“Trying”

Here we go again!

The absolute hell hole that is trying for a baby! Seriously it’s up there with some of the worst times of my life. Im not quite sure how other women cope with the task of trying to hold on to that sperm just at the right time to make a baby. But I’d like to tell you my story.

3 years ago we decided to try for a baby and it turned out to be the most stressfull year of my life. I’m not sure what it’s like for “normal” people but my mental health the way it is sometimes really made this a difficult task. Every month I’d try my best not to get my hopes up that I could be pregnant but every month that went by it seemed to get a little worse. I cried for days and days at a time to the point I got severely severely depressed. Month on month hoping and praying just to be met with utter disappointment. The gut wrenching moment when your period shows up and you realise it’s just not to be AGAIN. It’s honestly a real head fuck. All the while people constantly announcing pregnancies and births over on Facebook just reminds you of what you haven’t got. Regimented sex became a thing it HAD to be done just at the right time making things not fun anymore. My depression spiralled out of control thinking I would never get pregnant and my anxiety was just in overdrive to the point where any tiny symptom that could “possibly” = pregnancy I convinced myself I was pregnant over and over again but to my dismay it took time, a year to be exact. So I promised myself the second time round would be different.

So here we are the second time round. Month number 4 of actively trying to get pregnant and already I’m obsessing over any small symptom, every spare moment I have is spent googling ridiculous symptoms hoping that it’s because I’m pregnant. I had headaches for a few days straight and ofcorse google told me that could mean pregnancy. So ofcorse I told myself I was! Untill my fucking period decided to show up and yet again prove me wrong. It’s like a battle with my mind, there’s no word to describe the heart wrenching feeling of knowing this month was a write off. But you just have to dry your eyes pull your pants up and carry on like nothing is happening when deep down all you long for is that positive test. I’ve had the worst year of my life last year reasons of which I will not go into yet so my brains response is to obsess over getting pregnant yet again. And so far I’m failing miserabley.

I guess the odds are if it’s going to take a year like the first time Around then I only have 8 months left of trying I’m not sure weather that’s a good thing or not I didn’t want a big age gap between my children but the way it’s going Rex will be 4 by the time I have another.

All I can do in the meantime is keep trying and TRY not to stress TRY not to obsess and hope that it happens. Thanks for reading and I will keep you all updated ❤️

Z

Xxx