The Z word

Category: new mum

  • Eczema, Milk and More

    So River bless her has been struggling quite badly recently with some skin problems . It all started a few months ago when she drank her milk it would drip down and sit in the folds in her neck making it red and saw. I tried my best with bibs and muslins but it still somehow made her neck really very sore so naturally we tried bathing it in plain water and using vaseline. But honestly it just got worse and worse so I made a doctors appoiment in hopes they could maybe give some cream to help which they did and it did actually help to begin with.

    But here we are months later and her skin is the worst I’ve ever seen it, absolutely red raw, bleeding and wounded so much so I have to wrap her hands up so stop her scratching and making it bleed, it’s just heartbreaking to see and it’s really painful for her. After a couple more trips to the doctor we finally got a diagnosis of eczema. You could have wiped the floor with me. I was shocked, saddened and absolutely panicking like fuck because for those who don’t know my brother had one of the most severe cases of eczema, he was covered from head to toe, he really did suffer bless him. So naturally my anxiety is in overdrive worrying so much that she’s going to be that bad. Im still trying to keep myself grounded with the whole situation but as any parent would know you worry about everything when it comes to your kiddies.

    Her poor neck

    So she got prescribed some steriod cream and some moisturiser which really started to work, the redness went down and she stopped itching. But someone somewhere decided this wasn’t the end of our story and it came back with a vengeance, we’re currently dealing with what looks like an open wound, gosh it looks so sore. All week I’ve been trying to speak to a bloody doctor then last night enough was enough I rang and explained the situation and they said call back exactly 8am in the morning. So 8am comes and I’m first in line… that like never happens!! So I give her details and reason blah blah … Receptionist: is it urgent for today? Im a pretty laid back person but I nearly lost my shit at her. Yes it’s bloody important I’ve got a 6 month old in a right old state and she NEEDS seeing. Anyway they managed to fit us it “magically….”

    So basically she’s been checked head to toe by the doctor and it’s even started coming up on her arms now, we discussed all her symptoms and agreed that she is going to be tried on goats milk formula , because (I didn’t know this) but a cows milk allergy can make eczema flare up. So we left the appoitment with a prescription for some goats milk, an antibiotic cream for her neck and some oral antibiotics for an ear infection the doctor picked up whilst checking her over. Ofcorse as we know not everything always goes to plan and the baby formula isn’t in stock at the chemist till Tuesday (it’s now Friday) somehow we made it through the weekend with just the cream and antibiotics for her ear and I’m actually really bloody amazed at how quickly her neck has cleared up! Considering I didn’t pick the cream up till Saturday and it’s now Monday the redness around her neck has pretty much disappeared and she is a really happy baby which she hasn’t been for such a long time, I don’t think we quite knew how much her skin was hurting/itching her.

    Just look at the difference a few days make on the right cream and antibiotics.

    Fast forward a week or so and here we are. I must apologise for misleading you when I said she had been prescribed goats milk. It’s not actually goats milk it’s a cows milk protein allergy milk. What ever the fuck that is but it’s working so what does it matter. So we cracked on with the new milk. Making the first bottle up and I’m thinking what the fuck is this milky shite! It was grey in colour and thin as water, it stunk and I already knew she wasn’t going to drink it, thinking I had made a mistake I tossed the milk and made another bottle only for it to turn out exactly the same as the shitty stuff I had just made. Am I making this wrong? Wtf is going on here. Anyway I had to give it a go and as soon as the bottle touched her lips she turned her head in disgust and looked at me like I’d tried to feed her dog shit.

    Right. Back to square one. Some people said persevere she will have it when she’s hungry but I just couldn’t so I did the only professional thing I knew and took to good old Facebook! Where I spoke to a handful of really kind parents, giving me advice and Information, which I have to say a massive thanks to those people because without them I would never have known that you can buy a milk thickener to thicken it up so it doesn’t look like dog piss. GREAT! so I went to the shops, actually every shop I could get to and none of the fuckers had it on the shelves! Scratching my head wondering what the hell to do I decided to try Burford chemist and they said they could order me a box. Fantastic! But it was a 2 day wait. It’s like taking 2 steps forward and one step back. Another couple of days on the cows milk then till I can get my box of milk thickener. Days past and I finally got my hands on that box of what I now call gold dust! Because one scoop of that added into a bottle and she downs it like she’s on a night out in Ibiza!

