Category: pregnancy

Well here’s a post I didn’t think I’d be writing for some time. IM PREGNANT…. Baby number 2 is well and truly baking away in my tummy. And if you’d read my last blog post you’d see how utterly fed up and done in I was of trying so hard and not getting pregnant. But it worked and FINALLY it’s my turn again.

But it wasn’t all plain sailing. 12 months in and the doctors suggested I have some blood tests to check my hormone levels. (Which I ever so coinsidiencly had when I was trying with Rex) anyhow off I popped to get my bloods done and I said to the nurse imagine if the same thing happend like last time and I got pregnant just after having my blood test we laughed it off at how impossible it would be to happen again anyway a couple of days later I had a call from the doctor to say my hormone levels are really low and to come in again in 2 weeks for more tests. Then BAM a week later I’ve got a positive test! Who the hell could have predicted that ?? And…. If that’s not spooky enough the day I found out I was pregnant is the same EXACT day I found out I was pregnant with Rex 4 years ago to the day!

So let me go back 1 week and fill you in on what actually happend. I had my bloods taken a week and a half before my period was due, but I did think to my self that my boobs were sore and that never really happens unless I’m due on so thought nothing more of it. Then I started to feel abit sick and then my boobs really fucking hurt and I thought to myself can it be true? So In true Zoe fashion I spent a week on Tik Tok watching video after video about early testing ect ect and by the end of it I thought fuck it what do I have to lose? Handily I had some cheap tests I had bought on eBay in my drawer plus a couple of decent ones so I thought rather than waste the good ones I’d start off with the cheapies and see what happens. First day I got a solid negative but I knew something still wasn’t right so I tested again the next day, same again. Now the following day which I think was the Wednesday by this point I had a really faint positive. Shit the bed could this actually be true? Questioning how this can happen after what my blood tests had said I questioned myself all day. But I decided to take a proper test the following day and I got a BIG FAT POSITIVE oh my goodness I was not expecting this. How on earth has the same thing happend twice! And I was terrified of telling anybody just incase the million tests I’d taken were all wrong.

But anyway here we are I’m walking around with a little bean growing away in me and nobody knows! Except our parents who we told by a t shirt sported by the one and only Rex pictured below who by the way told us he doesn’t want to be a big brother and he doesn’t want a brother or sister so that’s nice!

So 3 turns into 4 June 2023 and I’m about to bore you all with my blogs about pregnancy for the next 9 months 😊

Much love

Z

Xxx

Fuck my actual life… sick note alert!! I have felt sick as a dog since even before I found out I was with child. And the worst part is I can’t tell anyone how rough I feel 😩 honest to god I just wish I was actually being sick so atleast I could feel better after. But instead I just “feel” sick call fucking day and night!

And everything I do makes me feel sick, listening to music, cooking, watching the tely just makes me want to vom my guts up and I don’t know how much longer I can take it for!!

Just to make matters even worse I feel like I’ve been punched in the tits. Jesus wept they hurt!

This ain’t what I signed up for! I’ve never felt anything like it. I’ve even had to ditch watching master chef because the sight of food is unbearable. So you can imagine what going to work is like 😂😂😂 plus I had to take a couple of mornings off work because of it and I NEVER take time off sick. Or atleast I didn’t till all this drama happend I feel like I’ve been off for weeks trying to recover from one thing or another.

Luckely for me the sickness died down around 11-12 weeks THANK GOD that shit was really starting to get me down. BUT I had a lovely little bout of the flu some weeks later which has absolutely floored me! and I’ve had my flu jab! Imagine what it would have been like if I hadn’t. Anyway I just about started to feel normal again when I got hit by the worst chest infection known to man! I’m so glad I lived to tell this tale because it was utterly horrendous. I got home from work one Saturday night of constant coughing sore throat ect ect and I just couldn’t take anymore, I was in tears and gasping for breath after coughing oh god I was in a right old state so I thought I can’t wait till Monday I will ring 111….. 2 hours on hold I finally get through to be told a doctor will call me in 6 hours . 24 hours later and I finally got the call and got on some antibiotics which have really helped me feel better they just haven’t shifted this bastard cough. And where I’ve been coughing so much it actually hurts my tummy where everything is stretching now it’s really made me quite sore which is horrible.

They say it comes in 3s so I’m sure something else will come along once I’m over the chest infection. Just another day being pregnant.

Z

Xxx

The dreaded time has come. Yes that’s right potty training! And I’m already going potty! To be honest I really should have started a while ago now. Rex is just over 3 so I do feel abit lazy on my part. Anyhow better late that never right? Stocked up on tiny little pants. Plenty of carpet cleaner and a peppa pig toilet seat I’m ready for battle

So I’ve been putting him in pants on and off for a few hours here and there with luckely no accidents. Constantly asking him do you need a wee wee Rex? And he just looks at me like what the fuck are you on about mum? He’s totally no where near ready for this!!

