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Here we go again!

The absolute hell hole that is trying for a baby! Seriously it’s up there with some of the worst times of my life. Im not quite sure how other women cope with the task of trying to hold on to that sperm just at the right time to make a baby. But I’d like to tell you my story.

3 years ago we decided to try for a baby and it turned out to be the most stressfull year of my life. I’m not sure what it’s like for “normal” people but my mental health the way it is sometimes really made this a difficult task. Every month I’d try my best not to get my hopes up that I could be pregnant but every month that went by it seemed to get a little worse. I cried for days and days at a time to the point I got severely severely depressed. Month on month hoping and praying just to be met with utter disappointment. The gut wrenching moment when your period shows up and you realise it’s just not to be AGAIN. It’s honestly a real head fuck. All the while people constantly announcing pregnancies and births over on Facebook just reminds you of what you haven’t got. Regimented sex became a thing it HAD to be done just at the right time making things not fun anymore. My depression spiralled out of control thinking I would never get pregnant and my anxiety was just in overdrive to the point where any tiny symptom that could “possibly” = pregnancy I convinced myself I was pregnant over and over again but to my dismay it took time, a year to be exact. So I promised myself the second time round would be different.

So here we are the second time round. Month number 4 of actively trying to get pregnant and already I’m obsessing over any small symptom, every spare moment I have is spent googling ridiculous symptoms hoping that it’s because I’m pregnant. I had headaches for a few days straight and ofcorse google told me that could mean pregnancy. So ofcorse I told myself I was! Untill my fucking period decided to show up and yet again prove me wrong. It’s like a battle with my mind, there’s no word to describe the heart wrenching feeling of knowing this month was a write off. But you just have to dry your eyes pull your pants up and carry on like nothing is happening when deep down all you long for is that positive test. I’ve had the worst year of my life last year reasons of which I will not go into yet so my brains response is to obsess over getting pregnant yet again. And so far I’m failing miserabley.

I guess the odds are if it’s going to take a year like the first time Around then I only have 8 months left of trying I’m not sure weather that’s a good thing or not I didn’t want a big age gap between my children but the way it’s going Rex will be 4 by the time I have another.

All I can do in the meantime is keep trying and TRY not to stress TRY not to obsess and hope that it happens. Thanks for reading and I will keep you all updated ❤️

Z

Xxx

The reason for this post is ultimately the result of my smear test coming back with abnormal cells which meant ofcorse I had to have more people poke me up the fanny. JOY!!

So let’s go back to October 2020 my routine smear test unfortunately came back saying I had the HPV virus. Before you all gasp in disgust HPV is not actually a sexually transmitted disease. Most women actually have it and sometimes will never know they even had it. It just meant that I had to come back this year for another smear just to make sure nothing had changed. Now unfortunately for me mine had some abnormal cells found. After a lot of tears and talking to the right people I discovered it’s not actually as bad as what my anxiety riddled head thinks it is. “Phew”

So I had to go off up to the John Radcliffe hospital so the doctors could shove a telescope up my chuff and find out what was going on. I actually had no idea just how invasive and how vunrable it would make me feel. *DISCLAIMER* This is not trying to scare any women off the procedure because if you have an abnormal smear test come back you absolutely need to go and get it checked. But fucking hell I was not ready for the pain of having a biopsy done and the feeling of how vunrable I would be feeling. Very similar to a standard smear test except I had to put my legs up in some very sexy stirrups which done absolutely nothing for my already shattered confidence after quite some time rummaging around I did start to wonder what they’d found up there, then came the biopsy (Which I had no idea I needed) all I had to do was cough at the right moment. How hard can that be right? It turns out quite. The first cough went down like a lead balloon apparently I didn’t do it “Hard enough” like fucking hell love do you seriously want me to piss all over you? Because I have had a baby and believe me it can and will happen. But no I had to go again so with all my power COUGH COUGH. Fuck me!! Right at the time I coughed it felt like they had cut part of my uterus out I was not expecting that sting!! Thank fuck my second cough was deemed good enough and my ordeal was now over. Expect some weird discharge they said, you’ve had iodine up your fanny they said, fuck me my pants were yellow when I checked! (VOM) . I cried all the way home on the bus because I just wanted to get home and cuddle up on the bed but stupidly I said I’d work that night which was a huge mistake because mentally and physically I was just done for the day.