    Things were finally settling down, Rivers skin was a lot better, her diarrhoea tthat I actually forgot to mention earlier had completely stopped. So this milk was clearly working! Things were all good in the world again untill I went to pick up her next prescription to be told it hadn’t been delivered….. urgh ok all they could do was give me the prescription and I could take it to any chemist. Carterton had none in stock, 2 places in Witney were closed and I ended up finding some in boots! What a bloody nightmare. After telling the doctor about my ordeal trying to get hold of this milk she prescribed 6 tins! So we aren’t running out anytime soon!

    Anyways currently she’s on this milk, doctor wants me to introduce dairy in 2 weeks time to see if her symptoms return, then if they unfortunately do she will be refurred to a baby dietitian. Sadly I accidently gave River a spoonful of yogurt the other day and it made her quite porley so I think it’s safe to say she has got a dairy allergy. Thankfully her doctor said they usually do grow out of it so we will just have to see what happens.

    Z

    Xxx

  • Boobie VS bottle

    Before I start this post I’d like to let you know that this post is about breast feeding and will contain pictures of me breast feeding so if you don’t want to see that I suggest you stop reading now…

    I’m not afraid to say that I’ve always been a bit creeped out by breast feeding. To quote Rachel green “it’s juice squeezed from a person” so I’d already decided whilst I was pregnant i was going to bottle feed so we bought all the bits we needed to beable to do that.

    Then things took abit of a turn for me. It was mine and Rivers second night in hospital and we were having a really nice cuddle as you do and she kept going for my breast. So I thought heck what do I have to lose so I whopped it out and she started feeding straight away. And it felt like the most natural thing in the world we sat there for a good 40 or so minutes and it was a moment I will never forget it felt so special and I was quite proud of myself.

    Rivers first feed 💕

    And so i carried on when I could as-well as giving formula so I guess I’m officially mixed feeding. River latched on so well and would feed for a good hour at a time. For personal reasons I felt I couldn’t exclusively breast feed so I mainly did a few small feeds during the day and always one big one right before she’d go to bed and that was my favourite feed of the day. Me and her snuggled up together in bed having a feed. Gosh I was so proud of myself. To go from 100% not wanting to breast feed to now enjoying it and being proud of myself is something i never thought id say.

    On returning home I did find it a little more difficult to find the time to breast feed as having a 4 year old to run around after and a house to clean and tidy I struggled but ploughed through but the feeds did get less and less. The midwives did keep warning me that if I didn’t feed more my milk supply would dry up but I just couldn’t do anymore than I was already doing.

    This picture speaks a thousand words.

    Coming up to week 3 of River being born and I started to feel abit achey and get a sore throat but I just thought it was a cold coming. Anyway the following day oh my gosh I was in agony. My throat was so swollen I couldn’t swallow anything not even a tablet I had to crush them up in a cup of tea to get them down me. My ears were so fucking painful and I was going hot and cold something terrible. Oh god I’ve only got the bloody flu haven’t I!! How the heck am I going to look after 2 kids with the flu!! Anyway on discharge from the hospital you get given a form of symptoms such a bleeding heavily, vomiting and flu like symptoms ect ect and if you experience any of these in the first 12 weeks of going home to call the maternity unit. So I did. But they agreed it just sounded like the flu. Anyway that night was absolutly horrendous! I was going hot and cold all night long I was sweating that much my bed sheets were soaked and I had to take them off to wash. God I was rough. Then the next day I spotted some red blotches on one of my breasts and that to was also on the list of things to call in for. So again I called up and explained what was happening and this time they actually took me serious and told me to pack and over night bag and come in for some antibiotics as it looks like I’ve got an infection in my breast (Mastitas) now your probably wondering why I’m telling you about the flu when this is a story about breast feeding. Well if you develop mastitas (The breast infection) the symptoms are just like the flu. Hot and cold sweats etc.

