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Please brace yourself for what I am about to tell you. It is somewhat hilarious and unbelievable all at the same time.

Now before I tell this story may I cast your mind back to a couple of years ago and point you in the direction of another post I’d written about potty training. “Going potty part 1” and my has it been a journey and a half since those much simpler times.

Potty training is bar far THE hardest thing I’ve faced as a parent so far. We’ve started and stopped I don’t know how many times but it got to the point where Rex was approaching 4 years old and nearing starting school.

So let’s rewind back to a couple of years ago when i tried to potty train the lovely Rex and it all went horribly wrong so we decided to give up and wait abit longer. So 6 months or so ago we NEEDED to get this done as Rex would be starting school in September. Fucking hell here we go again as if it wasn’t hard enough I was also 8 months preggo with the gorgeous River. We tried a whole number of things, sticker charts, rewards, chocolate buttons if he went. You name it we tried it. Losing my rag was a routine occurrence everytime he piddled on my carpet or on my brand new sofa. Scared to death to take him out because he’d already piseed in the pound shop and in the chemist I was so upset and frustrated We were getting nowhere but I couldnt give up as school was soon approaching so I just had to stay strong and keep focused. Then one day every half our or so I made sure he sat on the toilet, When that first wee happend you could have given me a million dollars and I would be more excited that my son had just pissed in the toilet! Oh we cheered, high fived and jumped about what an achievement! Sadly it didn’t last and I was spending my days scrubbing my carpets and washing his pants.

It was a few weeks before he was due to start school and things were not looking good but we powered through and when his first day of school came I had no choice but to send him in pants and put my hands together and pray to the toilet gods that he would be ok. I’m not gonna lie we had a couple of accidents in the first week but on the whole he was doing well and I was so proud of him.

UNTILL that day… the fateful day I will remember for the rest of my life and this is how it went. It was 3:15pm the school gates open and parents bundle in to collect their littleuns. Gets to the door and Rex’s teacher has some news… he’s had an accident. I apologise of corse but that’s not the end of the story. Head in my hands I can’t quite believe what I’ve just heard…. Not only did Rex “have an accident” he pulled his pants and trousers down squatted and shit in the sandpit!! That’s right you heard it correctly. My eyes pop out of my head and my hand covering my mouth I don’t know wether to laugh or what!! I’ve never been so mortified in my whole entire life but at the same time it’s bloody hilarious. I could not apologise enough but what could I do it’s happend and we just had to move on. I think the toilet goes must have been listening that day because pretty much from then on we had a fully toilet trained Rex, all was good in the world my baby had become a boy and I will always be proud of everything he does even if that’s shitting in a sand pit…..

Love you Rex

Z

Xxx

Nobody really tells you what life after losing a loved one well before their time is like, there’s no handbook on how to act or feel, it’s almost like you’ve been dumped in the forest with no map of how to get out. It’s long, it’s sad and it’s tireing and no matter how much you “try” to lead a normal life there’s always something in the back of your mind to remind you.

In the days and weeks after losing Mike I remember thinking how am I ever going to live with this, how will I ever smile again and what path is our famlies lives about to take. Nobody tells you how incredibly difficult it is caring for a 2 year old child during the loss of a loved one, he still needed feeding, bathing and taking to nursery. Bedtimes felt like the worst thing in the world and I resented him for a long time when he’d cry not wanting to go to bed. And me wanting to scream at the top of my voice “ATLEAST THATS YOUR ONLY FUCKING PROBLEM” I’m sure I probabley did scream sometimes minus the swearing ofcorse. People move on and leave you behind, I felt so selfish like how dare people post pictures on Facebook of them happy, how fucking dare the whole world just carry on like nothing had happend, ofcorse it hadn’t for them and now I realise that.