So now begins the possibly 6 week wait for the results which may end up being that I need to have cells lazered off. Which isn’t the outcome I’m hoping for.

Some 4 weeks later after writing the above peice of writing I got my letter back. AND IM ALL CLEAR. I can finally breathe a sigh of relief everything is okay and I just need to have another smear in a years time to make sure all is still good. This is the news I really needed to hear and my god I’m glad it’s okay.

So if anything was to come out of this blog post is that I hope some women read this who may be going through the same thing and hopefully I help them feel a little less alone and a little less frightened.

So until next year I say goodbye and hope for no new changes!

Z

Xxx

So a while ago I was approached by a company who make reusable Period pads called Trade To Aid and asked if I could review their product. So we teamed up and in true The Z word fashion I will be trying out and reviewing the product.

Before we get into the nitty gritty I’d like to just give you all some information on trade to aid what they do and what they stand for.

Trade To Aid make eco friendly washable period pads that are made from recycled plastic and for every single pack sold they donate one pack to women and girls in refugee camps. How bloody awesome is that!

Any other profits are used on menstrual education programmes in West Africa. They are improving awareness of what periods are, and eliminating the taboo and stigma which is absolutely something I am on board with and believe we need to make a change.

Now who’s ready for some facts? We love a good fact on this blog. Can you believe in her life time just one women can go through 10,000-15,000 pads ! Which you guessed it ends up in landfill which ain’t ideal to say the least. On top of that did you know how many years it takes to break down all those sanitary towels in landfill? ITS A BLOODY LOT! (Excuse the pun) so how can we help? Well unless you have the ability to spontaneously stop bleeding every month then why not give reusable pads a try? You litlery have nothing to lose and ALOT to save if you make the switch.

Ive got to admit I’ve always been very sceptical about things like this as I’ve been an avid sanitary towel user since the good old days when I first started my periods many moons ago. But when Trade to Aid contacted me and asked to team up I just had to say yes. So I’d like to invite you to come on this journey with me and find out what reusable period pads are really like.

*Disclaimer: The box of pads were gifted to me by Trade To Aid.*

I should probabley start by saying this blog post very nearly didn’t happen because I convinced myself I was pregnant this month but hey ho it was not meant to be so in between crying into a box of chocolates and dealing with the party going on in my pants this week I’m going to tell you my truth about washable period pads!

In true Zoe fashion I was not prepared for this event and came on my period whilst out shopping today. Ready as ever I had to dash home to sort myself out to then remember i had the new trade to aid towels to try!! Forgive me but I must be the only women alive to get excited by reusable period pads! LOL. So on first inspection what’s the thoughts?

Actually bloody comfortable! Feels like I’ve got a pillow in my pants. They are so easy to apply done up with poppers, soft and luxurious I’m actually very impressed. The big test will be the over nighter. Will they hold up during the most critical time for any women who’s enduring the challenge of life that is menstruation? Tune in tomorrow morning to find out if it’s a thumbs up or a washing the sheets kind of day.

Some 12 hours later and my first night using the pads. The period police really put a knife in my back this month didn’t they! You could sink a ship with what’s in my pants right now. BUT the good news is no leakage!! So the pads are clearly doing their job. Off to work I plod feeling pretty smug but it’s not until later on in the day I suddenly realise fiddlesticks I’ve forgotton to bring the pads and the little bag to put them in with me. DOH! So I’m litlerry scuttering around all day trying not to bleed to death in my all singing all dancing period pads.

Anyway after managing to make it home without bleeding through my entire bottom half garments I wip it off throw it in the little bag and straight in the washing machine. I’m not really sure what I was expecting wash wise as we all know period seepage doesn’t really do wonders for our pants but to my suprise they washed up so well. They looked brand new! I’m actually very impressed. And I’ve got to say I think I may be converted.