    So off we went up the JR to get seen it took forever shock horror and there was a poor women in the waiting area in Labour which wasn’t a nice thing to witness. Anyhow I got called into a room where I had some observations done blood pressure temperature and pulse plus a blood test to check for infection. Then a really lovely doctor came round eximaned my breasts and found that actually it wasn’t mastitis but it was in fact a blocked milk duct. But she wasn’t happy that that was the cause of my infection so I had to have an examination down below with a speculum she took some swabs and thinks I possibly have an infection in my womb or uterus. The good news is as long as my temperature doesn’t spike I can go home with antibiotics. Which is what ended up happening.

    The bad part of this story is that I’ve had to make the decision to stop breast feeding. I’ve been finding it very difficult to keep up with demand. And sadly I haven’t been feeding enough which is why I ended up getting a blocked duct. I’m so incredibly sad I can’t stop crying I feel such a failure I wanted to continue with it longer but I just can’t for my own mental and physical health I have to stop. I’m absolutely gutted to say the least but in the long run I know I’ve made the right decision. I realise the option to express was there but that really wasn’t for me plus by the time a breast pump had been delivered I don’t think I’d have any milk left. Lessons have been learned if there should be the opportunity for me to try breast feeding in the future.

    One day I will look back on this experience and realise how proud of myself I am for giving it a shot and who knows if baby number 3 comes along I might get a second shot at it. But for now I turn the page on my breast feeding story and say I tried.

    Z

    Xxx

  • Chuffing hell…

    Hello 36 weeks!!

    How are we here already? It only feels like yesterday I was sat on the loo pants round my ankles staring at that test with the 2 lines knowing my life was about to change forever.

    We’ve had a few bumps along the way it’s been a long old road this time but fear not we are finally nearing the end. After finishing work yesterday I feel pretty relaxed and ready to rest up.

    The first day of maternity leave is spent up the hospital again for my 36 week growth scan, if you’ve been following my journey from the start you’d know there’s been a few little hiccups happening. One of them being baby possibly not growing as she should so it’s meant extra checks and extra scans but thankfully I can tell you she’s absolutely perfect. And after todays result I can confirm she’s weighing in at 5lb 13!! She’s predicted to be a similar weight to Rex who was 7lb 8oz. Which is a massive sign of relief for my fanny knowing I’m not going to be forcing a 10 pounder out!

    But todays story isn’t over quite yet. Oh no. In true Zoe fashion there’s always got to be a little added drama thrown in for the thrill of it. So off I went up the hospital (On the bus) heavily pregnant like the sassy independent queen I am. I got there a tad early so went to drop off some hats that people have been knitting for the babies born here.

    To my suprise my appointment was running on time! This like NEVER happens. I had a really lovely lady so up I jumped on the bed, belly full of jelly and she starts scanning away. She can see the head, spine toes and everything inbetween! All looks great which I’m super happy about obviously!

    Now I told you nothing ever goes down without some form of drama and todays suprise sprung on me right at the last moment was going to be an INTERNAL scan. Oh fuck my life! I felt the life drain out of me when she said she needs to go diving in knees deep internally to get a good look at the placenta! I was SOOOOO not prepared for this to be happening today I mean abit of prior warning would have been nice but we will just go with it and see what happens. I mean I’ve not got round to shaving my chuff or anything yet! I thought I had a good few weeks before some poor soul had the pleasure of looking at my down stairs. And I’m pretty sure my legs ain’t seen a razor in a long while due to the fact that I can’t reach a fucking thing below my belly! So the sonographer was in for a real treat.

