I sit here today writing this after getting yet another negative pregnancy test. Asking myself WHY? Almost another year in trying for baby number 2 and still nothing. I thought the first time around was just bad luck but here I am going through it all again.
What I don’t understand is why. Why does it take me SO long to get preggers?? Why do I have such bad luck?? Upon the first few months I was so casual about it so I didn’t get myself in the state I did the first time round. But a year later and I’m crying my eyes out because every Tom dick and Harry around me is getting pregnant and having babies and I just don’t understand why I can’t get pregnant AGAIN 😩
It’s so tough. And it’s so hard because you just don’t talk about it with people. Me especially because I think it’s “bad luck” but clearly it’s not. It’s such a lonely place to be. Seeing everyone else walking around with a bun in the oven after only trying for 5 minutes. It hurts and I’m a very bitter person right now.
When’s my turn?
I think I’m slowly going bananas, I spend hours online watching videos of other women taking pregnancy tests scrolling through all these videos over and over and over until I just can’t take anymore. In my weird little head I watch these vidoes so much I think well they are pregnant so that must mean I am to! Every night I’m up till god knows what time in the morning googling pregnancy, googling symptoms and god knows what else. I just can’t stop it’s like a sickness.
Every pregnancy announcement is like a kick in the balls I smile and try to be happy but fuck me am I gutted. Gutted that I don’t know what the future is going to hold, will I beable to have another baby? Who knows. I guess all I can do is keep trying and hope that one day I get my second positive. Last week I had some blood tests that confirmed my hormone levels are quite low which was a kick in gut, I’m booked in for more tests next week so until then I just need all the luck in the world.