I guess living after loss just comes naturally, you have no other option than to ride that horrendous wave, that massive curve ball that life has thrown you becomes reality, it becomes you. It’s not so much the big occasions like Christmas and birthdays, I mean Christmas is a fucking shit time for me now but it’s not the worst thing. The worst thing is seeing a limited edition popcorn KitKat chunky in the shop and thinking to yourself I will get that for Mike he’s likes weird shit like that. Then 2 seconds later remembering that Mike isn’t here anymore. It’s scrolling through purchases on Amazon and coming across the how to learn Japanese books i bought him for Christmas last year knowing full well he probably never got to use them. It’s things like when Rex breaks a toy that Mike bought him it’s gut wrenching because I know he’s never going to buy Rex toys again. Its catching a glimpse of someone in the street who looks exactly like him and trying not to burst into tears in a street full of people, It’s being the only one who hasn’t got a birthday or Christmas card with his handwriting in and regretting every time I dumped his card In the bin so desperately wishing I’d kept just one of them and feeling so ashamed that I didn’t. Seeing a new show on Netflix that he’d like or hearing a funny joke that I know he’d find hilarious. So you see sometimes it’s the littlest things that can be the worst.

I fucking hate this saying with all of my body but honestly it’s so true. “It does get easier” and it does i’d be a big fat liar if I said it didn’t, I managed to laugh again, I’ve lived my life, I’ve been to festivals, gone on holiday, got drunk, had sex, had a baby, and smiled again, which at one point I never thought I’d do ever again. The really sad part of life is that it does go on once somebody has left us, it has to otherwise what’s the point of it all? What good is me laying depressed in bed going to achieve? Absolutely nothing, but it’s okay to do that to. It’s ok to be happy and it’s also okay to be sad, ofcorse it is. There are no rules on how to act. Part of me wishes there were because sometimes I feel so out of control and could do with some guidance. My guidance now comes from Mike. During my recent pregnancy almost every night I asked Mike to look after me and River and he did just that.

Life after loss is a constant thought of what ifs and would haves. Mike would have loved his baby neice, he would have found her name hilarious making some joke about it I’m sure, he would have been the coolist (Grumpiest) pyjama loving uncle to Rex and River. But what if? What if he hadn’t of left us, what if he was in a diffrent place or time that night? My head is filled with so many what if’s and why’s. Why did this horrendously painful awful thing have to happen to us? Why did it happen the way it did, gosh I could go on and on with the many questions I’ve got hidden away in my head. Questions that I will never get the answer to and the hardest part of a lot of this is accepting the fact I will never know, nobody will and honestly that it probabley the most gut wrenching painful things about this whole situation is why? I think the most taboo thing about losing someone is admitting that you can be ok again, life can be ok, it won’t ever be the same but it will be ok so if you are reading this and have lost someone close to know just know that life can be ok when you feel it ready to be. As always my door is wide open for conversations only a message away if someone is struggling with grief we are all in this together and sometimes we can forget that.

Life after loss can be confusing and complicated. It messes with your brain and makes everything all higgledy-piggledy. Life doesn’t have to end after losing our loved ones, in some strange way life can begin again, I live for Mike now and I’d be god dammed if anyone is going to take that away from me. He left me and us way to soon, he left a mother and father without a son and a sister without a brother. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could be in this situation but someone somewhere decided it was meant to be so I and we have had no choice but to try and carry on living as best we can to honour my very loved and very missed brother

❤️Mike❤️

Z

Xxx

I’ve spoken about mental health before on this blog so I’m no stranger to writing down my feelings. And things have been going really well for me for quite a long time now. But since giving birth something has been bothering me and it’s gradually been getting worse and worse, my reasoning for talking about it today is in hopes it might make me feel abit better.

I guess I could say I have had some anixetys in my life, But this time something really good has happend in my life I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, I have the family I’ve always wanted and mentally I’m in a good place. So why all of a sudden have I really been suffering with moderate anixety? Your guess is as good as mine. The only thing I can put it down to is having quite a traumatic birth and being porley on and off ever since.

So what’s been happening? It started off probably just like anyone else who worries about certain things. How do I look,? Are the kids ok? Is my front door locked at night? Those sorts of things. Gradually though it started to escalate into more bigger worries such as, is River breathing? Is this cough something serious? Am I going to die? Will Rex be ok starting school, will he get lost? Ya know passing thoughts they didn’t last all day long but I was aware this probably wasn’t normal. Over a number of weeks I guess things got worse a lot worse, my thoughts suddenly turned into situations that can and will happen, such as Rex falling into the sea on holiday which is something that played on my mind for weeks and weeks before we went, it finally got to the point I couldn’t take it any longer and I burst into tears in bed one night and told hubby that we can’t go on holiday because I’m so frightned of something happening to Rex. By now I realise these thoughts are far from normal so I mentioned it to the perinatal mental health nurse who is trying to find me an anixety management course. As it happens we went on holiday and Rex was absolutely fine.