    So here we go get ready! in enters another nurse because they need to have a chaperone these days. Fucking Marvelous just what I clearly need ANOTHER person to witness this monstrosity! Deep breath, knickers down, feet up, legs wide open for the whole of Oxford to see and in she goes. Ummmm yeah somewhat mildly entertaining/ humiliating but hey I’ve got worse to come in a few short weeks! Lead on my back staring up at the celing tiles trying not to think about the massive probe thingey I’ve got shoved up my chuff I actually felt very vulnerable and tearful but then after a couple of minutes I realised hey I can write a blog about this and it will all be ok, that’s the power of writing you see, when you blog about difficult shit like this you feel that little bit less alone and it’s you guys I have to thank for getting me through situations like this one.

    After a good old rummage around up the cave of doom and she’s done and can confirm the placenta is in the right place! Phew! One less thing to worry about. Now to get my pants back on as quickly as possible and claw back any dignity I have left in this room before I have to shamelessly get the bus home again.

    Wiping the jelly off me and pulling my knickers up as fast as humanly possible I think I’ve managed to retain some dignity and make it back to the bus stop in one peice. The walk of shame to the bus stop if only everyone passing me knew what had just happend I’m quietly laughing in my head about it all.

    So that ladies and gentleman is it! My last scan before little lady enters the world. Ahhhh!! Someone please remind me to tidy up my lady area before the big event in a few weeks!

    Catch up soon.

    Z

    Xxx

  • Reduced movement. what to do if it happens to you.

    I am finally home from a long not so nice day and I’d like to tell you all about it. I’ve not been sleeping very well lately with one thing or another playing on my mind, mostly thinking about my brother but secondly I am over obsessing with a couple of little problems I’m having during this pregnancy. Problems being baby measuring to small and having an abnormality with her heartbeat. But that’s another story for another day.

    My baby is like her mum, she likes to sleep during the day and come alive at night, usually starting her little kicking party as soon as I get into bed. It’s almost become routine now that the second I lay down in bed she starts. But 2 days ago I noticed she’d been abit quiet, the odd little flutter here and there which could easily be mistaken for something else but that was it. I thought nothing of it. Untill the second night when again she just wasn’t there, that’s when the fear kinda set in and I started jiggling my tummy around to get her to move but still nothing. Now I’m really fucking panicking, thinking all sorts. It was the middle of the night so all i could do was try and go to sleep and stop being such a worry wart but that’s easier said then done when you live inside my head so after not much sleep and a lot of thinking the worst I finally got a few hours kip.

    Anyway the morning came around and I just couldn’t stop wondering if she was okay or not. My anxiety was taking over and I’d already decided in my head that something wasn’t right but I went to work and tried to keep busy but all day in the back of my head I kept telling myself I had to do something. But at the same time I don’t want to waste anybody’s time. But the thoughts just didn’t go away so I rang the lovely community midwife team and they told me to go up to Witney hospital to get checked over.

    I had such a lovely midwife, honestly made me feel so comfortable and reassured me. She done a few measurements of my stomach and other bits then she put the machine on me to find the heart beat and sure enough BOOM BOOM BOOM there she was! I immediately burst into tears I just felt so emotional and silly and relieved but glad I’d done the right thing. All through the appointment the midwife assured me I did the right thing in getting checked and deep down I knew she was right. The midwife reckons baby is laying with her back to my tummy which could be why I’m not feeling her move because she’s kicking the inside of me and not the outside but she said if im still worried over the weekend to go back. Which made me feel so much better feeling like I’d wasted their time.

    So I’d really like to just give some little facts about reduced movement in pregnancy that I’ve taken from the NHS website. If you are reading this and experiencing reduced moment please DO NOT TAKE THIS POST AS ADVICE. Seek medical help either with a doctor or midwife. This post is my personal story with a few bits thrown in for information. so here goes….

    •You should start to feel your baby move between 16-24 weeks although this is diffrent for everyone.

    •There is no set pattern for the movements of your baby.

    •If you are concerned or you haven’t felt your baby move in 24 hours call your midwife team as soon as possible

    •Do not feel like you are wasting anybody’s time, it is important to check your baby is well.

