him, we’ve had numerous bumps on the head where he’s fell down but he gets straight back up and carries on, he’s very very happy and smiley and genuinely very easy to manage. He’s the light of my life and watching him grow is just the best experience of my life.

Z

Xxx

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So just incase you didn’t know Rex will be 6 months old next week. I know right! Time fly’s when you are sleep deprived and having fun!! Anyway my boy is actually very clever for his very little age. His CV of life is gaining some badass skills. This kid is going places!

He mastered sitting up around a month ago. Annoyingly he started siting up a week after we’d had a Christmas photoshoot done where we had to sit him up and quickly dash so the photographer could catch it. As you can imagine we’ve had a few bumped heads in the month of learning to sit up, luckily for Rex he is very robust and tends to dent the floor rather then injure himself. Making life a lot easier as I can leave him sat playing on the floor whilst I can get some jobs done.

Have I told you he has teeth? Yes! 2 big white smashers right at the front. And don’t we know about it! The poor soul has really suffered with his toothy pegs. Now as we learn as parents we learn the knack of getting calpol in successfully with no major incidents. If you’re a parent to a teething baby youl know exactly what I’m talking about! Wham bam wipe it on the curtains no messing about in my household.

The most important thing is DRUMB ROLL today HE CRAWLED!! The moment we’ve all been waiting for! Weeks of shuffling around on his bum like a retarded chimpanzee trying his best at crawling but not quite getting it. After weeks of wanting to get at our Christmas tree today all his dreams came true when he decided he was going to crawl over and yank the fucker right over on himself!

That will teach mummy and daddy for taking their eyes off him for a second to celebrate the momentous occasion of him being mobile. Something tells me this is just the start of things to come. Suddenly all the things in my house have been moved to higher ground for its own safety. Once the menace that is Rex gets his grubby hands on my stuff it will never be seen in one peice Again!!

Today the stair gate went up and I’m about to order some plug covers and cupboard clips. Baby proofing the house is our priority this weekend.

As we are very pleased and proud of his achievement today we are on full alert at all times now ready should he pounce on something he shouldn’t!! At 5 months old and already crawling I think this is a sign of things to come for my very clever little dinosaur. Watch this space!

Z

Xxx

It’s New Year’s Eve 2019. Rather then going out and getting smashed I’m at home trying everything possible to get my baby to poo. The pour wee soul has had extreme constipation since Christmas Day which was almost a week ago!!

To bring you up to speed with what’s been happening. My boy sometimes suffers with abit of constipation every now and again which is more annoying than anything it doesn’t really bother him most of the time.

Except for right now he’s having a hella time with his bottom habbits! It all started one week ago on Christmas Day where he had an almighty explosion and us not knowing this would be his last deposit for almost a week. If only we knew what lay ahead for us over the next 7 days!

A week of his poor wee tummy giving him so much pain, trying his best to shift that shit and getting nowhere fast. Ofcorse we tried everything possible to get that poo moving in the right direction lots of hard work with zero results. Supposedly cooled boiled water is the thing that gets that poo popping, water wasn’t on our side during the shitting saga. We already had some medicine from a previous bout of constipation he endured a few weeks ago. Even that didn’t work. Carrying on with advice we’d been given by so many diffrent people and still that shit would not budge.

4-5 days in and things were getting pretty desperate, he’s completely off his milk. At his worst he only had half a bottle in 24 hours! There’s one thing I can say I’d never thought I’d be doing was late night massaging of my baby’s tummy trying to dam hardest to get him to poop!! Poor Rex was in so much pain and discomfort he’d be up all night screming and wincing my heart broke for him. Me and Mr M completely exhausted, me on the verge of a nervous breakdown so sleep deprived and sobbing at every given opportunity it’s so hard to feel like this when I know it’s not his fault and he’s the one suffering. I really thought we weren’t going to survive this week.

By day 6 I’d decided enough was enough and I had a telephone call with the doctor who prescribed some stronger medicine to help get things moving. I really didn’t have much hope that anything was going to work. I had visions of him having to have some kind of procedure to get all the poo out. Or me having to stick my finder up his bum hole !

So the new medicine we have to try and syringe into his mouth twice a day. Hardest thing to do ever! Half of it ends up on the carpet so you can imagine what a delight this is trying to get it into him twice a day.

Anyway I HAVE NEWS…. finally 8 days in and that almighty shit has been shifted! That’s right we’ve pooed! Total elation in our household. Party banners and the lot came out to celebrate Rexs bowel movements. Finally he’s in no more pain no more screaming all day and night and I might beable to get some sleep at night!

Well done Rex for shifting that shit

Z

Xxx

It’s around 4pm on Christmas Day and we’ve just had our second meltdown of the day. Mums holding the baby whilst I get 10 min to myself.

We all look forward to baby’s first Christmas the expectation of taking cute photos of the baby dressed up, helping baby open presents and playing with all the toys whilst family look on with smiles and laughter, that’s what every babys first Christmas Is like right?

