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Before you ask yes I’m still pregnant! now 5 days (almost 6) overdue. Every night I go to bed praying tonight will be the night it happens. So far no luck! To carry on from my last post after my very glamorous fingering from the nurse  (proper term Stretch and sweep) I’m very disappointed to report nothing has happened and baby is living it up inside my tummy.

The night of the stretch and sweep I did have quite a lot of pain in my VJJ and to be honest all week I’ve had stretching feelings going on down there so I’m wondering weather I’m actually dilated more than I was on Monday, whatever’s going on something is 100% moving down there! To add to all the vagina drama I’ve noticed something quite unsavoury about my boobies… they have started leaking! So far this is the only thing that has really freaked me out! I can deal with leakage in the underpants area as that’s just part of being a woman, never before have I seen something coming out of my boobs! and to be honest it made me feel a bit sick when I first noticed it! Yes I know its only natural before anyone try’s to make me feel bad, but when it first happened I was like woahhhhhhhhh.

So far all people are saying to me is “get a good curry inside you” or “have lots of sex” with the deepest respect and love I just want to tell people to fuck off! its funny to start with but its really starting to wear thin now! I have my own methods of trying to get this baby moving these include lots of walks which I’ve really enjoyed, I’ve attempted to cut the jungle that is my back garden, I’ve been into town (on the bus) much to most peoples disgust and generally been active doing housework and washing. I’ve been told by Mr M that I need to hold on until Monday because he wants to play football on Sunday haha!

The good news is I’m not worrying or feeling anxious about anything at the moment which has come as a nice surprise to me! I’ve made peace with the fact its going to hurt getting this baby out and I’ve made peace with the fact I’m going to be in hospital where I usually feel my most anxious. We couldn’t be more prepared for little man to arrive! hospital bags are packed and ready to grab in an emergency, the cot and baby monitor is set up, I’ve tried out the bottle steriliser and we are ready to rock and roll!

So for now I’m doing my thing going about my daily antics waiting for the gush of the waters breaking, unless I go into labour by Tuesday the plan is for me to have another procedure to try and get him going, I’m not hopeful that it will work, I’m not looking forward to another fingering to be honest but needs must I suppose. It cant be any worse then pushing a watermelon out of my snatch now can it! You are past your eviction date now little man!

Z

xxx

I’ve been on maternity leave just over a week now it didn’t start off to great with me being bored and feeling a bit rubbish about myself, but as the week has progressed I’ve started to enjoy being off relaxing and catching up on all my TV shows. I’m particularly enjoying the lay ins most days I don’t get out of bed till 11am!

I’m now officially past my due date and currently a day late I think my baby is being lazy like his mum and not wanting to move! Every day things such as getting out of bed in the morning and walking up the stairs have become really difficult. Try getting out of a kingsize bed when you cant roll over on your tummy to get out, its a proper mission! Baby is moving around nicely so much so it actually takes my breath away sometimes when I suddenly have a foot sticking out.

So lets get down to the nitty gritty… I had a midwife appointment today at my local hospital, I thought id be brave and get the bus much to my mums disgust (lol) like I keep telling everyone I’m pregnant not disabled! if my waters break on the bus then id deal with that. I can confirm this wasn’t the case and I made it back home in one piece. I had a feeling I knew what was coming at this appointment so I thought id treat myself to some toast with marmite and a mango smoothie from costa before the dreaded appointment!

Witney hospital is really small and as soon as I walked in  and sat in the minor injury’s waiting room I felt straight away I was going to have a panic attack as it was so busy and WHY OH WHY do they have to make hospitals so hot? I felt so claustrophobic and so hot and muggy, to keep my mind of it I started looking around at the other people in the waiting room trying to guess why they were there, I’m pretty sure there was a man next to me with a broken leg! poor bugger as the waiting time up on the wall was 3 hours! Anyway not long after the midwife came and got me and took me into yet another boiling hot room! god knows how these doctors and nurses work in such yucky muggy heat they need a medal just for that!

So we did the usual blood pressure and wee sample which were all ok. Then the dreaded words came… the midwife says I can perform an internal procedure to examine you and try and move things along, I kind of knew I would be offered this procedure called “the stretch and sweep” sounds delightful doesn’t it! Ive heard so many stories about this most people seem to gasp and make a funny face when its mentioned, ive heard rumours of a whole hand being shoved up you and swishing everything around… but at the same time friends have told me its nothing more than a smear test it doesn’t hurt and is just uncomfortable. So as the words are coming out of the midwifes mouth it almost went into slow motion because I knew I had to make a decision about what I wanted to do!!

I just thought to myself you need to man the fuck up Zoe your going to have to get your fanny out at some point so just get it over with, anyway who doesn’t love a bit of fisting on a Monday morning? (lol) I’m really pleased to report that the horror stories about the stretch and sweep are totally untrue! the midwife couldn’t have been more supportive and told me at every point what was happening, she probably only inserted 3 fingers at the most and i can say it was no worse than a smear test! over in less than A minute I laughed and told her the stories id heard of a whole hand being shoved up there and how relieved I am! So as a pregnant lady if you are offered this procedure please don’t be scared or put off! The results she found were very good I’m actually 2cm dilated and she could feel babys head which are all good signs that I’m on my way!