So what have I learnt the last few days? Well you defiantly don’t need to spend a fortune on resuable pads. You don’t have to use the one time use jobbies just because that’s what’s society expects us to do. Do a good deed and invest in some Trade To Aid pads and keep on muddling through that time of the month but do it a better way whilst helping women and children all around the world to end period poverty.

If you have any questions or would like to know more about this amazing prouduct then please go to the website and contact Trade To Aid directly they are lovely people and will be happy to answer any questions.

I have included a link to the website below.

https://www.tradetoaid.org/

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minuet just sit right there while I tell you the story of how I became the mum to a child with shit in his hair.

This story begins one fateful morning when the birds were chirping and everything was good in the world. That was until I went to get my child up from his bed and the utter devastation would make this a morning a morning I would never forget.

What lay before me I could never unsee. I still have nightmares to this day of the shitty litte hand prints covered in what used to be Rexs bedroom. That right. The little sod had only done a massive shit then hand dived down the back of his nappy and spread that shit like he was making a sandwich.

I found shit in places I never knew existed… under the bed. On the inside of handles, the skirting board and don’t even get me started on the shit covered stair gate. And the worst of all? Have you ever tried cleaning dried on shit off a child hand? Picking that dried shit from under his fingernails. Well that’s fun!

So operation clean up is underway. Lots of sanitiser, baby wipes and rubber gloves. Scrubbing that room within an inch of its life. Finding more random shit as I go along. Have you ever tried finding poo on a brown carpet? It’s litlerry the thing of nightmares. No amount of vacuuming and scrubbing was ever going to make this okay.

Finally I had the room smelling beautiful and all tidy and clean and I could finally relax and stop having nightmares of finding shit everywhere. Everything was good in the world again. that was untill a week later when he did the exact same thing. *crys*

Oh the joys of being a mummy!!

Z

Xxx

Well hello there! How are we all? It’s been a while hasn’t it!! I know I’ve been slacking recently and not keeping my blog updated but I’ve got good reasons! I’ve basically been so unbelievabley busy sat on my arse doing absolutly nothing! Yeah that’s right lockdown is so mentally draining isn’t it. I know you feel it to and if all you’ve done today is get dressed then I applaud you because it’s probabley more than what I’ve done today.

So what’s been happening? It only seems yesterday we had Christmas then BAM it’s now nearly March and we’re all just looking at eachother like wtf is happening. So not much has happend in the Bear household we’re all plodding along trying to keep busy and raise a crazy child. That’s right my child is growing and turning into a mini devil.

This particular story starts a few weeks back when Rex was napping away beautifully when all of a sudden he comes running into my room and I’m like WTF how did you get out of your cot. Then I realised that day had come where he has finally learnt how to climb out!! Video attached for below as evidence ⬇️⬇️⬇️

Panic stations kicked in and a quick dash to Argos was inevitable to go get all the basics to keep a child in one room.

Stair gate ✔️ cuboard locks ✔️ bed guard✔️

So we had a day of full steam ahead of getting Rexs room child proof. Fixing locks on drawers and doors, erecting that stair gate and spending what felt like forever turning the cot into a bed. Because we were prepared months ago when we bought a cot bed. Basically a cot that when you take the sides off turns into a bed. Hurrah!! All ready and set to go. Rexs room harder to get into than a prison. Off we went to bed! Now I knew his first night in a big boy bed wasn’t going to be easy but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I was not prepared for the night ahead. The poor wee soul was so confused why there was no longer any sides on his bed he was up then down up then down in and out crying and being silly for what felt 10 years. But finally he dropped off for all of an hour then he was up again. He repeated this over and over all night until we had another mad dash to the shops to go and buy a bed guard which touch wood seems to have settled him.

Sometime 3 weeks later… we wake up to go get Rex from his bed and I swear to god it looked like a rabid fox had got into his room and torn it to bits. That’s right you guessed it! Rex has figured out how to undo the child locks on his drawers and on a daily basis tips all his clothes out onto the floor for no other reason that to make work for mummy. So that’s the next issue we are trying to solve and failing miserably. But hey Ho we will get there in the end.