WRONG! If anyone tells you that’s how their first Christmas with a baby went then they are 300% telling porkie pies. I write this as I’m holding back the tears and tired of pretending to have a good day when all I want to do is go home get in my pjs and go to bed.

Let’s go back to yesterday. Christmas Eve 2019 when I started to get worried about how baby would behave on Christmas Day as he’s been playing up a lot recently. Bed time comes and so far so good. This is where I first went wrong when I expected a good nights sleep. The reality was 1am was my first wake up call of the evening bottle bum change and straight back to sleep. 4am comes my second wake up, unfortunately for me Rex would not go back to sleep. Exhausted and desperately wanting sleep I’m crying already praying to god that Rex is well behaved today. Wishing I could just snuggle up and go back to sleep.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! As were all up we made a start on presents early, I got very spoiled. Rex successfully opened some of his own presents.

The usual tradition still stands of starting Christmas morning at my mums then off to my mother in laws then back to my mums for dinner. It’s hectic but it works for us. Rex was impeccabley behaved throughout the morning happily opening presents (with some help) lunch time beckons Happily playing in his high hair as we are about to tuck into our turkey and stuffing. The second I take my first mouthfull. Que Rex.. I barely even had a chance to digest my chipolatas when he started. God Job I’m used to cold dinners now as I try and settle him whilst everyone else is tucking in. His screams defan the house as everyone is chowing down on turkey and roast potatoes and I just want to run away from it all and let everyone have a nice Christmas. My Christmas dinner wasn’t quite the same cold and stale 😞

Rex completely shattered didnt nap atall today. Maybe I’m in for a good nights sleep? That’s wishful thinking if you ask me. So being a baby and doing what he does best rex just continued to grizzle scream and cry for most of the afternoon making it very uncomfortable for me having everyone watch me try to settle him. At this point I’m trying my best not to burst into tears everyone can see I’m getting flustered and all I can think about is going home. I can see the look on everyone’s faces wondering why I’m getting so annoyed and upset which is making me worse.

So we collect up our mountain of presents stack the car to and inch of its life and doddle off home where by this time Rex is so exhausted he’s compleatly flat out. And goes straight to bed! HURRAH!! I can finally sit down and actually look at some of the presents I got and tidy away.

Is it just me or does everyone want to know how baby’s first Christmas was? Ofcorse you have to lie and say it was great just to sound like a good parent. We darent admit what a shambles it really was.

Having a baby is hard, we expect things to be as normal after having a baby. I thought I was invincible and could do anything with my baby In tow! Oh how wrong could I be. I love Rex to bits he’s my world but occasions like today are a lot of hard work and very very tireing. All in all we had a good Christmas we all got very spoilt.

Expectation 1-0 Reality

Z

Xxx

It’s one thing having to deal with the utter shitfest that is having a period every month , it’s another thing dealing with the ability to spontaionly combust and start bleeding unannounced in public.

If Period talk makes you feel queasy then I suggest you stop here. Because things are about to get messy! You know me I don’t hold back on much! Trust me Lads if you ever want sex again I suggest you don’t read ahead.

Anyway… I’ve been as regular as clock work since 14. Me and my periods made a pack that’s never been broken. It’s like a relationship you build up over time, Yeah I get the odd bit of pain here and there but who doesn’t? As strange as this sounds it felt oddly weird when I got pregnant and suddenly I didn’t have to worry about my monthly’s !! I swear the first 3 months of pregnancy I was strutting my stuff walking around with no knickers on.

You all know i suffer with mild anixety, after finding out I was growing a baby literary everytime I went to the toilet for the next 9 months I checked to see if I was bleeding out of total and utter fear of the worst happening. Bleeding during pregnancy “can” be compleatly normal. Having said that any pregnant women reading this please don’t take my word for it and get it checked ASAP if you experience any bleeding during pregnancy just to be on the safe side.

So just to gross you out even more than I already have I’m gonna shed some light on what it’s like after the birth!! Now i had heard some horror stories and I mean HORROR STORIES! Of what comes out of your baby gate after delivery and the coming months. And I’m talking get the arm bands and rubber ring at the ready for the gush of bloody mess that’s about to drop from your poor battered old fanny.

So being as prepared as I could I stocked up on all the necessary sanitary wear to try and mop up the gushing mess that was my vagina, little fact for you.. I’ve never used a tampon in my life! Who wants to walk around with a cotton wool sausage stuck up their chuff all day? I was very pleasantly suprised to find that as id lost so much blood during delivery that there actually wasn’t much left to vacate the building. Yay!! SPOILER ALERT. I lost 2 litres of blood when they so gently ripped that baby from my now fragile fanny which I didn’t find out about until days after and realised 2 litres is like one of those big bottles of coke!! Anyway back to the important stuff, So basically I had no bleeding after having the baby unlike some unlucky ladies who have the niagra falls turn up in their knickers.

So as I’m minding my own business wondering when my body was going to grace me with the glorious monthly presence of bleeding for a week.BAM. There it is. Then one unsuspecting day where I’m just minding my own business, and I go to the loo and I’m like WTF is this? Another period? I’ve only just had one. So I went with it as you do to see what would happen, the days went by and yep still bleeding like a dying bear. Ermmm HELLO? What’s going on here? I didn’t agree to this. Thinking it was a one off I put the past behind me and once again the mother fucked sprung on me the following month! Is it normal to have 2 periods a month? Am I dying a slow monthly death?Should I be some weird science experiment?