So that was well over a month ago now, currently life is ok I’m functioning I’ve never not functioned because of anixety. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed now that it’s getting abit more of a problem, simple things such as meeting a friend for lunch, going to the shops, going for a run, taking the kids out the second I’ve arranged something I get this feeling deep in my chest like I’ve had a hammer thrown at me and my head finally catches on and thinks I just can’t do this I can’t do it I can’t go out. When in reality I know I can, nothing is going to happen but at the time it feels like the world is going to end just by taking my kids to the park. And currently I don’t know how to stop these feelings so any advice will be greatly recieved.

As it stands I’m getting that feeling In my chest at least once a day, it’s something I have no idea how to get rid of if I’m completely honest. I guess over time things may correct themselves. The perinatal team haven’t been much help If I’m honest, cancelling appoitments or just not turning up its very hit and miss, I’m hoping now that we are into a routing wiht Rex going to school etc that my brain will catch on and I will calm down abit.

Until then

Z

Xxx

Now things have calmed down I’m going to write about what happend 2 nights ago. I’ve named this post scaredy pants but really it should be called fucking shitting myself pants.

Friday was just a normal day, we’d gone to a party in the evening and had a really good time. When we got home hubby went to change Rivers nappy and instantly shouted at me to come and look at her legs. So I rushed in looking at her and the blood instantly drained from my body at what I was looking at. She had reddish purple rashes all over her little legs that had come on within the space of 2 hours. I did the thing we are all taught to do and grabbed a glass. The rash didn’t fade when I pressed the glass on it and fuck me did I panic. I straight away rang 111.

The lady on the other end of the phone took a load of details and said a doctor would call me back in the next 2 hours. After I hung up the phone I did the thing we are all told not to do and googled what a Meningitis rash looked like and it was almost identical to the one river has one her legs. I said to hubby I’m not waiting 2 hours we’re going to the hospital now!! So we threw a few things in a bag dropped Rex off at his nans and went. I held Rivers little hand all the way to the hospital, on the way a doctor called me back and said to take her to A&E which was lucky as we were already on the way. I felt so fucking sick with worry my anxiety has been bad recently anyway but this was something else. When people say they would swap places with their sick child it’s absolutely true I would have swapped with her right there and then.

Despite A&E being absolutely heaving we were seen very quickly within about 10 minuets I think it was. A nurse took all the details checked River over and sent us back in the waiting room to wait for a doctor. Sometime later I’m not exactly sure how long we we’re taken into a cubical for River to have a blood test and have a canula fitted incase she needed IV antibiotics. God what an upsetting thing it is to see your baby’s hand being held down tightly whilst screaming and the nurses putting a needle into her. It nearly broke me. After all that had been done she had to have her arm wrapped up to stop her pulling out the canula. Once all thts had been done she was very settled and fell back to sleep.

A doctor then came round to talk to us and I voiced my concerns about it being Meningitis and she very kindly would not confirm either way until the blood test had come back which again put the fear of god into me. It was gone 2am now and we were told River was being admitted so hubby had to go home and we got taken onto a ward in the children’s hospital. I was so tired by this point I didn’t really know what was going on. Our cubical was massive it had a big cot for River, a bed for me a tv and some cuboards. There was also a kitchen where we could make tea and toast and also cuboards full of baby milk because I didn’t bring enough as I didn’t know we would have to stay in so that really came in handy.

I tried my best to get some sleep but I’d forgotton my medication and I don’t sleep when I don’t take that. And I also couldn’t take my eyes off of River, checking every 5 minutes that she was breathing and ok . I think I eventually managed half an hours kip before she woke up for a bottle, then it was light outside so we just got up. No nurses or doctors had been round yet so I was taking this as good news. A few more hours passed and a nurse came round to do Rivers observations which were all fine so we made a cup of tea and chilled out for abit. Then finally a consultant came round and explained that Rivers blood tests were all normal and he “thinks” the weird rash is a pressure rash. Some examples he gave were being strapped to tightly into her car seat, nappy to tight, being in a baby carrier or it could have been where she was passed around a lot at the party. I felt so rude asking him If he was sure because I just needed my anxiety reassured. But he reassured me there was NO sign of infection which means it’s absolutely not Meningitis I could have cried all that worry was thankfully for nothing.