So I’d love to hear from you guys. How’s your lockdown going? What have the kids been up to? Drop a comment in the comments section and let me know!

Z

Xxx

Can we just take a moment to understand how much snot one child can actually produce. Where the heck is it coming from? I mean they only have teiny tiny noses, yet that snot seems to just keep on coming and coming and coming and before you know it you’re trying to wade your way out of knee deep snotty wet wipes.

If that wasn’t bad enough I’d like a show of hands please of who has caught their child licking the snot from Benith there discusting little noses. No? Well you’re in for a treat, that shit scars you for life and If you thought that wasn’t bad enough who has “accidently on purpose” whilst feeding their snotty child scooped some snot up on the spoon and unintentionally fed it to their child? I mean HOLY MACCARONI did I win the bad parent of the year award for that disaster. *hangs head in shame*

Now if you’ve not had the pleasure of experiencing a snot bubble then you really haven’t lived. I don’t know why snot bubbles make me laugh so much espically the bigguns! Have you ever tried to pop them? Either I’m a massive child or it’s some secret Olympic sport of how big the Bubbles can get then POP!

So we’ve heard all about the “wet snot” as I like to call it. BUT the worst is yet to come hell yeah the dried on snot is a whole diffrent kettle of fish. You try cleaning the nose of a child who’s snot has not only dried on but has actually ingrained in the skin. That shit is impossible to get off!! Unless you jet wash the poor little sod. And even then you can’t get it all off. It just sits there festering away drying out even more like it’s got some kind of vendetta against you. Topped up regularly by more of that wet snot just to add to the difficulty of getting it off.

The house slowely filling with snotty tissues and wet wipes. Snotty clothes to be washed and dirty little noses waiting to be wiped. It’s all in a days work.

Z

Xxx

I’ve been debating weather I should could or would write this blog post for a couple of days now. After some thinking I decided I need to be honest about what’s going on otherwise my whole message trying to get women to go for their smear will be worth nothing.

So here goes… 2 days ago I had my letter back of the results from my smear test. And as you can guess it’s not really what I wanted to hear. I infact have the HPV virus. My heart sunk reading that I was positive for HPV. Il be honest I didn’t really know what it was but being positive for it can’t be a good thing so I absolutly cried my eyes out and compleatly broke down thinking all manner of bad things.

So after a lot of googling and speaking to some friends who know what they are talking about I learnt that it’s a virus that most women can get and for most women it goes away on its own but for the minority it can turn into cancer. And there’s basically nothing they can do except book me in for another test in 12 months time to see weather it’s decided to fuck off or weather it’s gotten worse and wil need treatment. 12 months!! A whole year of wondering if it’s gotten worse. And I’m supposed to just forget about it till next October. I won’t lie I’ve cried a lot this last few days. It’s not until you become a mother when things like this really make you shit your pants, plus with other things going on I really just needed a good cry.

And yes I can hear a lot of you probably shouting it could be worse and yeah ofcorse it could be I’m not denying there’s a hella lot of People going through much harder times and I bet there’s even a lot of women who I know who’ve had the same result but I’m not going to sit here and ask for people to feel sorry for me. The aim of this blog is to make women go and get a smear test.

So where I’m at now is still shitting bricks wondering what’s going on but Trying my best not to let my anixety keep thinking about it. the most important thing is that I attended my smear and got this nipped in the bud. That’s how smear tests can save lives ladies. So I’ve said it before and I will say it again and again PLEASE go and get your smear test done. If you are frightned or anxious or just don’t really fancy getting yah fanny out then let me come and hold your hand because I can guarantee you’d rather get your snatch out for 2 minuets than hear bad news.

So to end this post i would really love to hear from anybody who’s had the same result as me. How did it turn out? Is there anything I need to know? Do you need someone to talk about it? Please drop me a message because I’d love to hear from you even if it’s just for a friendly chat. We’ve all got to stick together during tough times let’s help eachother feel a little less alone.

