Can we just take a moment here to appreciate that I actually AM NOT pregnant again!! I never thought I would be so happy to see my period again!
For those of you who are none the wiser to what’s been going on here’s what happend! In maybe to much detail but stay with me we can have a laugh together.
Remember how I said my lady region had finally healed! Well that wasn’t entirely true. As I found out one night in the throws of passion after a few drinks when the sausage definitely didn’t fit in the hole!! Oh my that was a whole worldly experience that went down like a sack of shit. I don’t need to go into detail, you arnt stupid you know exactly what I’m on about!! Any women who tells you they’ve had sex right after giving birth are either channeling their inner Pinocchio or have some sort of superhuman bionic vigina!!
Anyway… maybe a week or so later it was round 2, you don’t know if you don’t try right? Filled with fear of splitting open and emptying my guts everywhere I dived right in hoping for the best and needless to say that night I discovered my vadge was back to normal!! Hurrah! Still not decided what contraception I want to partake in we opted for the good old fashioned pulling out method. (Sorry mum if you’re reading this) and no before you ask it wasn’t wiped on the curtains, we do have some class!
Rather chuffed that I manged to have sex without my fanny falling to peices I slept very well that night. Not really thinking to much more of the situation until a couple of weeks later when I thought I’d check my period tracker app to see when I’m due on.
To my absolute horror I was late by 2 days. FUCK!! surely it’s just my periods getting back to normal right? Or could I actually be pregnant again? Needless to say I convinced myself That sperm had met egg and made me another screming shitting little Delight. Days went by checking if id come on, I’ve never wanted to bleed from my fanny more than I did right then! Praying to the period gods to throw it at me with everything they had.
The irony of this whole situation is that it took me a year to get pregnant with my first and all of a sudden I was pregnant again after having sex once !! Not only was I pregnant again but it was the exact same month as I got pregnant before!! Suddenly I’m going to have 2 kids under the age of 1! Can you imagine? I darent for fear it’s actually true and I’m up the duff again!! All I could think was mums going to kill me, I have no money and I’m probabley going to lose my job.
Thankfully for me this story turns out in my favour as I actually did come on my period! I’ve never been happier to be a menstruating woman! I had to stop myself from running down the street screaming IM NOT PREGNANT!! Obsiviously if I had been pregnant I would have been happy it would just have been a massive shock and a big panic to try and get enough money together to go on maternity leave again!
If there’s one lesson to be learnt after all this it’s to either strap it up before you whack it up or get on the pill which is exactly what I’ve done! I’d like to dedicate this post to all the future sperm killed in their prime before they get chance to impregnate me again, may they try and fail until next time.