    •Most importantly PLEASE do not use a home doppler to locate baby’s heartbeat at home. These are so dangerous and not a reliable way to check baby’s heartbeat.

    So after my long ass day of worrying I’m finally home ready to go to bed and hopefully feel my little Princess break out into some dance moves. Thankyou for reading and I hope this post helps at least one person. But PLEASE remember call your midwife team straight away rather then reading my story and assuming it is the same for you.

    Z

    Xxx

  • Glucose intolorence test

    I sit here in the doctors waiting room writing this piece because here I am yet again in for another appointment, this time I have the absolute pleasure of enduring a glucose intolerance test. If you don’t know what that is it’s a a test the nurse does to determine wether or not you have diabetes in pregnancy, also known as gestational diabetes which is just a massive inconvenience and another nail in the bloody coffin for a lot pregnant women.

    So why am I having this done? Basically any women with a BMI over a certain number is offered this test because their chances of developing the condition are higher. Basically if your a fat fat fatty like me your getting this test! Whoppeee fucking doo something else to add on check list of hundreds of appointments had so far. Another bonus of being overweight, being fat is just the gift that keeps on giving!

    So I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything but water after my dinner the night before the test which I was absolutely bloody thrilled about as you can tell. I DO NOT and I repeat I DO NOT start the day any other way than with a cup of tea so waking up knowing all I had to look forward to was some crummy old water was fucking thrilling. I could practically hear the kettle screaming my name. It took every ounce of my being to ignore my tea cravings and carry on as though my cupboard wasn’t full of teabags calling out to me.

    Anyway off I went to the doctors surgery armed with a flask of tea and a mini roll to have once the test had finshed. It was only 9:30am and the nurse was already running late which really got my back up because it was cold and I wanted to be anywhere but here. It was finally my turn to get called in. First things first was a blood test. Which stung like a bitch (Yes I’m a wimp when it comes to needles) so after I was done having the blood sucked out of me I was given this very large drink of orangey substance that I had to down. Christ this is it isn’t it, this is where I throw up all over the floor. If the surprise orangey drink wasn’t enough of a treat I had to go back into the waiting room to try and get this down my neck infront of a waiting room full of paitients wondering what the fuck I’m doing. All I could keep thinking was please don’t vom on all the oldies sat next to me, they prob have a hard enough life without being sicked on by some strange pregnant women.

    Anyway I managed to get it down me (Just) It tasted like a mix of capri sun and cough mixture, very appetising! NOT anyhow the rules were made very clear to me I cannot leave the surgery while I wait for my next blood test which was scheduled in 2 hours time! 2 hours!! Sat in a mildly uncomfortable chair in a very cold waiting room. So what else to do other than stick my earphones in and watch a couple episodes of wentworth. I spent the whole time thinking about that flask of tea that was in my bag willing myself to just hold out abit longer and I will be rewarded with the long awaited hot steamy goodness.

    2 hours later with my fat arse still sat in the same mildly uncomfortable chair I get called back in for the second round of blood sucking fun Horray! Almost time for that hot mug of steamy tea! Blood test number 2 scratched just as bad as the first one, plasters on both arms feeling very run down tired cold and vulnerable off I headed for home , after being poked and prodded I couldn’t get out of the door quick enough so I made my way out of the surgery and headed for home. Not before I poured that hot cup of tea into my travel mug and downed the whole thing before I barely made it out the door. Awwww heaven! Off I went home freezing cold because my coat won’t do up (Dam baby) rushing as fast as I could having enough of life already with 2 sore arms a sore belly from having to drink that orange shit and I finally made it home and went back to bed for 2 hours.

    Less than a week later and the results are in…

    Drum roll …..

    I do NOT have diabetes! get in! Now where’s the chocolate cake to celebrate.