Love you all.

Z

Xxx

It’s something women dread, it’s a taboo and it needs to be spoken about more. What is it? THE SMEAR TEST. The delightful event where what feels like a test tube is shoved up yah muff. But please don’t be alarmed I’m here to make you laugh and make sure you get that smear test in the calendar!!

That’s right today I’m having my fanny checked and I’m about to tell you all about it. Because if this post makes just one women go and have her test done then I will be so happy.

Now usually I would be so embarrassed about going to get a smear done but after farting in the faces of not 1 but 2 midwives whilst in labour it really takes a lot to make me embarrassed these days!

anyway as per I spent a good hour with the strimmer down south trying to make it as presentable as possible ready for the big unveil. After a good tidy up in my underpants fresh pants and a litte spray of perfume down below (We all do it!!) off I popped to go and get my fancy checked.

I get in the room and we sit and have a chat about what’s going to happen and the nurse is being so caring and trying not to make me feel embarrised but I’m just like nah nothing phases me anymore I’ve had half of Oxfordshire looking up my fanny hole one more isn’t going to do anything.

So ofcorse I strip to the waste behind a curtain then I’m told to lay on the table and put some blue paper over myself. God knows why I mean she’s going to be looking up my Wookey hole what’s the blue paper going to cover? Anyway I do as I’m told and lay there legs wide open catching a draft when all of a sudden… yep it’s in, it’s cold, it’s a little uncomfortable. The second I start to wish this would be over it is. Just like that!! And honestly that’s the gods honest truth. No less than 3 minuets after I am packing my fanny and my dignity back into my pants and get dressed. See what’s all the fuss about? Ofcorse I know for most women it is going to be hugely embarrising but what’s the alternative? I know I’d rather have a cold test tube shoved up my fluff than have cancer. And that sounds dramatic but that’s the truth of it. And I truly believe that YOU can do this. You are strong badass mother fucker who can conquer a smear test.

This is the part where I’m going to put the funny stuff to one side and ask any women reading this who is to scared or embarrised or who just doesn’t want to go, to PLEASE reach out to me. Take my hand and together we will go and get your test done. Because cancer isn’t a joke, and it’s certainly not picky about who it chooses. If there was a cure for cancer you’d take it right? So why wouldn’t you go and get a test done that could possibly save your life? Who the fuck cares if you’ve got a hairy growler. Who cares if it’s an odd shape or if you think it’s not pleasant to look at it. theve seen it all before and worse!

I’d like to end this post with some facts about cervical cancer. Did you know that 3,000 women in the uk are affected by cervical cancer in a year. A YEAR!

Did you know that 75% of cervical cancers can be prevented by cervical screening?

And finally 2 women in the uk lose their life to cervical cancer every day.

So ladies be brave and get your fanny checked!!

Z

Xxx

As it’s recently been mental health awareness day I thought I’d just do a little post about about something that’s close to my heart. And that’s the medication I take.

I’ve never really spoken about this before with you guys because it’s not really something I shout from the roof tops because I’m a private kinda person when it comes to this stuff.

So what is quetiapine?

Quetiapine is an antipsychotic medicine used to treat a number of conditions such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. After a number of years on all sorts of antidepressants that really did me no good and after a particularly very bad episode which lead to my diagnosis of bipolar 2 i was put onto this medicine.

The very first night I took this medicine I will never forget because I’d had the worst relapse of my insominia I’d been awake 48 hours and my body was on the brink of shutting down. After taking this pill for the first time combined with no sleep I started to hallucinate. I remember my bedroom was full of flashing lights and not long after that I managed to fall asleep.

I don’t remember exactly how long it took for this medicine to kick in proporley but what I can tell you is it saved my life. After months of self harming and doing other silly things I shouldn’t have done my life was litlerry in the balance and I had to make a choice about which path I was going to take.

So I chose the quetiapine path. And in all honestly I haven’t looked back since! that medicine saved my life in more than one way. I feel like I can control myself now. I feel like I am my own person rather then some little person In my head dominating me. My moods are so much better and I really am a changed person.

