Sodding anxiety!!! always turns up when you least expect it and really don’t want it! I don’t like to say I’m a sufferer of anxiety because I believe we all have anxiety during stressful and demanding times of our lives and why wouldn’t we? Its perfectly normal to stress and worry.
Except for me the big old worry wart that I am! Sometimes I let it take over and theres nothing I can do to stop it. I’m a pretty laid back person most of the time so anyone reading this who knows me must be thinking Anixety… what anxiety?
and your totally right you cant see it because its hiding bubbling away in my head. A few years ago more than id like to mention ( so I don’t sound to old) I wont lie I used to be pretty bad something as silly as did I say the wrong thing to someone today and upset them? I used to stay awake at night worrying myself stupid id upset somebody or said the wrong thing. My anxiety now? Couldn’t give a crap if ive said something wrong or upset someone I just say sorry if I feel ive said something wrong and that’s that no going home worrying myself sick. YAY to me!
Ive been pretty cool and calm (for me) during pregnancy, as the weeks are passing and I’m getting tired and achey I get tearful at night worrying about every single situation. Am I going to be a good mother to my little boy? Am I going to love him? that’s my current biggest fear, I mean realistically as soon as hes born I know I’m going to fall totally in love with him but sometimes my mind tricks me and makes me think that I wont, even worse… what if he doesn’t love me? Anixety plays tricks on our minds even more so during challenging times I’m sure I’m not the first pregnant woman to think these things and I’m sure I wont be the last.
My current anxiety worrying me is how I will feel after the birth. It terrifies me more than actually giving birth! Sleep deprived and tramatic events (I call a tramatic event going to the dentist) so giving birth is going to fuck me up. I’m genuinely terrified of how I will feel after the birth and ive already decided I don’t want visitors at the hospital apart from my mum and dad and Mr Ms mum and dad because I have a feeling I will be so tired and tearful I wont want to see anyone. I’m panicking like fuck about people wanting to come straight round my house to meet the little bundle of joy, I know everyone is excited and I know everyone wants to meet him I get that but I need time to myself to recover and feel better mentally its only fair to want that isn’t it? so why do I feel like such a horrible person for wanting that?
Tonight I am tired and tearful and letting my anxiety get the better of me. Tomorrows a new day to try and not be a worry wart!