    Z

    Xxx

  • Fatty boom boom

    Hey fatty boom boom! (Me talking to myself again.)Goodness gracious me my flabby bits seem to be multiplying quicker than a rat up a drain pipe. I mean I knew what I was getting my self into and let’s not beat about the bush I wasn’t exactly some sexy super model before getting myself into this situation but honestly it’s not a barrel of laughs being so big you can’t even get up in the morning without being pulled out of bed by a husband who finds it’s very humorous. It’s done nothing for my self confidence or self esteem but you have to laugh or you’d cry.

    What is it with the growing body bits during pregnancy, do we not have a hard enough time of it without growing to the size of a small elephant. Everything is rapidly getting bigger and bigger so much so I won’t be able to fit out the front door if I get much bigger.

    First things first is the most obvious thing about being pregnant the bump! The one thing I love about being pregnant the bump standing there front and center saying HELLO look at me look what I’m growing! No women should ever be ashamed or embarrassed about their bump, bumps are beautiful and should be embraced cherished and celebrated.

    Now let’s get down to the nitty gritty… My bum moves in ways I’ve only ever seen a duck walk. Waddling along like only a duck would do, my sides most likely blobbing up and down like some rapid waves of the sea, and don’t even get my started on my double actually make that triple chin! Small children could take cover from the rain under the copious amounts of rolls forming under my face. If I wasn’t classed as morbidly obese before I certainly ain’t far off reaching that goal now!

    And what’s going on with the bingo wings! I went to sleep one night and suddenly woke up an 80 year old flapping them arms around like nobody Is watching. I deffo have a lot of damage limitation to work on once I’ve popped this baby out. Don’t even get me started on the boobie situation! Seriously walking around all day with tits the size of France ain’t no mean feat! Taking that bra off at the end of the day runs the risk of putting 2 holes being put through my bedroom floor. The struggle is real guys, big boobies ain’t for the faint hearted and they ain’t just BIG they are hard as rocks and during cold weather feel like theve been sworn off with a rusty knife. Christ I’ve never known pain like it.

    So to summerise I’m now basically a walking waddeling baby elephant with tits the size of a small country morphed with a duck blubbering up and down. And part of me worries about how I look all day evey day. Then the other half of me couldn’t give 2 shits because hey I’m pregnant and I’m allowed to be fat. Fortunately for me I’ve had some lovely compliments from a couple of people who have said i look really beautiful pregant. Which I must say really made me smile. Because who doesn’t love a cheeky little compliment especially when your not feeling your best.

    So for now I’m going to continue waddling my big arse to becoming a big fatty fatty boom boom and worry about the flabby bits post birth. So untill next time…

    Z

    Xxx

  • Getting shitty

    I’m finally at that stage In pregnancy where pretty much my dignity and grace has gone out the window. They really should pre warn pregnant people how messy things can get at around 6 months. I know you’re dying to hear all about it so here goes…

    My it’s been windy lately, and I’m not talking about the weather here, more what’s been going on in my underpants I could win a Gold medal if burping and farting were an Olympic sport! And gosh have I left all my dignity at the door step.

    It all started one frightful evening. Actually it was just a normal evening at work. That was until I got half way home and suddenly felt that horrendous urge to shit myself, you know the one where the world is about to explode out of your backside and there’s absolutely sod all you can do about it!! God no this can’t be happening, I’m a 34 year old women walking home like some kind of chav trying my very hardest not to let shit litlerry fall from my arse. Luckily to my advantage it was pitch black so had the worst happend I doubt anybody would have seen, but as I’m walking I’m having to slow down because it’s there, you know… right there seconds from exploding and fucking hell I don’t know what to do, I start looking around for big leaves to wipe my sorry arse on incase the inevitable happens and I end up shitting on the pavement. Thoughts start flying around , christ if i actually do this I’m going to have to move towns, disown all my friends and start a new life where no bugger knows me. Scurrying home like some kind of disabled ferret i somehow by the grace of god made it home just in the nick of time before the whole world fell out of my arse, I’ve never felt so relieved in all my life.