Since getting home I feel really very uncomfortable and have a lot of pressure down below and pressing down into my bum so I’m hoping the Monday morning fisting has done its job it currently feels like I’ve had a welly boot shoved up my lady bits As well as this I’ve had a tiny bit of bleeding which is normal as everything has been disturbed, so I’m currently laying on the sofa under my duvet feeling a bit sorry for myself and feeling emotional again about the thought of what’s going to happen to me soon. I’m looking forward to Mr M getting home so we can have cuddles and hot chocolate later to make me feel better.

The stretch and sweep may sound like some back ally procedure done with a broom handle but trust me ladies its nothing to fear and I would totally recommend it.

Z

xxxx

That’s right if you haven’t had chance to read my last blog post or manage to avoid everything I post on social media you won’t know that I’ve officially finished work and am on maternity leave! Now I was feeling a bit down whilst writing my last post since then I’ve spent the weekend trying to pick myself back up and get back on track.

Day 1 of maternity- all fucks have totally gone out the window now, would I even be enjoying maternity if I didn’t wake up and have some French fancies for breakfast? I don’t know about you but I only really like the chocolate ones so of course I scoffed 3 of these with my morning cuppa because why the hell not? It beats a boring old bowl of cornflakes any day!

Its all about keeping busy, I’ve literary got everyone whining at me that I need to rest but I just cant!  Sitting around doing nothing is the worst possible thing I can do for many reasons, so I’ve been making plans every day and this seems to be keeping my mind busy, I’m not exactly out running marathons or anything! I’ve met friends for lunch I’ve been down to work to see them all, as well as doing some painting! I bought this huge painting by numbers canvas its absolutely huge and I’ve spent hours painting it its really been a life saver!

Today I decided to make a lemon meringue pie as its one of my favourite desserts but something I’ve never actually made! I’ve just finished my first slice and it was absolutely sexual!

Anyway back to the pregnancy stuff, 4 days until due date and absolutely no sign of little man arriving anytime soon, ive always said I think he will be late. I had a check up with my midwife yesterday and she said his head is down and ready, the plan is I have a midwife appointment at the hospital next week then if he still hasn’t arrived by the end of next week I will have an appointment to be induced the following week, which I really don’t want to happen I want to experience going into labour naturally but hey ho theres not much I can do about it. For now I’m trying to enjoy being off work and pottering about doing different things whilst at the same time praying my waters don’t break whilst out in public or on my nice new bed !!

Z

xxx

So I’m at that stage of my pregnancy where i  could go into labour at any point. I’m offically 39 weeks, one week away from my due date. I finshed work yesterday for maternity leave and I miss all my work friends already. The question I’m constantly asked at the moment is “you must be so excited?”

I smile and nod whenever I’m asked this question but the truth is I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. For those of you about to judge me for what I’m about to write I suggest you click off and don’t read ahead because I’m not going to be sorry for expressing how I feel even if it makes me look like a bad mum.

This last week I have really been struggling to get used to this new life I’m about to embark on and ive had several meltdowns this week from being anxious about going into hospital to wondering who I am as a person. Let me start with the latter…  its a well known fact when I’m over tired or stressed I get unwell and upset, finishing work is a huge deal for me and let me tell you why… I have worked since I was 15 I have never been out of work I live by routine and getting up to go to work everyday gives me purpose. Not saying that being a mum wont give me purpose ofcorse it will, what I’m talking about is this first few weeks waiting for him to arrive, I have no routine nothing to do and no purpose for a few weeks. I am so frightened of everything and starting to find it difficult to hide it from people. sometimes I wonder who am I? I used to be a runner, I used to have a job( I still do) but my life has changed and I miss who I used to be, I miss my friends, I miss the banter we all have at work and I miss the rush I used to get after a good run, I’m struggling to drag myself out of bed most mornings knowing I have nowhere to be or no job to go to. Making plans in advance is key to keeping me going.

 One major meltdown I had a few nights ago really made me realise I need to talk about how I feel before it consumes me. Every now and again for absolutely no reason a sudden rush of fear comes over me and I think to myself I just cant do this! This happened the other night in bed and I just started sobbing for no reason then it just came into my head that Mr M and the baby would be better off without me and that they don’t need such a terrible person like me in their life. I do realise how irrational these thoughts are now even though they are still coming and going, having Mr M to talk to about it and him reassuring me really helps.

So with all that coming and going my other worry is about going into hospital… ive been pretty relaxed about the whole giving birth in hospital thing but now its  getting closer and could happen at any moment all of a sudden ive developed a fear of going into hospital. The thought of being trapped in a room in pain surrounded by strange people, machiens wires and needles is really starting to frighten me and again this is making me have little panic attacks and meltdowns late at night when I have nothing better to think about, the fear of the unknown is eating me up and really stressing me out, not knowing when I’m going to go into labour is making me really anxious and scared. The key is talking about it as soon as I have a chat with Mr M about everything suddenly I don’t feel so alone and I know he will be there to hold my hand ( even though I think hes secretly shitting himself to)  

I woke up this morning wondering who I am… I am just like every other mother worrying about the change and new life with a little one. I will start running again one day and I will be going back to work in a few months, and I will keep talking to Mr M about how I feel so my worries don’t consume me, but most importantly I will be a good mum to my little boy if it kills me!!

Z

xxx