I continued to take it during my pregnancy because I just can’t handle coming off it. Tried once and failed miserably. Hallucinating and all sorts I ended up overdosing accidentally on purpose because I was so despiriate to sleep. Luckily I had spoken about this with the doctors Before I even got pregnant and they assured me that it is a very safe medication to take whilst pregnant so we decided I would stay on it during pregnancy. As a result of this Rex did have to be monitored for 3 days in hospital before we could go home but he was absolutly fine.

I’ve had my blips since giving birth. I think I would be lying if I said I’ve been absolutly fine but what mother doesn’t struggle after having a baby? My medication helps keep me stable and for now I have zero plans to ever stop taking it. Because I’m a quetiapine Queen!

Z

Xxx

This years holiday wasn’t really what we’d planned for obsivious reasons! But we’re going away so that’s all that mattered. After 2 long months back at work and on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown I really needed this break away.

So bags packed and car full to bursting off we set for Weymouth 2020! We barely made it out of Swindon when 3 fully grown dears ran out infront of the car and almost sent us plumimiting into the side of the road. Rex was an absolute dream on the way down espically as we got caught in traffic and ended up adding an extra hour onto our journey which resulted in me having an emergency stop in a lay by for a very big wee that I couldn’t hold in any longer. Sorry for anyone who had to witness me squatting in the bushes! Honestly since having Rex I’ve got a bladder the size of a teabag. Anyway wee finshed quick shake and off we went.

My parents beat us down by about 20 minutes. I guess they have better bladders than me! We couldn’t check in until a bit later so we had a stroll into Weymouth had a quick nosy around the shops then headed for the beach!! To small to remember last years holiday Rex was absolutly loving the sand! Maybe a bit to much as he shoveld handfuls of the stuff in his gob. *eye rolls* only my child! Anyway he had an absolute blast! He dived head first into the sea he dug holes and played to his hearts content. And ofcorse my mum spoiled him to any bucket and spade and toys he wanted so he was well away!

So after playing on the beach we went to check into our room. I’ve stayed in lots of premier inns before all over the country and never had a problem. Who puts a family with a baby up 4 flights of stairs when there’s no lift? Yes you can imagine the fun we had lifting the buggy up and down every day. The room was fine Rex had a travel cot which was basic and we had a big double bed. We’d been there less then 5 minuets when Rex threw the Tv remote down the loo so I just knew this was going to be a great start to the holiday.

That night we ate in the hotel pub witch again was fine I had my absolute favourite Cesar salad. Rex somehow found his voice and started saying “HIYA” over and over again getting louder and louder so the whole place could hear. He had us in hysterics. I slept like absolute shit that night due to my ongoing lower back pain whenever I lay down so I was so tried the following day. Breakfast was an absolute farse mine was stone cold I suspect the chef probabley gobbed in my fresh breakfast after I kicked up a drink a small sent it back. Again we didn’t really do much except go round the shops and hit the beach. Rex had a lovely big nap on the beach so I had a chance to just chill out and sunbathe and not have to worry about chasing after him. Then me and mum went for a stroll to our favourite cake shop which we always visit when in Weymouth. We stayed on the beach for quite a few hours and I even managed a very refreshing swim in the sea. Then we headed back to get bathed and try to de-sand ourselves. Once again we walked back into Weymouth for some drum roll…..

FISH AND CHIPS ON THE SEAFRONT. Did you even go on holiday if you didn’t have fish n chips? Besides trying to dodge the begging seagulls it was absolutely lovely. Another fond favourite for me is the arcades! So me and mum went in and had some fun on the 2p machines whilst the men waited outside. Then it was time to go home and get ready for going home tomorrow.

We walked about 8 miles in total that day I couldn’t wait to get into that bed. Monday morning came so we packed up the car and drive into weymouth for some ice cream before we headed home. And that my friends is my write up of our very short family holiday this year. I wash it could have been longer but unfortunately that was not possible. We had a blast this weekend and that’s all that mattered.

Until next year 👋🏻👋🏻

Z

Xxx