    Now I really wish I could tell you that the above atrocities were a one time thing but unfortunately for me only a matter of weeks later something rather similar happend again. Except this time I was safety and the comfort of my own home, alone and getting very shitty! Now since my bump has been getting bigger the little madam inside me has been pushing all my organs up which makes it very uncomfortable to eat, sleep and basically be alive. I’ve had severe heartburn for days, and sickness. Then… it started again. That rumbling feeling deep inside my intestines, fuck. Sprinting to the bathroom with milliseconds to spare and when I say milliseconds I mean MILLISECONDS! My guts just fell out of me, I almost thought I’d given birth! That dreadful morning saw numerous very near misses dashing to the bathroom. Another day off work of corse I am not stepping outside my front door till I know I am 100% not going to shit my pants in public.

    And that my lovelies is the absolute pinnacle of being pregnant, lord help me get through the next 4 months without shitting anywhere but on a toilet!

    Z

    Xxx

  • Grief In pregnancy and the perinatal mental health team.

    I’ve kinda avoided writing this post just because it’s a hard topic to discuss but it’s also very important not just for me to talk about but to let others know they are not alone and that it’s ok not to be ok at one of the happiest times of your life. Can I just stress that I am absolutely okay now, I came through this the other side and ready to tell the story. So here goes…

    This baby was planned and wanted for well over a year, numerous failed attempts before we finally fell pregnant. During this time I was and still am grieving the loss of my little brother that will never go away. So when the test showed up positive it was instant happiness, finally something good not just for me but the whole family to look forward to. A new baby and a new start. The happiness didnt last long. A few weeks in I started to feel very down, about a lot of things, but mostly at the fact something good was happening and I was happy. Should I be happy? I guess I decided I shouldn’t be. Over the next few days my mood really dropped, I thought having a baby would solve everything, but the fact was it made me feel probably the worst I’ve ever felt in my whole entire life. And how could I tell anybody this? I couldn’t! At a time I should be filled with joy I’m feeling so depressed and lonely it went on for a few more days until this one particular day I couldn’t get dressed, I couldn’t play with Rex, i wasn’t showering or brushing my teeth and I just felt numb and lost and sad and to be quite frank I didn’t want to be alive anymore and that bloody scared me. With that came embarrassment shame and guilt for feeling this way when I was carrying a baby.

    There was absolutely nobody I could tell. Who the hell would understand I could be this low during one of the happiest times of my life. So I bit the bullet and phoned the GP surgery before it got worse it took a lot for me to do that. Anyway the receptionist was really snotty with me and asked if it was an emergency. Not being one to make a fuss I said well no but I do really need to talk to someone. And i got met with well there’s no appointments till next week. And with that I hung up the phone and sobbed and sobbed all afternoon. I needed help and didn’t know what to do.

    Later that evening I was plagued with very frightening thoughts and I thought this is it I need to do something right now. So I googled a certain word that I don’t want to repeat. And it came up with a charity called SHOUT which is a texting service 24/7 for anybody struggling mentally. What have I got to lose so I texted them. It takes around a hour for them to get back to you but once they have you just have a normal conversation. So I had a guy called Ron. Ron was fucking fantastic, I told him exactly how I was feeling, what has been going on and everything. I’d never met him or heard his voice so it was a lot easier to tell a “stranger” we talked for most of the night and it honestly like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I told him about the Shame and guilt I felt for feeling like this and he just made everything seem ok. I feel like that charity saved me that night. And honestly I managed to convince myself that feeling this way will not bring my brother back, there’s nothing I can do but get on with it so I did.