So today I just thought sod it im going to do this he goes back to pre school in 2 weeks and I’d really like him to be potty trained by then. So on go his little pants and he’s running round happy as Larry. I keep sitting him on the toilet every now and then but nothing. So off we pop carrying on with our day. I’m busy upstairs putting the washing away and I can just hear my husband shout OH NO REX! And I just knew what had happened.

That’s right. SHIT EVERYWHERE. And not just any old shit. Possibly the runniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life and it’s covering my sofa, the carpet and THE LEGO. Oh Jesus wept I never thought I’d see the day where I had to wash human shit off some Lego. But here we are. Anyhow hubby rushes him up to the bath while I deal with the Poopy stained massacre that is my living room. Have you ever tried scrubbing shit off of Lego? Bugger me I think I’d be better off throwing in the bin! My poor poopy carpet is taking a right bettering from this very tiny but very dirty litte child.

I guess tomorro is another day right? Stay tuned for part 2 once we are actually using the toilet.

Z

Xxx

For anybody who knows Rex they know he has to have his dummy surgically removed to be without it. Coming up to 3 years old we had to make the hard decision to ditch the dummy.

During pregnancy we decided he was not going to have a dummy because quite frankly I didn’t really like them. Then litlerry days after he was born I was like “GET ME A DUMMY” honestly I don’t know how parents cope with a crying baby when they don’t use a dummy. So Rex pretty much had his from birth. Then around the 6 month mark he sort of wasn’t really bothered with them which I was so happy about which is the time I really should have just thrown them all in the bin because Then for some unknown reason he started Using them again and slowly it got worse and worse and he’d have a dummy in mouth pretty much all day. Which is fine but when your coming up to 3 years old it’s really not a good look. So I was absoultly dreading trying to get him off it.

So I kept telling myself that we would ditch the dummy on my days off after hearing horror stories of children having almighty meltdowns I was not prepared to handle this situation (which is why I kept putting it off for so long)

Then one day we went out on a day trip and forgot to take one. (Whoops) and by the time we’d gotten home he was already asleep and put straight to bed. I actually couldn’t believe this is the longest time he’d ever gone without a dummy shoved in his gob.

The following day he woke and we had breakfast and played and I decided to tidy out his toy box. Rex found a dummy and came running over to me to put it in my hand. To say I was in a state of shock is a understatement. Is this the end of dummy? And from that day forward he has not had a dummy. HORRAY!! Im so so proud of him. We’ve had one little slip up where he managed to find one a few weeks later and got abit upset but other then that it’s all good. HES DITCHED THE DUMMY!!

Z

Xxx

I have appropriately named this blog “The binge eating nightmare” because binge eating is fucking one big never ending nightmare and it’s something I’ve really been struggling with lately.

Before I go any further I’d just like to throw a disclaimer out there. What you are about to read is my personal experience and opinion. I have not been officially diagnosed with binge eating disorder nor am I a professional in the subject.

Now I have always struggled with my weight ever since I was a child. I remember getting up early so I could eat sweets in secret before everybody else got up. I’ve managed to lose weight then regain it lose it again and end up back to square one even bigger then when I started.

Fast forward to the present day and Oh my gosh I’m in one hell of a pickle. I’m really in deep with no way of getting out. I’ve had a lot of shit happen in my life over the past year or so and for some reason I’m trying to eat my way better. I’m so disgusted with myself I hate what I see in the mirror and all my anxiety riddled brain thinks is “nobody likes me because of my size” “none of my friends actually want to be friends with a person as fat as me” and I won’t lie I sob, most nights because I can’t stop.

It all starts small. One biscuit here one biscuit there and before I know it the whole packet has gone. Just a handful of malteasers after my dinner. Next thing I know I’ve scoffed the whole box and am looking for the next thing i can ram into my fat gob because I just need to eat and eat NOW half the time I’m not even hungry and whilst I’m filling my fat face I’m already eyeing up what’s next eating so much till I’m ready to throw up. Then I sit and cry at how fat and discusting I am. Then BAM before I knew it I reached **** stone. I can’t tell you how much I’m afraid as I’m so embarrassed my own husband Dosent even know what I weigh.

It’s a viscous cycle that comes around way to often and it’s something I just cannot break. It’s leading down a dark hole of depression self Hatred, anxiety and much more. At its worst Ive wished myself dead than to be living like this. So I guess I’m putting the feelers out on this post and reaching out to anybody who suffers from binge eating dirorder or anybody who thinks they are suffering. Please get in touch and have a chat you never know we may beable to help each other?

Z

Xxx

Here we go again!

The absolute hell hole that is trying for a baby! Seriously it’s up there with some of the worst times of my life. Im not quite sure how other women cope with the task of trying to hold on to that sperm just at the right time to make a baby. But I’d like to tell you my story.