Fast forward now to 5 months post natal. Knowing the monthly monster is about to spring up on me, prepared for battle I’m ready to go! Period? Are you there? I’ve only gone and fucking skipped a period! Wtf is going on? Sitting at the kitchen table tapping my fingers looking at the clock, will it ever show up? Am I safe to leave the safe sanitary towel confindes of my own house, will I spontaneously start bleeding on the bus? It’s a risk I’m prepared to take! I’m a busy women I don’t wait around for nobody.

And that my friends is my story of the bleeding nightmare of post natal bleedige. If I’ve learnt anything it’s always be prepared!!

Z

Xxx

My little Rex has had a hard few weeks bless him. As these cold winter months hit us like a train we as parents are going to experience the dreaded colds and illness!!

Hopefully this post can help you mums and dads deal with the winter nasties.

A lot of babies including Rex suffer with Unknown constipation. The pour wee soul can go days and days without pushing one out. You can see how uncomfortable he is by screming and pushing his legs up and down, you can see him straining trying to get that massive poo out but nothing happens. I’ve been told that cold boiled water should help this situation. Me being me didn’t listen to advice and just marched him straight down the Doctors. So confirmation from the doctor that yes Rex needs a really big shite, we come away with some medicine to help make him go.

To be taken twice a day untill he finally dumps his load, taken by syringe which as you can imagine Rex absolutly loves. (Not!!) when you’ve got a sick baby who needs medicine you suddenly turn into some kind of sniper ready for battle, as soon as that mouth opens it’s GO GO GO!! There’s no greater feeling that the accomplishment of smugly getting that medicine in your baby’s mouth without them spitting it out.

Sometimes it can start as diarrhoea in the doctors words ” it builds up behind the solid poo and comes through the sides” glorious!! Believe me you know about it when it finally comes! Wrap up the furnature and Jet wash at the ready!!

Rex is now on his 3rd Cold of his short life so far. There isn’t really any remedies for colds for babies except calpol and lots of snuggles. Just be prepared to be showered in snot and coughed and sneezed on like a rabid dog! Rex is getting pretty impressive with his snot bubbles! He’s aquired the name “snot monkey” at the moment. It’s flowing out of him like lava!

The winter nasties are are in full swing this year so batten down your hatches and stock up on calpol you’re in for a bumpy ride!!

Z

Xxx

It’s been 5 months since I pushed a 7.8 pounder out of my nether region and i am very impressed I’ve had no major breakdowns in the glorious 5 months of motherhood so far.

Until now… let me introduce you to the mummy who’s losing her marbles! That’s me! Crikey it’s all going on, I don’t know weather I’m coming or going at the moment. I thought newborn state was hard thats got nothing on what’s happening right now.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when things took a turn for the worse down shit hole lane, I’m still stuck down the dead end unable to turn around and make a swift exit. Now anyone who knows me knows that I can be a bit scatty at the best of times, even more so when I’ve got a screming 5 month old ( who by the way CANNOT be left unattended even for a second anymore) but that’s a story for another day!

So pretty much most days now I’m juggling a screaming baby, trying to do the housework, trying to feed and water myself all the while my washing is piled high my tea is burning and my washing up water has gone cold before I’ve even started because the baby will not give over for 1 second!! I’m lucky if I get to wipe my own arse at the moment.

Teatime is as ever a momentous occasion, baby’s routine is bed by 7 whilst mummy cooks tea, this week however the little sod is playing on mummy’s stress of trying to keep the house running smoothly and takes a whole hour to get to sleep after being put to bed. Like HELLO !! Mummy’s trying to keep this house is one peice, I’m running upstairs in between each mouthful of my dinner trying to settle the blubbering mess that is my child.

By the time the little devil has fallen asleep I just about have time to run a bath tidy up quickly and go to bed. This week however has just been one big nightmare that I cannot wake up from. We have numerous apparatus that can hold the petulant child, will he sit and play sitting in his chair or his play center? Will he buggery. Didn’t you know it’s more fun to be held by mummy especially when she’s got things to do? Apparently it is.

My marbles are well and truley lost, I’m sprinting between rooms trying to do things in the fastest time possible and failing miserably. Rex however is having a great time watching his mum lose her shit.

The thing to top all this off is when rex goes to one of his nanny’s whilst I go to work he behaves impeccably! If that isn’t a kick in the teeth enough when ever we grace the great outdoors with our presence all anyone says is “oh what a happy baby” “what a good boy” meanwhile in the back ground in scowling thinking if only you knew!!

Despite everything , the days he’s being a litte sod, the days I sit and cry thinking I cannot cope, the sleepless nights and the constant whinging and crying, I love my boy more then anything in the world. Nothing could ever stop me loving my perfect boy.

Just learn to behave a bit better for mummy please Rex!

Z

Xxx