    *I will put all details of SHOUT at the end of this post*

    Some weeks later I had a midwife appointment and it must have come up on her computer about my previous mental health struggles so we chatted and I admitted how bad it had gotten at the beginging of my pregnancy and she suggested refuring me to the perinatal mental health team who specialise in helping pregant women. Unfortunately as they are such a specialised mental health unit they only offer video call appointments which I feel so awkward with! After cancelling a couple of times I finally plucked up the courage and had the appointment with a really lovely lady who asked me what had been happening and I explained and we chatted and decided together that actaully right now I am okay BUT if anything were to change to call them immediately otherwise I will hear from them when I reach 30 weeks. So I know they are there if I need them. we also agreed that really the time I’m most likely to need some extra support is post natal. Because I’m going to be 4 weeks post partum with a new born when the anniversary of my brothers death comes around. And that’s really not a great time for me let alone with no sleep and a new baby to think of.

    I guess the point of this post is to let anyone who’s struggling know that whatever your situation there is help available and your not alone. And for any pregnant ladies who may be going through the same thing. Please reach out to me I’d love to help wherever possible or just have a chat. Below are all the details for the charity about who I 10/10 recommend!!

    Text SHOUT to 85258 for a 24/7 free confidential service.

    Z

    Xxx

  • 21

    We made it. The 21 week scan! I think every milestone for a pregnant woman is somewhat a relief and an achievement because unfortunately as we all know things can go wrong at absolutely any stage. But we’re here safe and excited to see baby on the scan again today.

    For those who don’t know the 21 week scan is called an anomaly scan and what they are looking for/doing is measuring the baby and looking for any abnormalities like a cleft pallet, missing arm leg or foot or anything along those lines. Aswel as all that they can also determine baby’s sex! But we already know I’m having a girl so hopefully no blue suprises for me today!

    The scan was scheduled for 3pm at the John Radcliffe up in Oxford so I had the morning to take Rex out and do a few bits that needed doing. Off we headed for the hospital which took about an hour because of traffic! *sigh* for anyone visiting the JR just a heads up they have a new parking payment system which actually works out a hell of a lot cheaper then it used to be! And you do it all from your phone.

    Anyways up on level 4 in the women’s Center we went. Unfortunately for us they were short staffed which meant our appointment was an hour later than it should have been. Which didn’t do my bum any favours sat in one place for that long waiting and waiting to go in. Whilst waiting we had a research student approach us asking if we’d be willing to donate some of the baby’s blood to a research study for a really rare disease that affects baby’s. Doing this can help early detection and save baby and children’s lives so of corse I said yes after reading the information booklet.

    Then finally it was our turn to go in! Yippee! Up on the table I jumped leggings pulled down past my fanny so they can shove some paper towel down there, cold jelly applied and I was raring to go! The sonographer told us not to talk or ask questions whist she was scanning because she needed to concentrate which was really awkward because the whole way through she kept talking telling us what she was doing but we couldn’t answer.

    It’s incredible what they can tell from these scans. Me being the total novice obviously just saw blurry lines. The sonographer on the other hand was looking into baby’s brain, heart and kidneys, she found fingers and toes, blood vessels and did indeed confirm it is a little girl. They can tell which way the placenta is laying and all sorts. Seriously clever stuff. Anyway the scan was done and baby is all fine which is always a big relief. Me on the other hand not so much. She did indeed find a problem with one of my arteries that leads to the baby and actaully it shows that my artery isn’t open enough which means the baby gets less blood which could result in baby not growing how she should. OH SHIT! I knew it was to good to be true. Anyway we had a chat I asked some questions and it turns out the technical term for this is called Uterine artery Doppler ultrasound measurement. The good news is that it could mean baby being small or absolulty nothing could happen. It also turns out that If id been at any other hospital I wouldn’t even have known because the John Radcliffe are the only hospital in the county to scan for this certain artery. Which just makes me love this amazing hospital even more.

    So the plan is I need to have 3 extra scans (Which have already Been booked) plus extra appointments with my midwife just to check baby is growing correctly . I won’t lie I felt the fear of god go into me when they told me, just the word artery was enough to frighten me into next week my first thought was blood clot, blood loss and god knows what else. But now I have the facts and reassurance I feel alot better. I just need to keep my fingers and toes cross baby starts growing in the right direction.

    And that ladies and gentlemen is 21 weeks pregnant.

    Z

    Xxx

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