So we had to wait another hour or so for River to get her canula out and be discharged then off we went home to get some well earned sleep.

Z

Xxx

The day begins early and already I have baby sick in my hair and wee on my leggings aswel as a small child hanging off my leg asking for breakfast. While the other one cries for milk. The decision on which one to feed first is always a battle in my head. So I quickly throw some shreddies and milk in a bowl and let the younger one dive in. Baby in one arm making milk with my second, dying for a wee and a cup of tea because as usual I’ve not had time to sit my bum down on the toilet seat or make myself a drink. finally feeding time peace at last they are both quiet and filling their tiny tummies. Spilt milk on the kitchen table, soggy shreddies drying onto my kitchen floor but no time to wipe them up because baby needs her nappy changing. Whilst changing nappy bigger child knocks over a drink soaking the carpet for the 9th time this morning so next job is to wipe that up. It’s getting on lunch time and I’ve still not had a wee or a cup of tea.

I turn my back for 5 seconds and oldest is scribbling on the wall with a sharpie. Before I know it it’s time to make lunch. Drama because I haven’t cut the toast in the shape he likes it so I peel the orange he asked for only that’s wrong to. Then baby crys for a bottle. Buttering toast with one hand making milk with my other, if only they’re were more of me. Children fed for the second time finally I can make that cup of tea. Quickly pick up some bits off the floor, wade through the mountain of nappies, get a wash on and wash the dishes quickly. Before I know it my cup of tea has gone cold and older child is hungry again.

Lunch time passes happy kids, I quickly make myself a slice of toast. But before I can spread the butter older child takes a piss on the carpet, dash him to the toilet and wipe the carpet, clean pair of pants on and off he goes. Younger child is stiring time for nappy change. Which turns into a full change of clothes. Chuck the clothes in the wash, nappy in the bin. What was I doing? Oh yeah my very cold toast. Quickly get that butter on before something else happens. Small child asleep, older child happily playing with Lego. That’s when the loneliness sets in what I would do for a cuppa tea and an adult conversation, a change of scenery and some decent food. But no the washing machine has finshed time to hang that up, empty the bin and get the bottles on to sterilise. Reruns of peppa pig are getting tireing, I long for some adult tv.

What time is it again? Afternoon comes around time to take potty training older child to the toilet again, 10 min arguing weather he’s going to do a stand up wee or a sit down wee, flush the toilet, wash hands, drench the floor, time to mop the bathroom floor now. Baby’s awake and needs feeding, making the milk whilst emptying the Sterlister. Older child stomping crisps into the carpet whilst I feed baby knowing I can’t stop him. Baby fed, carpet hoovered. Time to chill but not before I decide what’s for tea and start cooking it. 4:30pm comes around and hubby walks in the door and I could cry. Adult company, conversation and help has finally arrived.

Tea cooked, eaten and now the dishes to wash. Bath time for both children, brush teeth and story for the older one, sit with him till he falls asleep, baby’s crying again dash downstairs get her fed then RELAX. 8:30pm off to bed to watch Netflix and drink tea ready to do it all again tomorrow.

And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Z

Xxx

I guess I should really introduce you to the main little lady really shouldn’t I…

So here goes… may in introduce to you River Sharon Valerie 💕

I guess I should start with explaining the meaning of her name. River had always been on my baby name list but it wasn’t really in my top 10. When we found out we were having a girl I had a few other names in my head that I really liked and in the end I managed to whittle my top 3 down to Annie, Esmé and River! Hubby loved the name River because apparently there’s someone in doctor who with that name. So that’s really where her name came about. As we’d picked her name very early on there was still quite a few months of me wondering what other names I liked and I sort of didn’t feel like she was a River for a while. But the second she was born there she was my River and I couldn’t imagine her with any other name! It was actually very bizzare because we’d kept her name a secret from everybody but when I was in Labour the midwives asked me her name and after I told them all they kept saying is “your going to meet River very soon” which was so odd hearing someone else say her name. Anyway so the middle names are named after my mum sharon and hubs mum Valerie. It couldn’t have been any other names if I’m compleatly honest. If she was a boy the only name I had was Mikey after my brother. But it wasn’t to be.