3 years ago we decided to try for a baby and it turned out to be the most stressfull year of my life. I’m not sure what it’s like for “normal” people but my mental health the way it is sometimes really made this a difficult task. Every month I’d try my best not to get my hopes up that I could be pregnant but every month that went by it seemed to get a little worse. I cried for days and days at a time to the point I got severely severely depressed. Month on month hoping and praying just to be met with utter disappointment. The gut wrenching moment when your period shows up and you realise it’s just not to be AGAIN. It’s honestly a real head fuck. All the while people constantly announcing pregnancies and births over on Facebook just reminds you of what you haven’t got. Regimented sex became a thing it HAD to be done just at the right time making things not fun anymore. My depression spiralled out of control thinking I would never get pregnant and my anxiety was just in overdrive to the point where any tiny symptom that could “possibly” = pregnancy I convinced myself I was pregnant over and over again but to my dismay it took time, a year to be exact. So I promised myself the second time round would be different.

So here we are the second time round. Month number 4 of actively trying to get pregnant and already I’m obsessing over any small symptom, every spare moment I have is spent googling ridiculous symptoms hoping that it’s because I’m pregnant. I had headaches for a few days straight and ofcorse google told me that could mean pregnancy. So ofcorse I told myself I was! Untill my fucking period decided to show up and yet again prove me wrong. It’s like a battle with my mind, there’s no word to describe the heart wrenching feeling of knowing this month was a write off. But you just have to dry your eyes pull your pants up and carry on like nothing is happening when deep down all you long for is that positive test. I’ve had the worst year of my life last year reasons of which I will not go into yet so my brains response is to obsess over getting pregnant yet again. And so far I’m failing miserabley.

I guess the odds are if it’s going to take a year like the first time Around then I only have 8 months left of trying I’m not sure weather that’s a good thing or not I didn’t want a big age gap between my children but the way it’s going Rex will be 4 by the time I have another.

All I can do in the meantime is keep trying and TRY not to stress TRY not to obsess and hope that it happens. Thanks for reading and I will keep you all updated ❤️

Z

Xxx

The reason for this post is ultimately the result of my smear test coming back with abnormal cells which meant ofcorse I had to have more people poke me up the fanny. JOY!!

So let’s go back to October 2020 my routine smear test unfortunately came back saying I had the HPV virus. Before you all gasp in disgust HPV is not actually a sexually transmitted disease. Most women actually have it and sometimes will never know they even had it. It just meant that I had to come back this year for another smear just to make sure nothing had changed. Now unfortunately for me mine had some abnormal cells found. After a lot of tears and talking to the right people I discovered it’s not actually as bad as what my anxiety riddled head thinks it is. “Phew”

So I had to go off up to the John Radcliffe hospital so the doctors could shove a telescope up my chuff and find out what was going on. I actually had no idea just how invasive and how vunrable it would make me feel. *DISCLAIMER* This is not trying to scare any women off the procedure because if you have an abnormal smear test come back you absolutely need to go and get it checked. But fucking hell I was not ready for the pain of having a biopsy done and the feeling of how vunrable I would be feeling. Very similar to a standard smear test except I had to put my legs up in some very sexy stirrups which done absolutely nothing for my already shattered confidence after quite some time rummaging around I did start to wonder what they’d found up there, then came the biopsy (Which I had no idea I needed) all I had to do was cough at the right moment. How hard can that be right? It turns out quite. The first cough went down like a lead balloon apparently I didn’t do it “Hard enough” like fucking hell love do you seriously want me to piss all over you? Because I have had a baby and believe me it can and will happen. But no I had to go again so with all my power COUGH COUGH. Fuck me!! Right at the time I coughed it felt like they had cut part of my uterus out I was not expecting that sting!! Thank fuck my second cough was deemed good enough and my ordeal was now over. Expect some weird discharge they said, you’ve had iodine up your fanny they said, fuck me my pants were yellow when I checked! (VOM) . I cried all the way home on the bus because I just wanted to get home and cuddle up on the bed but stupidly I said I’d work that night which was a huge mistake because mentally and physically I was just done for the day.

So now begins the possibly 6 week wait for the results which may end up being that I need to have cells lazered off. Which isn’t the outcome I’m hoping for.

Some 4 weeks later after writing the above peice of writing I got my letter back. AND IM ALL CLEAR. I can finally breathe a sigh of relief everything is okay and I just need to have another smear in a years time to make sure all is still good. This is the news I really needed to hear and my god I’m glad it’s okay.

So if anything was to come out of this blog post is that I hope some women read this who may be going through the same thing and hopefully I help them feel a little less alone and a little less frightened.

So until next year I say goodbye and hope for no new changes!

Z

Xxx