So… River came into the world with a crash on the 27th June 2023 at 9:16am weighing 7lbs 1oz making her birthday only 5 days before Rex’s!

After she was born we spent the next 2 days together just the 2 of us in the hospital. I had a lovely 2 days getting to know my little girl. I had all the cuddles in the world before everyone decended on her. Because of some medication I was taking during pregnancy River had to be monitored in hospital for at least 48 hours. Every 4 hours the midwives would come in and do her temperature, pulse and listen to her heartbeat and thankfully everytime they did it it was absolutely perfect. She also passed her hearing test in hospital which is always a huge relief.

She enjoyed breast feeding something that just sort of happend out of the blue but she did really well and I have to give her most of the credit for trying when I didn’t want to. So after 2 days we got sent home from the hospital and she just fitted in like a glove at home. She’s the easiest baby I’ve ever met. All she does is sleep eat and poop. She hardly ever cries not even when she’s hungry or needs her nappy changing I feel incredibly lucky at how easy she is making all our lives. Night feeds are practically non existent with her only waking up once a night usually around 3am for a feed. Unlike her brother who was up every 2 hours. She goes to bed like a dream and we don’t hear a peep out of her and honestly it’s made our lives so much easier. I feel like her sleeping so well has really saved my mental health.

She has blondy/gingery hair I really think she’s going to be ginger I will be absolutely thrilled if she is because she’s just so beautiful any hair colour will just make her more pretty. She has 2 birth marks, one on her eye lid and one on the back of her neck. They did tell me in the hospital that if the birth mark on her eye lid bothers us we can look at getting it removed but if I’m perfectly honest it’s part of her! And unless it bothers her when she’s older it will be staying where it is. The one on her neck you won’t even beable to see once she’s got long hair. She’s got the cutest smallest little fingers I’ve ever seen! She’s just so a scrummy I wish she could stay this small forever.

We’ve now had numerous appointments with the midwife and health visitor every one theve been very happy with her progress she’s even gained 10oz !! So she’s nearing 8lb now. She’s changing every day and I just can’t stop looking at her trying to take it all in before I blink and she’s off to college. There’s not really much more I can say about River except that she’s made our family a better one and she is so loved beyond belief. Below is a selection of my favourite photos I’ve taken of her so far.

So for now that’s All about River

Z

Xxx

Well… hello again. I made it to the other side alive safe and well (Just about) I’ve had a couple of weeks at home with the hubby to rest and recuperate and I’m ready to tell you all about our first week!! (Or weeks)

So here I am 2 weeks later both kids in bed asleep enjoying a nice bubble bath whilst I fill you in on what’s been happening….

So we ended up staying 4 days in the hospital coming home on the Thursday and boy I was glad to finally be allowed home as nice as it is getting some rest in hospital I was really starting to miss my home comforts. So off we popped getting caught in rush hour traffic on the way home which as you can imagine with a newborn and in this sweltering heat is a right old barrel of big fuck off laughs. But we made it home in one piece just in time for my mum and dad to come over and visit because I was only allowed 2 visitors in hospital my poor old dad had to wait down in the car park whilst my mum came to see me. So they bought over fish n chips and had cuddles with River.

Then it was time to settle down as a family of 4. Rex was feeling very overwhelmed and was acting very strange and sulky and cuddley I’m not sure he knew what was really going on bless him. As I mentioned before I got given a load of different medication to come home with and I was absolutely horrified when they gave me a box of needles that I had to INJECT (yes I said INJECT) myself with for the next 10 days! It’s supposted to stop blood clots so it was pretty important but Jesus Christ I cannot do this to myself I can’t even look when im having a blood test done! Thankfully for me my mother in law is a diabetic and injects daily so I just asked her to do it. But to my suprise I thought I’d give the first one a go and I only went and did it didn’t i! So bloody proud of myself. And so that was our first night.

The next day we had a visit from the midwife who sadly was not my midwife as she was on holiday which I was gutted about. But this lady was lovely just the same so she did a few bits and bobs weighed River ect ect and went on her merry way. Asked if I wanted my stitches checked to which I declined. I’ve had enough people gawping at my fanny this week Thankyou very much. Now something I forgot to mention to you all was how fucking difficult it is to go to the toilet after you’ve had a baby. I had a catheter in for nearly 2 days ( if you don’t know what a cathater is then google it) so my bladder was like what the fuck is going on. Trying to sit down on a toilet seat was the first hurdle I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to sit on a hard cold surface with a massive hole in the middle whilst your hole is being held together by surgical stitches then I can tell you it ain’t bloody easy. But I got there with a lot of strange noises and huffing and puffing. Little did I know that was actually the easy part… my bladder was basically numb from having the catheter in for 2 days and it’s actually really hard to piss when you can’t feel sod all down below. So it took abit of patience but once it started flowing I was well away. The only problem now was I couldn’t actually feel if I needed to stop or not, if I was done or anything. So I just sit and sit and sit hoping my body would just do it’s natural thing and finish ejecting piss from my bladder which it eventually did do but it felt like a century had gone by and I still hadn’t finished going. So that was the pissy part. The other end was a whole diffrent fucking story!! In hospital The midwives kept asking me if I’d opened my bowel. Like hell I had!! I don’t fancy ripping myself another fanny for the second time this week!! But the days went by and my stomach was getting increasingly painful I think I made it to day 3 of not having a shit until I couldn’t take it any longer and had to risk the unimaginable just so I could have a giant ass poo. Luckily I’d been sent home from hospital with a bag of medication which included some stuff to soften my poo. Hurrah! Although it still put the fear of god into me just thinking about going. But by day 3 I was finally ready and emptied what felt like the entire world out of my arse and my god did my stomach feel better almost instantly!!

So the following few days we had some visits from family and friends, I was still in a lot of pain down below and in my lower stomach where my muscles were still healing so I really couldn’t go out much which was really starting to get to me. I’m an outdoors people person being cooped up is not my jam! The furtherst I went was to walk Rex to school and that nearly floored me. Another midwife appoitment later everything is still good once again they offered to check my stitches. “No Thankyou I think they are ok” I stupidly said. Because the following day (No judgement here please we are all friends) I was just chilling on the bed and I thought to myself I’ve not actually seen “down there” ya know the stitches. So I casually as you do with no airs or graces thought I’d awkwardly point my phone and get a snap of said area and let me tell you I was terrifying horrified at what I had seen. So much so I had to call hubby up and to his disgust have a look at what was going on because that does not look fucking normal. I have no idea what a stitched up vagina is meant to look like but I’m pretty sure that ain’t it! So after a-bit of panicking we decided it’s to late to do anything tonight I will call the midwife in the morning. So morning comes around and I’m umming and arring wether to call because I’m basically asking someone to look at my disfigured fanny and I’m really not game for that today. But as it goes I described to her what it looked like and she confirmed that sounds normal and they will be checked next week at my next appoitment. Phew to not having to flash my fanny today!!

So by now we are well into week 2 you’ll be glad to hear I’m shitting like and absolute boss, I’ve got breast feeding down to a fine art but that’s a story for another day. I’m getting dressed and brushing my hair and today I even wore my watch! I survived Rexs 4th birthday and even made it out to a kids party this weekend. It’s the small things in life that make a diffrence post natal! River has fitted in like a treat, Rex hardly bats an eyelid at her. she sleeps like an absolute trooper!! Waking up once, twice a night on a bad night and things are finally getting into a routine, my head feels a lot clearer and more organised, I’ve stopped randomly crying over nothing, ive got breast milk dripping out of me like it’s going out of fashion, I can walk without pain and my fanny is healing nicely. I’m managing to keep on top of the house work. Washing not so much good job I’ve got a deep washing basket!! So yeah things are pretty good.

Today hubby went back to work. *Crys* it’s been a lovely 2 weeks but my head really needed to get back into some kind of routine. So mums taking 2 weeks of half days to come and be with me and take me out ect which is so lovely so today we popped out for lunch to a garden Center and it felt SO GOOD to just be normal and get some nice fresh air in my lungs.

And that’s our first 2 weeks. River has pretty much slept through most of it so there’s no updates on her but the rest of us are great 👍

Speak to you soon

Z

Xxx